OAStepper

Galatians 1:15-17

2012-01-25T12:26:00.001-06:00

But when God, who had set me apart even from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace, was pleased to reveal His Son in me so that I might preach Him among the Gentiles, I did not immediately consult with flesh and blood, nor did I go up to Jerusalem to those who were apostles before me; but I went away to Arabia, and returned once more to Damascus. (NASB)

Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 75)

God with me,

one-on-one

coming back home

where I've never been before.

God with me,

one-on-one.

Who would have thought

he'd single me out,

talk to me,

be with me

one-on-one.

What peace, what love,

what serenity, joy, glory.

What am I, who am I

that God could love me

one-on-one?

God, I thank you

from the bottom of my heart,

the depths of my soul,

the fulness of me being.

Galatians 1:13-14

2012-01-15T10:28:00.000-06:00

For you have heard of my previous way of life in Judaism, how intensely I persecuted the church of God and tried to destroy it. I was advancing in Judaism beyond many of my own age among my people and was extremely zealous for the traditions of my fathers. (NIV)

Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time passed, and confidence began to be replaced by cock-sureness. I could laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes! (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 5-6)

I'm in control,

hear me roar!

Stand aside and see me,

watch what I can do.

Step back,

I don't need you.

Can't you see it's a complex whole,

that ceding power causes seams?

It's not arrogance if you're right!

You know I do it well!

I'm in control.

God, I need to know

I'm out of control

when you're not really

the one who's

in control.

Galatians 1:12

2012-01-05T20:36:00.004-06:00

For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ. (KJV)

With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Spiritual Experience appendix)

All around me,

voices knowing better,

people more experienced,

others who've walked

this path before,

and they may be messengers,

sometimes,

a mouthpiece for God,

but I know if I miss the point

in a group, or studying alone, hope's there,

help's there,

guides may lead me

step by step

toward the right direction.

Sometimes God speaks through them.

Other times, they're giving advice,

not really working program,

not in sync

with God.

When I've listened long enough,

I recognize his voice,

hear his message.

But I need not wait.

He's ready for me, any time.

God, protect me from leaving the path

you're trying to send me along

no matter who speaks

for you.

Remind me you don't need

interpreters.

Galatians 1:11

2011-12-31T11:23:00.000-06:00

Dear brothers and sisters, I want you to understand that the gospel message I preach is not based on mere human reasoning. I received my message from no human source, and no one taught me. Instead, I received it by direct revelation from Jesus Christ. (NLT)

We used to amuse ourselves by cynically dissecting spiritual beliefs and practices when we might have observed that many spiritually-minded persons of all races, colors, and creeds were demonstrating a degree of stability, happiness and usefulness which we should have sought ourselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 49)

Human reasoning.
If I can't convince myself
right now my own logic
trumps all others,
I look to wisdom
of the elders,
the sages,
the erudite of ages.
Tea leaves, ouija boards,
crystal balls,
divine revelation
feel gullible,
juvenile, naive.
Before tossing bath water,
though,
I should check for babies.

Higher source,
teach me to trust your
higher wisdom.

Galatians 1:10

2011-12-28T11:54:00.002-06:00

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (NIV)

That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured – these are the conditions we have found most effective. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 18-19)

No people to please – how liberating!
I've tried all my life to please people,
to follow the rules,
to go with the flow,
to not make waves,
to blend in.
I've tried all my life to disappear,
to not be seen
at least not in a bad light,
a way that would reflect badly
on my parents,
my school,
my town,
my profession,
the church
I've now no people to please!
What you think of me
is none of my business!
What God thinks of me —
that's my business.
But when I'm showing up,
asking him to tell me what to do
and doing it,
I'm free!

Free at last, free at last,
thanks, God, I'm free at last.

Galatians 1:9

2011-12-11T09:28:00.001-06:00

As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed! (NASB)

I seemed to be able to snap back the next morning better than most of my fellow drinkers, who were cursed (or perhaps blessed) with a great deal of morning-after nausea. (Alcoholics Anonymous, "The Doctor's Nightmare")

God as I understand God

loves. Period.

So, to be accursed?

Invoking supernatural power

to inflict harm, punishment?

God is god, in control,

has no need to call on himself

or his underlings to punish, harm.

Be afflicted with?

That one makes sense. I surely can

and do

curse myself, cause me misery,

agony, separation

from God, from all.

I need the right message,

the one from both Big Books

as my guide.

And when I stray and feel accursed,

it's a blessing, beckoning.

God, let me not curse myself

but always seek your love,

your blessings.

Galatians 1:8

2011-11-25T09:37:00.001-06:00

Let God’s curse fall on anyone, including us or even an angel from heaven, who preaches a different kind of Good News than the one we preached to you. (Galatians 1:8, NLT)

If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

Let him go if his chosen path

varies from your own.

You can't sell God, convince folk

you've got God-knowledge

they must take your word.

Don't claim decoding or the inside ropes

or special knowledge.
Instead state truth, changes in you,
recovery you've found.
What others do is none of my business
even when my heart hurts for them,
aches over their decisions.

God, let me live the message,
be the message,
closely enough
others may want what they see
in me.

Galatians 1:7

2011-10-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

...which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. ~ Galatians 1:7 (NIV)

Once confused and baffled by the seeming futility of existence, they show the underlying reasons why they were making heavy going of life. Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory. They show how the change came over them. When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 50-51)

I trust only me

and chase my tail,

follow a trailblazer

to deserts I despise,

flit like a butterfly,

flower to flower to flower,

drift like a balloon

to popular causes,

the thing du jour.

As long as I'm my own

higher power,

or I choose other lower higher powers,

I wander, dissatisfied.

Once I become conscious

of the Presence of God,

I know the path

to all I want or need.

God, sometimes I need

blinders. When I'm distracted,

nudge me.

Galatians 1:6

2011-10-25T22:17:00.000-05:00

I am shocked that you are turning away so soon from God, who called you to himself through the loving mercy of Christ. (Galatians 1:6, NLT)

Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 26)

From the welcoming arms,
the sense of relief,
the portal to recovery,
shouldn't the path lead only in?
How did I manage to turn,
how did I go back out?
So soon, and without
a thought,
without a reason,
abandoning the hope
I'd found...
I know others who never got back,
who let embarrassment win,
whose pride locked the door.
But some, including me,
made a U-turn
and reentered, determined to stay,
knowing how easy
leaving was,
how glorious staying
is.

God, give me the sense
to stay put
in recovery.

Galatians 1:3-5

2011-10-22T10:24:00.000-05:00

Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins so that He might rescue us from this present evil age, according to the will of our God and Father, to whom be the glory forevermore. Amen. (Gal. 1:3-5 NASV)

We are like the passengers of a great liner the moment after rescue from shipwreck when camaraderie, joyousness and democracy pervade the vessel from steerage to Captain's table. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 17)

Rescued, saved, liberated

from an evil age, from peril

drowning us, engulfing us,

shutting off air and hope.
Rescued from myself,
my obsessions, my fears,
my stuffing down hurt,
my anger at others
for what only I could change.
Grace and peace to us
who, rescued, can now see
the beauty, goodness, joy
all around.
Joyousness and camaraderie
to me who knew no joy,
who felt all alone,
isolated
among a cloud of folks
who loved me.

Thanks – an inadequate trinket
of a word —
for all your gifts and love

Galatians 1:1-2

2011-10-21T11:31:00.000-05:00

Paul, an apostle – sent not from men nor by a man, but by Jesus Christ and God the Father, who raised him from the dead – and all the brothers and sisters with me,

To the churches in Galatia: (Gal. 1:1-2, NIV)

Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

Carry the message,

spread the word,

an apostle of the good new,

of salvation,

of freedom

from obsession,

from fear, from hell.

Paul didn't let his not walking

Israel hills with the Master

silence his call

to apostleship.

Bill W told the first 100

he didn't write the Steps,

God did – it wasn't subject

to edits.
Isaiah stood in the Temple
the year King Uzziah died
and trembled in the presence
of Glory but heard the word
and said, "I'm here, send me."
How long? Thousands of years,
lifetimes.
Not just them, though. All of
us.

God, I'm ruined, dirty
in your presence,
as dirty as all around me.
But you speak. Who am I
not to do your bidding?

Hearing a Food Report

2011-10-13T12:01:00.001-05:00

I was thinking about the fact that you have to read what food myself and others are eating – foods that you are probably abstaining from, and I wanted to let you know I am very appreciative!

Love ya

A Principled Life

2011-10-02T09:19:00.001-05:00

Karen Casey, author of Each Day a New Beginning (which has sold over three million copies) and other books including My Story to Yours - A Guided Memoir for Writing Your Recovery Journey which was published this year, has graciously allowed publication of this question and my answer. Thanks, too, to Karen Casey for her cover blurb for A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us by Barbara B. Rollins with OAStepper.

Hi OAStepper,

I read this, am going to sleep, and I'm not exactly sure, but I thought of sending it to you. I don't fully understand it and if you could, would you be willing to shed some light?

SEPTEMBER 28

I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome.

—Golda Meir

Living a principled life is what the inner self desires. It’s what God desires. And it’s what the healthier ego desires. Living the program’s principles is giving each of us practice in living a principled life, one that is free of guilt for our shortcomings.

Having principles assures direction. We need not ponder long how to proceed in any situation, what decision to make regarding any matter, when we are guided by principles. They offer us completeness. They help us define who we are and who we will be, in any turn of events.

As women, particularly as recovering women, we have struggled with self-definition. Often we were as others defined us, or we merely imitated those close by. Sometimes we may slip into old behavior and lose sight of who we are and how we want to live. It’s then that the program’s principles come immediately to our aid.

There is no doubt about how today should be lived. I will do it with confidence and joy.

Quoted from the book Each Day a New Beginning.

My response:

What would your life look like as a principled life? It's basically doing the next right thing, but it's doing it without the nagging doubts that plague you. It's not just not asking about the woman your husband was involved with in the past or looking at the phone bill, or any of that obsessive/compulsive stuff you feel drawn to do. It's wanting to do the next right thing, really putting the other stuff as things of the past, of things you cannot control, as none of your business. It is running your business because people need to be the services you offer to live better and reach their own goals. It's helping your customers one at a time, knowing you have time, not wasting it but not worried about time limits set by your employer, knowing God will give you the rhythm to see to clients' real needs, to be of service both to the client and to the employer.

Your inner self wants peace and serenity more than anything, and this is the way to/result of a principled life. You know the principles of OA, based on the Steps and the Traditions?

Step One	Honesty
Step Two	Hope
Step Three	Faith
Step Four	Courage
Step Five	Integrity
Step Six	Willingness
Step Seven	Humility
Step Eight	Self-discipline
Step Nine	Love for others
Step Ten	Perseverance
Step Eleven	Spiritual Awareness
Step Twelve	Service
Tradition One	Unity
Tradition Two	Trust
Tradition Three	Identity
Tradition Four	Autonomy
Tradition Five	Purpose
Tradition Six	Solidarity
Tradition Seven	Responsibility
Tradition Eight	Fellowship
Tradition Nine	Structure
Tradition Ten	Neutrality
Tradition Eleven	Anonymity
Tradition Twelve	Spirituality

You get a principled life, AKA peace and serenity, by living these principles of OA, and this principled life is not only what you want but what God wants for you and what your healthier ego desires.

Then that kicker, "...one that is free of guilt for our shortcomings." When you go to bed at night you calmly review your day. You look at a snit you threw in the office, a text message trying to run somebody else's life, being late to an appointment - whatever - and just kind of take it out and look at it, realize you could have done it differently, that from the calmness of your sitting there thinking about it, you wish you had, but without the anguish of guilt, without the emotional turmoil these realizations always seem to ignite. It's like sorting through a pot of pinto beans you're about to cook and picking out the bad beans, tossing them, meaning accepting that they added nothing, and you trust yourself to get it "right" next time.

Doing the next right thing doesn't mean you are unorganized and fritter from one thing to another as that instant's circumstances dictate. The interruptions no longer are a new path, but a movement to the side to another aspect that actually was part of the ultimate plan even though you see absolutely no correlation. But when you finish with that diversion and the two following quickly on its heels, you're still on the path and continue to move to the undertaking that feels like the right project, the right direction now. Since you didn't pick the path, you're moving forward at just the right time as long as you're open to guidance. But it's SO much easier. You're not tied up, you have your mind on where you are and what you are doing at the moment, and you know what to do then and there without the emotional roller coaster of taking the weight of the outcome on your shoulders (or in your hands). You've got the guidance you asked for on arising, for knowledge of God's will for your life and the power to carry it out, and the principles as you live them make that knowledge of his will clearer in communication, easier to detect in a moment of crisis or contemplation.

"They offer us completeness." Isn't that an AMAZING sentence? You and your husband have made decisions about where to live, where to work, and what you want to build for the future while working programs. As you work more, get more enlightenment, that may evolve somewhat, but you know the general direction, and the evolution comes from God and is the right thing. Unless it doesn't, and then you're not comfortable with it, your stomach tightens when you move that way.

Have you got any questions about how you struggled with self-definniton? Neither do I (as to me). Do you doubt you've taken your self-definition from your mother or your father or husband or others? When you acted like someone you thought had it all together, it wasn't the same as "act as if" unless that was a person in program who had what you wanted and you were taking guidance that came from God, perhaps through that very person. Slipping into old behavior... yeah. We ALL do it, not just you. Really! That's when you get the power from the principles and live a principled life to get back to the serenity and peace.

A CLOUD OF WITNESSES - TWO BIG BOOKS AND US

2011-09-26T14:36:00.000-05:00

This is not a blog for selling, for promoting. Yet, I know those of you who have read Slender Steps of Sanity - Twelve Step Notes of Hope will want to know I have another book, in which the primary author is Barbara B. Rollins, with me, OAStepper. The book first arrived in the publisher's office last Wednesday, and already sales are brisk. But that's not the purpose of this blog, as I said. The publisher is Eagle Wings Press (imprint of Silver Boomer Books) and you can get it at bookstores and online.

I want to talk about the title, though, and what it means to me in my recovery. The phrase is from the book of Hebrews, where chapter twelve, verse one reads (with verses two and three):

Biblica

"A great cloud of witnesses" – how expressive is that! The Contemporary English Version of the Bible uses the term "crowd of witnesses," as does the Good News Translation, but they are paraphrases. The idea of a cloud of witnesses certainly carries more of a zing, gets attention better. (However, the word crowd does carry the message of the passage.) Commentaries declare the meaning to be as in the Greek races with masses of people participating, then those who have finished stand on the sidelines and cheer on the others, helping them to finish. That, to me, is the epitome of Overeaters Anonymous. We've run a solo race for so long, and we couldn't do it, limped along struggled, gave up. But with the program, suddenly we're not alone and people care about us! Not only do the seasoned members, but newcomers walking in the door catch the spirit and cheer us on as well. So that part of the title represents the fellowship in Overeaters Anonymous. The subtitle, though, is necessary as well: Two Big Books and Us. Recovery is not just about the group. If it were, those other organizations we tried first would have been just fine. No, it's a spiritual program of twelve simple (but not easy) Steps. The two big books, of course, are the Bible, which for me is the message of my Higher Power, God, and the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. You don't have to read the book (though to be honest, I think you should) but do get the grace and power inherent in the title of the book.

The Ninth Tradition

2011-09-06T10:51:00.000-05:00

9. OA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. (O.A. Tradition 9)

My list said I should post here today. Uninspired, I decided to pick up OA literature and find a subject. Choosing the OA 12 and 12 (aka The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Overeaters Anonymous) I chose the 9th tradition in honor of the 9th month, not knowing what it was. I got there, and as always, the 9th tradition makes me smile. That's because I've observed something of OA past the group level. While groups do tend not to be organized, the service bodies can get funny. To be truthful, they feel vastly OVER organized to me since I don't like formal meetings.

Actually, my list of things to do today included more than posting to oastepper.blogspot.com. It also speaks of getting someone to tape an event about seven months off, to email a number of leaders in OA on the Intergroup level, and to prepare for our local Intergroup meeting I'll need to miss next weekend. It's also got contacting another service body in another fellowship, trying to communicate with them about some tapes I made a year and a half ago that we'd like to make more public. I'm trying to organize me, which is tough and needs to be done lots more than organizing OA beyond the local group level.

Hum. Listen to what I said. That's the message for this post, what I need to hear. I hope you do understand I use my writing about recovery most of the time to talk to myself. My thoughts flitter away, totally unorganized, so if I'm going to know what my thoughts are about any subject, I have to write. (And since I can't ready my handwriting and actually write much better typing than by hand, it's always on a computer.)

Traditions are not just about how to run the business of OA. They also have a personal dynamic. To quote a Narcotics Anonymous service body:

The 12 Traditions describe the external environment (the surroundings of, and influences on, a particular item) that is required for a Narcotics Anonymous Meeting, Group, and Service Structure to exist. The Traditions do not describe a process of recovery. The process of recovery is outlined in the 12 Steps. The 12 Traditions describe the primary purpose, collective need, requirements for membership and service, priorities, and restrictions necessary for the process of the 12 Steps to occur in an NA Meeting, within the NA Group, or any services performed by Service Boards and Committees that are formed by the Groups. While the 12 Traditions are commonly regarded as the rules and regulations of NA, they are actually a set of Spiritual Principals that create the perfect environment for the spiritual process of the 12 Steps to be shared between Addicts, Groups, and the Fellowship as a whole. This same set of Spiritual Principals can also be adapted and used to create a healthy environment within our families, workplace, and in the community.

"They are actually a set of Spiritual Principals that create the perfect environment for the spiritual process of the 12 Steps to be shared...[and] can also be adapted and used to create a healthy environment within our families, workplace, and in the community." Yes. Living the traditions in relationships with others makes good sense. But my issues at this point are more about dealing with myself. I certainly have other groups, but it's just me I need to see to today. I'll see other people at a meeting this afternoon, but up until that point I have no planned interaction with any other person. And most of that time I'll be physically alone. After the meeting, I'll go home and be physically alone again. At this point I need to apply the program not to my groups but to me, myself and I – the only group I'm normally with right now.

There was an OA retreat for the Silicon Valley group on living the traditions, and they get closer to what I'm trying to ferret out for me today. They suggest the principle for the 9th tradition as it applies to me is responsible organization, not formally organized. Yes. That's what I need right now. I've told you of my list of things to do today - going back to an iProcrastinate app I hadn't used for a while. And certainly it's a tool, but my goal for the day can't be checking off everything on that app. It has to be living a meaningful life, being in turn with what God wants me to be doing today, and DOING that.

Okay. I've got other things I need to address today. And now I'll address them because they're the next right thing to do, not that they need to be checked off the calendar on the app. Thanks, God, for leading me here. What can I do for you next?

Preceptor

2011-07-30T05:27:00.000-05:00

I learned a new word today. Preceptor. It shouldn't be a new word. Know why? Because it's in Overeaters Anonymous, 2nd edition. The Acknowledgement begins:

This book would not be possible without our great preceptor, Alcoholics Anonymous.

My dictionary simply defines the word as "a teacher or instructor." Obviously, though, the word is derived from "precept" which gives a deeper understanding of the role of a preceptor. Merriam-Webster says a precept is:

: a command or principle intended especially as a general rule of action
: an order issued by legally constituted authority to a subordinate official

So, the teacher, the giver of precepts, the educator is the general rule of action, or as the Big Book says, the basic textbook, the lesson plan, the curriculum of the Twelve Steps. "Legally constituted authority" rings of the lesson on pages 60 and 61 talking about, "Most people try to live by self-propulsion," and "if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great."

I'm not in charge. My only job is to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand him and to seek only to know His will for my life and to have the power to carry that out.

May the Twelve Steps be my preceptor today, this day, the only day I have.

Awesome Reading this Morning

2011-05-19T09:09:00.001-05:00

No, it's not OA material. It's not even Al-Anon approved, but it is Al-Anon. And Powerful.

"Sobriety means getting rid of the bottle and the baby." Those words are from a physician who directs a fine alcoholism treatment center. What does he mean? The still-sick alcoholic not only has a problem with alcohol, but with immaturity -- to the point of infantile social behavior.

One of the ways this irresponsibility manifests itself is in the alcoholic's high degree of selfishness -- an infantile narcissism which means that, after the booze, he is the important one. It's a long way down the line before anyone or anything else is truly important, except that which helps him get momentarily puffed up -- serving his illusions of grandeur. This is not an exaggeration of facts, merely a statement of them as they are, part and parcel of his disease....

Unfortunately, the facts don't seem to indicate he's going to, on his own, have a great change of heart and become a caring person. The facts say he is a very sick man, not just occasionally, but always, as long as he drinks -- and that his disease is a progressive one. This means he will most definitely be getting sicker if he does not get well. It further means he will be in even worse shape to help you, should you become ill.

There is one paradoxical fact that could, and would improve the situation for you. The sooner you stop centering your life around him; the sooner you give his whole disease back to him; the sooner you let go of his problem; the better chances will be that he will treat you well!

Getting them Sober, Vol. 1 by Toby Rice Drews, pages 91-92

I think the sample I copied is legal under the fair use doctrine. But even if it exceeds those lengths, I need to write it here for me and for others. The book is copyright 1980 and out of print, but it's worth getting it and the sequels on EBay or any way you can.

So, why does this Al-Anon advice ring true to me? Let me count the ways:

As soon as I'm back in my disease, I'm acting childishly and the center of my universe is ME.
Those I care for who are not in the program who belittle me and disdain me are acting this out -- they're not intentionally saying I mean nothing, they just don't see it, don't get down that far on the list very often if at all.
When I have spent my life as a people-pleaser, being the childish person who picks wildflowers and brings them inside fifty times because the first time they got a smile and a kind word, persisting in the behaviors that are supposed to please, expected to create a smile -- just don't. And never will.
My creating a distance, stopping feeling like "The Help" not only isn't selfish, it's beneficial to the other -- when and if the "other" gets over his pity-party.
And that last sentence. The last phase. What I've spent decades trying for. I've been trying all wrong.
That's the big one. That's the thing I cannot change. God, give me wisdom! And serenity!

Commitment

2011-05-05T10:50:00.003-05:00

I have a couple of blogs - this and another in my name. And I've made a commitment to a third, DAILY. That's a big step. But it's something I need to do. It does commit me to recovery writing, though the other author and I have a stash of material we can start with. That will run out, though. The other blog can be found two ways: www.RecoveryDailyDose.blogspot.com or www.EagleWingsPress.com/daily.

I guess where I am right now is the recovery saying, "I can't, God can, I think I'll let him." I've got so many irons in the fire, how DARE I do this? But it feels right, and I didn't think I could do what I'm doing right now. Speaking of that, I have a major commitment I said I would do last night, and I came to the office this morning intending to do it first thing. But it's an hour before noon, and I will do it. Now. The big things are so much more intimidating before we jump in. And that's what commitment is, whether it's to blog or to write or to chair a major undertaking. And I'm committed. So I'm jumping in. Come along for the ride!

Blockage

2011-04-30T08:14:00.000-05:00

I sat down this morning, the end of April, and accidentally clicked "Edit Posts" rather than create. I found this from two months ago that evidently I never posted. So I'll read and finalize or toss it. Let's see what happens...

Pipes get blocked. Blood vessels get blocked. Recovery gets blocked.
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once folowed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64)
We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 71)
How does Recovery get unblocked? How do pipes and blood vessels get unblocked? A Roto-Rooter. Angioplasty. "If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 71.) Steps Three and Four - for a start.

Obviously I would have elaborated further. But at this point I don't see the need. I'll hit "publish" and come back and write what's on my mind this morning.

Decision time

2011-04-28T09:43:00.003-05:00

I'm working on the new book, A Cloud of Witnesses - Two Big Books and Us by Barbara B. Rollins with OAStepper. It's decision time, cutting out time. And my words are my children, hard to let go of. These didn't make the cut, so I'm sharing them with you now. May God be with you and may these words go where they need to be today.

Hebrews 1:13-14

And God never said to any of the angels,

“Sit in the place of honor at my right hand 

until I humble your enemies, 

making them a footstool under your feet.”

Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation. (NLT)

Angels are servants,

only servants,

like second class,

like riffraff.

Guardian angels,

a real angel,

as sweet as an angel,

gone to be with the angels,

with the riffraff? With servants?

Perspective’s everything.

When speaking of one higher than angels,

how high they are

fades in importance.

I’m okay. I’m fine.

Even if I’m lesser, riffraff when contrasted

that doesn’t mean I’m not fine, high enough

not real.

God, enough of my ladder,

folks higher, lower,

none on my rung.

I’m lonely. Enough with

knowing about, not knowing.

Hebrews 2:14

Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. (NLT)

Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 146

After your man has gone along without drinking for a few months, you may be able to make use of his services with other employees who are giving you the alcoholic run-around… An alcoholic who has recovered, but holds a relatively unimportant job, can talk to a man with a better position. Being on a radically different basis of life, he will never take advantage of the situation.

Same, same;

different, different.

Same, different,

different same.

Some differences matter – big time.

Others flavor.

You tell me it’s fine to have just a bit,

I’ve earned it, I’ve done so well.

You’ve no idea what a snippet would do,

how total debacle would follow.

You have to be like me

to understand me,

to gain my trust in my insanity

with my recovery.

God, thanks for putting people in my life

who’ve walked this path,

who lead me to recovery and to you.

Incremental Growth

2011-04-20T19:19:00.002-05:00

I remember, years ago, when we had someone plant the pine tree. We moved here in 1994, and sometime - I'm reasonably sure within a year - Biff planted a twig he called a pine tree. I don't think it was a foot tall, and I know for certain some of the weeds I mowed down today were larger that that tree. But while mowing I was startled by a sight - a pine cone. From that tree. It's really been a tree for a long time, but the cones I've noticed before were anemic little things. This one wasn't! When did that happen?
I've become aware of changes in me. Not changes happening, but realized transfigurations. The very act of mowing was one. Previously, I would have tentatively proposed the project to hubby, not wanting to offend, having an aversion of taking a task he might possibly have hired out or planned to do soon. And I know my bringing it up would have been, in some frames of mind, asking permission to make a decision, and in others, trying to go the extra mile to earn praise or recognition or acknowledgment. But I did it because I'd grown embarrassed by the yard. Even the house next door, normally by a totally derelict appearance making ours shine as a potential show home, boasted a more manicured lawn.

In other situations, with other people, I'm asserting a leadership role, no longer anxious to avoid offending at all costs some possible idea, unexpressed, obscure, and - truth be told - unlikely to occur in anyone's imagination but my fertile garden of what-ifs.

As to abstinence, after the initial year of pink-cloud eating, emotions roiled, and old habits inched their way back in. Abstinence from early 2008 until early 2011 was the white-knuckle variety, something I'm as good at now as I was all those years from age 13 to almost 60 which I was on a "diet" - steadily gaining most years, reaching that awful 300 pounds on a doctor's scales. I worked with my sponsor, and she pointed out a pattern I hadn't detected. I'd do pretty darned good white-knuckling it for a month. Then the old "reward due" attitude would butt in, and for a few days nobody would have seen my eating as having any redeeming qualities. Remorse came quickly, especially as the depredation grew with subsequent slipping periods, and another month would begin. I didn't gain substantial weight back, was truly on a food plan many more days than not, but self-esteem was a word in the dictionary, nothing with which I was even slightly acquainted.

Then something happened. I didn't know it at the time - no "scales... fell from my eyes," no significance "burst upon me." Instead, it was a "different footing," "roots in a new soil." (Quotes from page 12, Alcoholics Anonymous.) But some time in late January, I got it. I found out how to surrender, how to let go. I learned there's no effort in abstinence, just accepting the rules laid down for me by a benevolent friend whose knowledge and insight know no bounds. My roots are firmly planted in rich loam. Thank God!

Restless, Irritable, Discontented

2011-04-08T20:27:00.005-05:00

I'm scheduled to speak at a meeting tomorrow. While I know it's not a time to prepare a speech (meaning to figure out how to show myself in the best light) not to have thought about it, to have invited God's input for preparation, is wrong. I don't know where the collection of my pictures I had got off to, so I printed out some more today. It's good to look at them. And it's good to see the others, the ones during recovery, that show the distance I still have to go toward a normal body weight. My abstinence has been good since January, and the scales and clothes show it, but not fast enough for me ego, which, of course, needs to be dumped.

What do I have to share? I do have recovery that's awesome, and I am in the midst of taking quantum leaps forward in recovery. That's the reason for the subject I wrote for this post - yesterday. It's been my state all week. The reason, as I understand it, is the growth itself. I'm addicted to a person, just as much as I am to food, to compulsive overeating. I've had him in the role of my higher power for years and years and decades. At this point I'm trying to move him out of that slot so God has room to take it. I can't move him out, but I can avoid worshipping at the pagan shrine. How can I do that? My current course is to utilize the mantra, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." Just this evening, he asked me if I had put an orange in the refrigerator, and I said no. So he suggested I put it in the freezer. Then later he asked for it and only then did I realize he had intended the orange sodas he bought, not a piece of fruit. His anger at my doing the wrong thing when he could easily - as easily as I could - have placed it there and gotten it out was not fair - as if that had ever made a difference in our relationship. Yet he's bitter at me for not doing it right. I thought it was an unusual request. And yes, I could have figured it out - I finally did. But in the past I would have bought into the guilt he threw at me. It's not my guilt. We went further, with him criticizing my life, my not staying in his presence, and that only, all day every day. I sit here with the fear still there, but not the recrimination. I'm finally growing up, finally realizing the next rung of recovery and delivered promises. But it's not fun, at all!

For Today this morning said, ‎"It is not easy to risk failure in plain view of those who wait smugly on the sidelines. To be thought foolish or insane could well start an avalanche of negative self-judgments. But as I grow, I become more willing to venture out of my cocoon." (p. 99) I did. I ventured out of my cocoon. A little. I'll move more tomorrow, and each day, one day at a time.

And yes, I'm restless, irritable, and discontented. It comes from feeling my feelings, from not denying them. It results when I realize what I've missed out on for so many years, in so many different ways. Affection, acceptance, respect, attraction, affirmation, confidence, confiding. Trust. I'm grieving for a life that could have been, but I have to offer the hard-won understanding that each of us is responsible for our own recovery, for our own life. Nothing I could do would be good enough, would elicit the acceptance I crave. Not from a broken person. But an unbroken God and a fellowship of sick people, recovering from insanity like mine, can fill me so full of acceptance, I find surfeit at last.

Testing the Promises

2011-04-01T21:00:00.004-05:00

Obviously there are lots more promises in the Big Book than those on pages 83-84. But tonight I was listening to tapes I made on an OA cruise (The tapes will be available soon on the Region III website.) and one of the pitches included a statement the speaker wanted to stay in OA long enough for all the promises to come true. I'm glad I listened. I've heard the speakers - live - and worked with the tapes a while, but this was the first time that one grabbed me.

So, which if the promises have come true for me so far?

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 83-84)

Amazed? Yes. I'm amazed at the changes made in me during the last four years, three and a half months.
A new freedom? Certainly I'm more free. I'm doing what I want to be doing, excited about life, loving every day I go to the office - or somewhere else to pursue my passion.
A new happiness? Hum. My sister posted on a photo album I put up of a recent trip where I dared to do (the cruise I've told you about): "Who is THIS, and what have you done with my sister? I'm so proud of you and all you have accomplished!" Yes, I'm certainly filled with a new happiness - but there's more room to top it off. I had a day this week filled to the brim with resentment and longing.
Regret the past? Well, I regret not getting to OA until I was virtually 60. But I also understand the past made me what I am, gave me the background to help others get here quicker, find sanity earlier. My pain empowers me, my liberation enables me to unshackle others - or, more accurately, to show them how to free themselves. So I don't wish to shut the door on the past.
I comprehend serenity. I can't hold onto it, but I've had it for brief moments, and they're growing longer and fuller and more enveloping.
Do I know peace? No. I sense it. I've tasted it, waded in it, but I've yet to become immersed in it.
"No matter how far down the scale we've gone..." This one always makes me smile, at least inside, when used in the context of OA. I know what it means. But we of OA have lived and died by the scale all our lives, and going down the scale is what most of us wanted when we came into OA. That's not what it means. But it's still how I read it, so I guess this one isn't played out in my life yet. The "scale" is still too important to me, not something I can assume is God's business and not mine.
The sense of uselessness and self-pity will disappear? More so than before. Getting there.
Self-seeking will slip away. Hum. My sponsor told me for someone like me, a people pleaser, a self-denier, a low-self-esteem co-dependent, the question "Where was I selfish?" means "Selfish in this context is not the negative monster we fear as a label. What did I want from this person, institution, or principle? How did I feel deprived or hurt? Write what you wanted or needed in the situation." And self-seeking was the behavior I did to get what I wanted. I'm still struggling with this, still giving my self away, failing to hold on to what I need for me. This one is easing but far from achieved.
Lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows? I'm finding a community who understands me, and I am interested in them and love them and would do anything for them.
Reading through the rest, I see the same pattern. I'm progressing, but the path is not finished. I'm in for the long haul. Thank God!

Counterintuitive

2011-03-28T15:16:00.002-05:00

I just came back from the OA Region III Serenity at Sea cruise, a week aboard the Carnival Conquest. One of the participants told of talking to her doctor, telling him she planned to cruise with OA. His response was to ask if that wasn't counterintuitive. Short answer? NO!

It was a very meaningful experience, and a really spiritual one. Abstinence wasn't tough. It was actually easy, not because it was a cruise, not in spite of the fact it was a cruise, but just because. My abstinence had been tough for a long time, but since late January, that has changed. Would I have stayed abstinent had I been struggling with it when the cruise started? Probably. I would have been so aware of all the other OA people around, the fact I couldn't "hide" food by stuffing it inside me. But abstinence has nothing to do with what's around us. I can be abstinent in a bakery or a grocery or a restaurant or anywhere - if I'm going to be abstinent anywhere. I can also break my abstinence in a vegetable garden with nothing but green stuff available by any possible means. Abstinence on a cruise isn't counterintuitive. OA is. All of our best minds had tried all the things that made any sense. We couldn't find relief from compulsive overeating. We tried giving up, admitting defeat. And we found recovery. Now THAT is counterintuitive - and miraculous.

So, what?

2011-03-13T11:31:00.004-05:00

Neat post earlier this morning. Real insight. So now what? What's the difference? Right now:

If God's my higher power, I work on writing a book instead of playing games when I'm sitting in this chair.
If God's my higher power, I get out of the chair and do things that need to be done, have needed to be done for a long time.
If God's my higher power, I don't let logistics stop what I need to do. I walk out to the car and get what I need this morning.
If God's my higher power, fear is gone. Wow. That one's big.

and to enable us to serve him without fear God of Israel,
because he has come to his people and redeemed them.
He has raised up a horn of salvation for us
in the house of his servant David ...
and to enable us to serve him without fear
in holiness and righteousness before him all our days. (Luke 1:68-75 NIV)*

We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 6)

Assistant Higher Power?

2011-03-13T10:02:00.003-05:00

So. I've not studied psychology particularly. I guess I've pretty much avoided knowing about codependency -- knew it struck too close. This definition hits at the heart of my problem. I'm addicted to a person. The definition says:

The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self -- personal identity -- is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person's identity and problems.

That kinds of sounds like the codependent at some point made a decision to turn her will and life over to the care of the other person. Bingo. Guilty. So how, if the life and will is already turned over to another person, can the life and will be turned over to God as I understand Him? Is there a role of Assistant Higher Power? If so, which gets it? I'm pretty darned sure in my case the other person and God don't agree on what to do with my life.

I've kept thinking of this as being a 7th Step problem, that God could relieve me of the obsession about the person, but no. It's a 3rd Step issue. One has to go before the other can take over.

I admit I'm powerless over the other person, that letting that person manage my life makes it unmanageable, makes both of us miserable.

I have come to believe that a power really greater than me can restore me to sanity.

I have made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. I know the post has been occupied for a heck of a long time and that the interloper needs to be evicted. The 3rd Step is a decision, not a fait accompli. I've made a decision that God will be in charge. I'm totally willing and ready. My part is to look to God instead of the person for guidance. God's part is to show me how the heck that can be done. Amen and Amen.

Missed Steps

2011-03-10T12:30:00.002-06:00

I’ve heard some people who move from creeping straight to walking have to go back and learn to crawl sometimes, an essential step missed and needed. Maybe that’s what’s going on with me. Not the crawling – I did that part of it. But…

Okay. I set out to tell you, and I will. Mother used to claim I always wanted a fire truck instead of a doll. I don’t think that’s the entire truth. I expect the fire truck was a passing fancy. But the disgust with dolls? Yep. That one lasted for decades. When necessary to mess with dolls, I designed and made clothes for them. Or, in collaboration with my sister and the next-door-neighbors’ granddaughter/babysittee when necessary for dolls to be involved, I played the hunter/gatherer role while they nested in a world of my imagination’s creation. I never liked dolls.

Until…

Last Saturday I heard a speaker who told of reestablishing contact with her innocent childself by loving on a stuffed toy until she felt, rubbing his paw, as though her foot were being caressed. Yeah. Sure. Maybe for someone else…

That night, as the Big Book says, "suddenly the thought crossed my mind." I knew there were stuffed animals in the storage bedroom, wasn’t willing to venture in there. But wasn’t there something among my travel souvenirs? That’s how Bobbye came to bed with me. Before my critics chime in, I know he’s not a bobby but a beefeater. And I know how to spell the London cop bobby. Bobbye, though, is my spelling of a childhood name Mother called me at times – maybe the same times she called me the little boy among her flock of girls.

I missed some steps. And I’m catching up on them. And Bobbye and I can grieve together over water that passed under the bridge decades ago.

The Great Elixir

2011-03-09T09:59:00.002-06:00

Doctor Bob spoke of his childhood home, a small town where liquor was obtained if the State liquor agent was convinced a person really needed it. Otherwise, the person left with "none of what I later came to believe was the great panacea for all human ills." ("Doctor Bob's Nightmare," Alcoholics Anonymous, page 171 4th Edition)

Panacea. A solution for all difficulties or diseases.
Elixir. A magical or medicinal potion.

That's what food was for me. I was told a long time ago I was passive-aggressive: "being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness)." Yes. I knew that. I accepted criticism and sarcasm I didn't deserve. Then I "showed him" by doing what he wanted poorly or not the way I was directed to do. I "showed her" by being sloppy, not playing by the rules just exactly, aggravating without outright disobedience. I agreed to do something then put it on my desk, to be done next time I got desperate and cleaned the desk.

I knew I was passive-agressive. But I didn't realize the big way I did it: by stuffing the feelings back inside with food. I had a habit of leaving the house, normally mad or at least discomforted, and it became habit for the car to join at least one drive-through-window queue at a donut shop. When the house was quiet and nobody was around to bother me, I expressed my wistfulness in the kitchen, concocting whatever didn't emanate smells that might tip off sleeping witnesses. I guess I should have put it all together when my mother would comment she could always tell when things were going badly because my weight went up. Yep. It did.

Comfort food. That's redundant, isn't it? Isn't all food comfort food? I thought so. Certainly I had favorites, but just stuffing my mouth worked, whether it was something I wanted to eat or not.

Comfort doesn't come from food. I have finally learned that. A friend said recently she'd been praying that the food before her be enough, but a better prayer had been suggested. "God, let this food be my nutrition and You be my comfort."

Finally. The Great Elixir.

Self, Humility, Service, Exposure

2011-03-03T15:26:00.002-06:00

I can't even figure out who to label this one. I had been looking at rankings in Amazon because of a post on Facebook. And I found in looking at the ranking on the Kindle version of my Slender Steps to Sanity a shocker. I have no clue how many pieces of writing there are in the Kindle category/sub/sub/sub category

Kindle ebooks
Advice & How-to
Health, Mind & Body
Recovery
Twelve-Step Programs

but Slender Steps ranks 47th of those. On books, not just Kindle books, it's 179th. Among OA books, it's 24th. Part of me wants to feel pride, part of me wants to hide from that kind of acceptance, part of me is grateful for the opportunity to offer service in this way, and part of me feels absolutely naked.

If I concentrate on that, I will be disabled, blocked, unable to write. I cannot do that. I have a gift and need to continue to offer it to God. I didn't write Slender Steps. I sat there and watched as my fingers typed it. Then I read it and was amazed at what had come out.

I wish I hadn't looked. Like what I weigh, where my book ranks is none of my business. I need to do the next right thing. And that is to write, to move forward in my own recovery so that what I do write may be of some benefit to those I pass it on to. I have substantial fear about this. It's time to ask that God relieve me of my fear and show me what he would have me be. Amen.

Salvation

2011-02-20T08:21:00.003-06:00

Jesus loves me,
this I know
for the Bible
tells me so.

Forty years ago, when I was trained as a Christian educator, the professor said this was a poor song to use with children because there's not a specific place in the Bible where the inquisitive child can be shown, "It says so here." Maybe that's so. Probably not.

I had an anguished email this morning from a friend who said, "I was holding onto the belief that I could be saved and God was going to save me." She said she prayed day and night for a week. My Dear, God has saved you, is saving you, will save you, holds you always in his loving hand.

There's a story about a Sunday school teacher who spoke with the mother of an animated child. The mother said, "If he's a problem, just spank the child next to him. He's a very sensitive child." Duh! Well, NO! When I was the Director of Christian Education in a church, I was close to a small group of children, working with them making puppets. One was just such an animated child, and I was about to lose all the teachers in the class - 5th grade, I think. I went in and taught for about a month. He knew I loved him. He was a very intelligent child, and we talked about the problem. He quit being such a pain, even after I left the teacher's chair. Love is the answer.

And God knows the answer, made the answer, is the answer. We are all God's children. The email "that I could be saved and God was going to save me" -- you're trying too hard, My Dear. Relax in the loving hand of God and KNOW he loves you, know you are his precious child. God doesn't punish the "bad" and save the "good." God LOVES us. And some of us, in our anguish and self-recrimination, find that being in the presence of such love is hell. God's love is. God is love.

We "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." (Step 2.) He was always there. We have to come to him, to come to believe in God, in Love, in Acceptance. God is not a punishing god, a vengeful malevolent being. God is LOVE.

Rigorous Honesty

2011-02-15T08:55:00.002-06:00

I'm being nudged toward "honesty" today. For Today tells me "Truth is always the same; honesty changes with my awareness." I picked up Julia Cameron's The Right To Write which I've been reading a paragraph to a page at a time for a heck of a long time in "the reading room." Today she was telling me to do an exercise, sitting down and responding to such open sentences as, "If I weren't to afraid, I'd..." and "What I'd really like to say is..." (those aren't quotes - don't have that book with me.)

I went by a vendor this morning to pick up something they'd prepared for me. It's the first time we'd talked since I retired, and we talked about that - and I found it "necessary" to stick in an unnecessary and unnice comment gratuitously. It was honest. It wasn't pertinent or needed. I got to the office and have all kinds of things I can do and my gut wants to hide, to waste time. Instead, I'm tackling the tasks at hand. Two of the items on my app telling me not to procrastinate today are "Write about recovery" and "Blog on OAStepper" and I'll check both those off with this. And hopefully in the process I'll also discover why I don't want to do the iProcrastinate program, I just want to delete the "i."

"If I let myself admit it, I..." have some resentments and fears raised yesterday. Neither is big. Both are fearsome because they challenge a comfort level for me. The result of the changes is a result I want. Part of me wants the changes. Part of me wants to hide. I will move forward with the positive part, and turn the rest over to God since it has nothing to do with today and that's all I need to concern myself with. That comes across as BS writing which Julia wouldn't appreciate after the chapter I read. But it's honest inside, and it is revealing, and it's freeing so I can move forward with exciting things waiting for me to do today. Tomorrow's not my issue. Good day!

Soliloquy

2011-02-10T15:17:00.003-06:00

I should let you know this was written at the suggestion of another, specifically on the subject of fears, sadness and loving myself. While it is very true, reflecting my own feelings, they are not specifically current feelings, so those of you who know me, don't worry about me, okay? I'm FINE. I'm thriving.

Soliloquy

Hello, mirrored face.
Can’t find a smile?
I’ll not ask for one. I accept you.
You don’t have to pretend,
don’t have to chant your childhood mantra,
“I’m fine. Just fine.”
You don’t believe it
and honesty opens doors.
If you and I can’t be honest,
who can be? Can people really
tell the truth? The whole truth?
Nothing but the truth?
Say what you mean.
Mean what you say.
Don’t say it mean.
Cute. But doable?

Hello, mirrored face,
furrowed brow. Your fears show.
Who can be afraid of tomorrow,
of years to come when today looms,
ominous, daunting,
a virtual dare.
Fears circumscribe the day,
the people, the faces
waiting for you to shine
or fall on your face.

Hello, mirrored face,
sad eyes echoing years of trying,
years of doing, decades of striving
to please, of looking up begging
like a dog beneath the table,
delighted with a tidbit – gristle's fine,
just see me, toss a crumb of kindness.
Just know I shine more often than
I fall on my face.

Hello, mirrored face.
You know, you have a sweet face —
what did that ticket seller in the bus station
tell the young you all those years ago?
Why not remember the exact words —
with so few kind words to follow?
Oh, for goodness sake.
You know that’s not true. They were there
in spades, but they sloughed off —
you only grasped the bad, the negative,
the put-downs.
That’s subject to edits, you know.
You can hear the praise, let it seep in,
accept it, feel worthy of it. You are,
you know. Worthy. You are.

Hello, mirrored face.
Let’s expect to tick through the tasks
of the day, one by one, amazing others —
you’re used to that. But this time, what about
amazing me? And you. This time let’s know
it’s done well.
Did you know people love you?
How about that package yesterday?
You don’t even remember him, but ten years later,
he knew you, sent you his treasures.
How’s that for affirmation?
Let’s set aside the sadness. You can’t be loved
by someone who can’t love.
You can’t please someone
who can’t be pleased.
You can be loved by the vast majority
of folks you meet, lives you touch.
You’re loved. Heck, even I love you
through my fears, my sadness, my doubts.

My Rights to Rights

2011-02-08T20:46:00.003-06:00

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right – for you’ll be criticized anyway."

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them."

The weather tonight is expected to be terrible -- rain, then sleet, then snow, then gales. The temperature outside right now is 52F. The temperature inside is colder than frigid. I'd rather not be in the house tomorrow, snowed in. I'd rather not be ignored, belittled, disdained. I did it knowingly. I claimed my rights. At least part of them. One part. And I want to make up for it. WHY? I claimed MY rights.

I read a funny story the other day. An elderly couple died, early in the 20th century, apparently leaving no heirs. A lawyer built a house and claimed ownership by possession. A woman found the heirs and bought the property. He wanted to buy the rights she'd gotten, and she wouldn't sell. He wanted to remove the house he'd built there, and she claimed the improvements went with the real estate. He sued her then said in court she had stolen the house. She said she wasn't as good a thief as he: he'd stolen a whole ranch. They were both fined $25 for contempt of court (in the 1920's when that was real money) but she won the suit.

What does that have to do with what I'm feeling tonight? The woman in the story did the right thing. She stood up for her rights. Evidently she even told the truth about the lawyer, and paid a hefty price for her honesty - in an inappropriate place. I stood up for my rights, legally, morally, fairly. The fact I'd let them go for years with only intermittent protest doesn't make them not my rights.

This is a recovery blog, and what I'm saying doesn't sound very recovered, does it? What does recovery say about it?

Recovery says we stop thinking about people being of different levels of worth, on different tiers of worthiness. It means not thinking we're better than others, but it's also not thinking we're less than others. That's where recovery comes in. It really is mine. I don't have to play the doormat. I don't have to allow him to run rampant over my feelings and my comfort. I have a right to self-respect. And that right is lots harder to claim, for me, than the right to the few feet of real estate I claimed. I would be criticized anyway, of that I'm quite certain. So I need to do what is right, what I'd advise someone else was their right in the situation. And as Emerson said, I must have courage, for I'll be told I'm wrong whether I'm right or wrong, whether I exercise my rights or relinquish them to a bully. Peace does have its victories - but capitulation is not peace. I have a right to be right. I have a right to claim my rights. And I don't have to yield to the fear raised by claiming them.

Yeah, What Chuck Says

2011-02-04T12:06:00.003-06:00

I set out in January to read through Chuck C's A New Pair of Glasses. Truth is, I didn't do very well in getting through - like precious little - not did I feel I was fully living the blessings of Recovery in January. Today I picked up the book again, still in the first chapter, and found some things that pull me, touch me, nudge me. Chuck talks about his "bottom" saying "everything dear to me in life was gone, and should be gone, and ... I was not entitled to have it back." (p. 17)

It occurs to me the reason I haven't reached the heights of recovery promised is that I never got to a low enough bottom, and that feels absolutely ridiculous. My Hell Year (basically 1997) began and ended with a son having surgery. (October 1996 and November 1997) Between there I turned 50; my father was hospitalized for seven weeks, some of the weeks on a respirator in ICU, with Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Younger son, because of a slight by a coach and other reasons, chose to graduate at 16. Older son and I went to visit my dad, now home from the hospital, and the pillar of strength was having panic attacks. I was so stressed worrying about son left at home with husband and their proclivity to temper and anger at each other, and about my parents, I severed my rotator cuff in an instant with a mild movement. I had that surgery and wore a brace for twelve weeks. The doctor had said it would be six weeks then at the end of that said he'd known with my weight it would be more. In October I was hospitalized again with a blood clot, then the older son had the November surgery. My solution to all of it was the habitual -- not just habitual -- one of eating. In the spring I weighed 300 pounds. I felt a total failure at marriage, at parenting, at pleasing people, at everything except my job. And I remember looking at another woman who got her job the same way I did, by appealing to the voters, and thought fat women shouldn't run for office. I weighed at least a hundred pounds more than she did. I was a miserable failure.

Was that not rock bottom? Did I have to fail at more? I did start up from there, start taking care of myself. I lost weight and never got back to that point again, though I was still morbidly obese. I worked with a wonderful massage therapist who healed my mind with my body. I sought out counselors, did what I could to take care of myself, but I wasn't fixed.

I didn't come to OA until December of 2006, and I was instantly home. I found the program, I got the program, I got recovery. Then I got lazy. I got complacent. I'd lost enough to be comfortable, mended relationships enough to be amazed, found self-respect I'd abandoned many years before...

So, what else does Chuck say?

"From that moment of commitment until right now I've never had a drink or pill. This is one of the reasons I believe so completely and totally that there is only one road block between me and you and me and God, and that's the human ego." (p. 18)
He talks about his chair, how he spent years of hell there and years of heaven there after abandoning the human ego and says, "Heaven was always in that chair." (p. 18)
"I have the thing I was looking for in the bottle... That king-size hurt is gone." (p. 19)
"I'm not fighting me, or you, or life, or God or the devil. I am at peace with me and with you and with my very own God. That's the only reason I'm not drunk." (p. 19)
"I have lived in total expectancy of guidance and direction for twenty-nine years, and I get it... 'How do you know?' ... I never had it so good." (p. 20)
"Of course, if we want to get real simple, the whole thing will boil down to obsessions of the mind, which is the ego... But if I have to spread this dirty linen out before another human being, if I've got any ego left after that, I haven't done it! That's an ego buster." (p. 21)
"...you and I have to do this without getting too serious about it." (p. 24)

I certainly identify with the fact my ego is the problem. I try to be really honest. I pride myself in being honest...yeah, that's the problem, huh? I am honest when honesty makes me look good, seem righteous, appear to "have it." Then there's the "act as if" and such. And there's the getting too serious about it. I can't WORK this program. I can't structure it. I can't control it. I can follow it. I can show up and take orders. I can abandon ego.

God, help me to act as if I have no ego until it's true. Let me finally release the huge hurt.

The Winter of Our Discontent

2011-02-03T11:25:00.002-06:00

Shakespeare wrote:

Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer...

and was looking past the winter of discontent, which was in the past, and the "now" was made glorious. It certainly is winter, now. From Texas to New England, we've been socked in by snow since Monday night - well more than 48 hours now. And at least in my corner of Texas, the snow has nowhere near melted, the temperature now, 18F, is about as high as it's gotten, and being alone or - worse? - with family is rubbing raw. I've gotten out twice already for pure stir-craziness. Why would being in the same place since Monday evening seem so confining?

It's not, of course. My home is comfortable, warm enough with plenty of things to do - everything I might need. Well, perhaps I need program people. Certainly I need program people, but they're on my computer screen and the telephone works just fine. So why stir crazy?

They call it a geographic - the impression that just being in another place makes you more content, better into recovery, cures all the problems. It doesn't, of course. Now, changing places or jobs or other aspects of your life can make sense, as long as it's not running away, but my real problem - myself - goes with me everywhere.

The apostle Paul said, "I have learned to be content anywhere I am." I realized a long time ago - in the early 1970s - that I'm basically happy in any town, in any job. But even with that, I'm not happy with me, not with no interaction with anybody but me except through the computer. So, what do I have? I have the tools:

a plan of eating
sponsorship
meetings
telephone
writing
literature
anonymity
service
action plan

I'm using the writing tool now, have already used literature and a plan of eating today, and have the ability to attend a meeting online or by telephone almost any time. Service and sponsorship I'll be doing later in the day. I've got all kinds of tools waiting for me to use. There's no reason for me to stop at "Now is the winter of our discontent" but I can move on to what it is that does make it glorious today, each day, one day at a time.

Divested of a Crutch

2011-01-28T09:14:00.003-06:00

Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch. ~ James Baldwin

Wow. I don't need to add anything. I just need to come visit this and remember it every five minutes. What crutches do I rely upon?

Food.
Anger.
Resentment.
Procrastination.
Gossip.
Passive Agressive Getting Even.
Stupid Computer Games.
Taking His Inventory.
Okay, Taking Her Inventory.
Not My Job - Somebody Will Do It.
Excuses - But I'm Busy! But I'm Special! But I Didn't MEAN To.

Wow. Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch. ~ James Baldwin

God, make me willing to let go of my crutches, today, right now, every time I can. And make the "can" come more often. Amen, so be it.

Grasping

2011-01-18T12:04:00.003-06:00

The Big Book speaks of "grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58) My dictionary says grasp means to seize and hold firmly. How do you grasp a manner of living?

I'd decided to do more program-related reading this year, and I picked up Chuck C.'s A New Pair of Glasses. Though I've bought the book twice, I guess this is the first time I got this far (10 pages?? Something like that) reading it. But I've spent lots of hours listening to Chuck C give the speech next to my ear. And this is early enough in the book/speech I was usually awake. But I never "grasped" this part of the message. Chuck said this was essential, that without grasping and developing the manner of living of the Twelve Steps, we fall back into the chaos from which we came. So, it must be possible to grasp recovery. How do I go about that?

Well, I read program literature.
I act as if when I don't want to deal with the program.
I start each day reflecting on where I am, where I'm going, and Who is going with me. Amend what. Who I'm going with.
I get really serious about the Tenth-Step stuff "on retiring."
I realize when I'm not rigorously honest, I'm not grasping and developing the right "manner of living." The proof is in the pudding, in other words. Well. Not the pudding, unless it stays on the shelf. And that's another issue for me. I've been finding too much comfort in sugar-free pudding. When I get rid of the stash in the pantry I'll..... No. No more pudding when it's not part of a meal shared with other people. No private puddingfests. I don't like this number.
We've got nine tools now in OA: abstinence, meetings, phone, writing, anonymity... Looks like I need to work on using the tools when I can't even list them. They are: a plan of eating, sponsorship, meetings, telephone, writing, literature, anonymity, service, and action plan. I do pretty well on the plan of eating at this point (well, pudding not included), and I'm working on adding to the Voices of Recovery and For Today I normally read each day. I'm determined to blog weekly as a way of writing as well as of service. I call my sponsor and I sponsor regularly. I go to a meeting regularly, could add other meetings but don't. Anonymity I've got down. Service I do fairly well. An action plan? I ordered walking shoes yesterday. And that ton of a telephone. Sigh. Okay. Use the tools. Nine of them.

I think I have the picture. And believe me, this is an example of rather rigorous honesty. Sigh.

The Next Day

2011-01-11T14:40:00.003-06:00

So. I've read what I wrote last night. And I've remembered the night. But I remember no startling revelation.

Okay, sitting here, what comes to mind is the idea of "Don't look at me." The last month has been an embarrassment because I was making a major change in my life and I've been praised by people I barely know, gifted by people I'd rather not be indebted to, in the limelight way too many times. I don't like the limelight. That's funny. I certainly enjoy public speaking. I have been a public figure for years, intend to be for many more - and perhaps in an even more ostentatious format. But when I speak, when I appear in a public setting, I'm in charge, in control. If I were small? If people whistled at me? How ridiculous. I'll soon be 64 - not exactly whistle bait no matter what I might weigh, ten pounds less than my goal weight or even more! (Or does that count as less??) I couldn't possibly be hiding from such, could I?

This has been open several hours. My answer is, "I don't know." But I know I can't do it. I know God can. And I know I intend to let him.

God bless us every one.

Impediments in My Mind?

2011-01-10T22:27:00.002-06:00

I weigh a hundred pounds and change less than I ever weighed. But a part of me feels like a fraud since I wrote Slender Steps to Sanity really quite early in my tenure in OA, after I'd lost this weight, but before I'd reached an ideal weight for my size. I still weigh between 195 and 200 - but LESS than 200. That wasn't true a couple of weeks ago. My abstinence has been solid since Christmas Eve. But before that, spotty. My sponsor pointed out I could get 30 days but pretty soon after that, I slipped. The slipping got rather drastic during this fall in the midst of some stressors. That's no excuse. Well, it is. It's an excuse, not a reason. It's a justification for not being who God would have me be, who I would choose to be.

But would I choose it? Do I really want to be an ideal weight for the first time in sixty years or so? I know when I was 13, about 1960, Mother took me to a doctor who prescribed weight-loss pills. So I was on a diet from then until I found OA December 17, 2006. When was I an ideal weight? I remember about 1957 playing "Red Rover, Red Rover" and running when someone called "Let Fat Domino come over." I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at me for running. And for failing to break through.

I was asked today just what I'm trying to protect myself from in not moving the rest of the way to what I would swear to you I want - to weigh something near 140 or 145.

She said it could be just obstinacy. That for so long I put up my hackles when all these well-meaning people told me what I should weigh, what I should eat, how much I should exercise, how much better I'd look if I just...

Am I that stubborn? Darned right I am. Have I really thwarted myself all these years? Obviously. Have I done it intentionally? Define intentionally. The dictionary says "done on purpose, deliberate." So?

The other question she asked is what I'm afraid of if I were to weigh that. I don't know. I'd answer no, but I do recognize the prevalence of fear, the pervasiveness of fear.

I sit here, having had three meals and nothing else today. That should be the norm. It has not been. I've been having something after supper. And still losing. But I knew - said to my food buddy last night - that wasn't something I should be doing. As I sit here knowing that - at 11:07 PM, I want to fix it. I want to get what I deserve. I deserve food. Baloney. Well, no. I don't eat baloney. I don't need it. It's cold, we've been in the bedroom, heating only one room, so my behavior differs than when hubby goes to bed and I'm left up, alone. It's not hunger that leads me back to the kitchen. Boredom? Not really. Entitlement. "That which is morally right, just, honorable." It's not. It's not morally right, not honorable. Why do I feel entitled to it?

Auburn has won the national championship. So what are they entitled to?

I don't know the answer. God, give me the answer. Relieve me of my fears and show me who you would have me be. And I'll continue this tomorrow, answers in hand.

Beyond Resentment

2011-01-01T07:21:00.002-06:00

The resentment's not new - no, it's ancient. I've overcome it before, grown past it. I can do it again, will do it again, am doing it now. It's a justified resentment. I have not always known than, tried for decades to become the person who wasn't treated so badly. In the process, I was told I was passive aggressive, the first time I'd ever heard the term way way way back when. It was defined then for me as "I don't get mad, I get even." Truth be told, I never got even by doing poorly what I was ordered to do, by thwarting through seething anger. I never really found peace until I found the Steps. In the rooms of recovery, I learned I didn't have to accept anybody else's opinion of me, that I could be more than he thought I was, more than I thought I was. I am not limited. God is not limited.

God, give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change - him, his opinion of me, his treatment of me. Give me the courage to change what I can change - me, my opinion of myself, my treatment of him, my attitude toward him, my rejection on his attitude and opinion of me. Give me the wisdom to know the difference. That's happening, again. I went to sleep listening to Joe and Charlie, came back to bed to the discussion of unearned (they used some other word) resentments. So, God is giving me the wisdom I need. Again. I will release the weight of resentment, and I firmly believe that weight has been making my knees hurt. I claim good health and happiness for this, my new day, my new year, my new life, resentment free. Thank God. I will not be mad, not even even. I'll soar past and fly.

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-31T07:23:00.003-06:00

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." ~Ellen Goodman

A conversation last night with a woman I sponsor:

she: I am going to do some resolutions.

more goals, since no one keeps resolutions, and i reach goals all the time

me: resolutions... good.

meaning goals good, resolutions are part of our disease

10:40 PM she: really?

jeez, i learn something new like every MINUTE

10:42 PM me: okay

10:48 PM the bit about resolutions is that they're so like, "I'm going to lose 50 pounds in 2011" or "I'm going to weigh 120 for the party." Not all of them are weight, but they're all our exercising our power to perform something we probably have tried and failed at miserably before.

10:49 PM she: definite truth there

10:50 PM me: and be careful with goals, that they don't become what you intend to do of your own power. They're areas where you feel god's leading you and the steps that seem right for you to take to assist in the process, but you're following the lead.

10:52 PM she: hmmmm, I'm really glad I am talking to you about this

10:53 PM because historically it is me attempting to do things to carve my life how I think it should be. "should"

I'm better in that department, but not exactly sure how to approach my 2011 path

10:54 PM me: Where do you think god's guiding you? What would he have you be on your next birthday? what's necessary for that to happen? how can you allow it to happen?

she: I think God is guiding me home

10:55 PM to create a home

as I have started to

I know that's vague. it's what comes to mind

to eat simpler

be simpler

be honest

me: okay. and what behaviors, if you engage in them, move you in the wrong direction? What are you asking God to help you learn to avoid doing? It comes out the same way, just not with the same mindset.

she: snappy, snippy reactions (out of fear, when I'm threatened - or perceive to be)

calm

serene

focused

10:58 PM that's my trait i'm having the biggest difficulty with right now

not biggest, it's just here because he's taken so many others

11:00 PM me: yes. But remember he turns our defects into attributes. and focused is a very large defect for you, so you've had plenty of practice on the process.

she: so i should pray to be focused on certain things

peace

love

those types of things

11:01 PM me: or on the client in front of you or on running ten seconds quicker or or or.

she: ok

the now

me: whatever you're properly focused on

me: thinking and reacting to are different things.

11:06 PM she: I guess

I need an "issue"

I feel like I need something wrong. not comfortable when things are fine

so fine in 2011 sounds good

me: probably

yes.

11:13 PM she: I wonder if I could spend a little more time being good, every day throughout 2011

11:14 PM me: sounds good. but define good?

she: (you sound like me- that's not specific and how will you know when you get there)

good

at peace inside, but not a boring peace, a happy peace

like a ripply ocean

excited about life

11:15 PM me: neat

she: not in a crazy, obnoxious way

in that way, you know those people, when you see them, they just radiate energy?

they give off love

I want to be that

11:16 PM me: good

she: things i do that bring me closer to that:

exercise

completing planned workouts

11:17 PM

reading recovery literature

reading quotes

11:21 PM so, for setting goals/resolutions for 2011. how do I go about this?

decide where God is leading me

hear it

(not decide)

11:22 PM me: yes. You plan to run fast, you don't decide how fast you'll run, just that you'll put yourself in condition, yield to his leading in training, to run your best possible that day, or by this time next year, or such. Just goals, not measurable objectives. God measures. you don't need to be able to grade his papers.

11:24 PM she: ok. so unlike what we're always taught with SMART goals, don't make them specific, measurable, attainable (because who are we to even guess at our potential), realistic (that one I always disliked), and time bound.

the time bound one, though, seems ok

but if we don't measure, how do we know we got there, or close?

me: because we're blown away by how far god exceeded what we would have set?

11:25 PM she: ahhh

i kinda can see that

My Inch

2010-11-03T17:16:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 12:25-29

See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, "Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens."The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken – that is, created things – so that what cannot be shaken may remain.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." (NIV)

"We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

How often have I refused to listen?
How many times have I
known enough, deemed
my choices sufficient, smart?
I know less than a inch in the
multi light-year universe
of knowledge
and stand here, smug.
How often have I missed
the wisdom God
wanted me to have?
Am I listening today?

God, let it be.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

A Cloud of Witnesses

2010-10-31T13:07:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NASB)

"Many a man, yet dazed from his hospital experience, has stepped over the threshold of that home into freedom. Many an alcoholic who entered there came away with an answer. He succumbed to that gay crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes and understood his. Impressed by those who visited him at the hospital, he capitulated entirely when, later, in an upper room of this house, he heard the story of some man whose experience closely tallied with his own. The expression on the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating and electric atmosphere of the place, conspired to let him know that here was haven at last." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 160)

So great a cloud
of witnesses,
saints preceding,
people of faith,
a crowd of witnesses
through ages and eons —
people who know the rigors of the path,
watching for us to
shed our baggage,
take off and run – or fly —
for the joy set before us,
for the promises,
the hope
pulling those
after us into
the cloud of witnesses.

Thank you, God, for saints
surrounding me with love.

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®,
Copyright © 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995
by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Willing to Be Willing

2010-10-24T10:57:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 11:7-10

It was by faith that Noah built a large boat to save his family from the flood. He obeyed God, who warned him about things that had never happened before. By his faith Noah condemned the rest of the world, and he received the righteousness that comes by faith.

It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith – for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God. (NLT)

"This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

I don’t want to do that.
I really don’t want to do that.
Would you believe REALLY??
I asked her to sponsor me,
not to boss my life.
Isn’t there an easier, softer way?
No? Tried before?
I know. They call it faith.
They call it act as if.
They have what I want.
I want faith, I want recovery, I want serenity,
I want what they have.
I’ll do what they say to do
but I don’t have to want to,
do I?

God, I’m willing to be willing
to walk these Steps.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

God's Hands

2010-10-22T20:39:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:26-31

If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people."It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (NIV)

“Of course he couldn't drink, but why not sit hopefully at a table, a bottle of ginger ale before him? After all, had he not been sober six months now? Perhaps he could handle, say, three drinks - no more! Fear gripped him. He was on thin ice. Again it was the old, insidious insanity - that first drink.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 154)

Dreadful to fall into God’s hands?
Isn’t a word missing – a not?
Dreadful to fall, not into the hands
of the living God —
anywhere but into his
will, into his hands.
If he doesn’t hold me,
catch me,
I glide
down the slide,
collapse
into relapse,
blaze into malaise.

Hold me, God,
let me rest in your cupped
comfortable
hands.

The Hope We Possess

2010-10-20T07:32:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:19-23

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (NIV)

“Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 153)

Our hope,
the hope we possess,
our expectation,
our desire,
a person or thing
that may save us.
Hope, for he who
promised is faithful;
hope for a book,
an idea,
a truth.
Hope for others to march on,
hope for a path
through the curtain,
through our uncertainty.
Hope. Eternal hope,
hope proven
by that which others
hoped for before.

Oh, God, our hope
in ages past,
our hope for years to come —
thank you.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Sixteen Tons

2010-10-18T20:01:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:15-18

And the Holy Spirit also testifies that this is so. For he says,
“This is the new covenant I will make 
with my people on that day,says the Lord: 
I will put my laws in their hearts, 
and I will write them on their minds.”
Then he says,
“I will never again remember 
their sins and lawless deeds.”And when sins have been forgiven, there is no need to offer any more sacrifices. (NLT)

“Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his ofﬁce. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It’s water over the dam.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 70)

Gonna lay down my heavy load
down by the riverside,
amends made —
upfront and honest,
water over the dam.
Guilt has to have a greater density
than osmium, much less lead.
Heavier than a heavy heart,
weight piled on weight with heavy hand,
guilt crushes.
How delightful,
lighter than air,
to walk away from guilt,
leaving it with
lighthearted
heartfelt
amends.

For new life,
for release,
for lightness,
thank you, God.

Presently Progressing

2010-10-16T21:19:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:11-14

Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy. (NLT)

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 60)

“Made perfect.”
Past tense.
“Being made holy.”
Present progressive.
The first 100 in AA
said they had recovered,
but claim spiritual progress,
not perfection.
I want to be made perfect.
But I resent the continuing efforts
to be made holy.
Can’t I have recovery on a silver platter?
Nope. Not if I want progress.
Not if I want to be made holy.

God, I disdain people
who don’t try to see to their needs,
to grow. In this,
I seek your help, your will,
to walk your path, not theirs.

God's Will.

2010-10-16T14:53:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:5-10

Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said:  
"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,  
but a body you prepared for me;  
with burnt offerings and sin offerings  
you were not pleased.
Then I said, 'Here I am – it is written about me in the scroll —
I have come to do your will, O God.'
"First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. (NIV)

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

God’s will.
God’s will, God’s will,
God’s will!
Te Deum.
Tedium.
Okay. But why the “only” —
I’ve a perfectly good will,
worked just fine for
most everything,
all but the compulsion.
God’s will for that,
mine for the rest!
Why NOT!?
Mine works.
It got me where I am.
Or where I was
when I stumbled into
the rooms of recovery.
Oops. Okay.
God’s will.

God, I’m here to help.
But I need help
to remember I’m here to help,
not to lead.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Special of the Day

2010-10-14T23:11:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 10:1-4

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming – not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. (NIV)

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

Wake praying,
turning life and
living it over to God,
Move through the day
surrendering again then again.
Yesterday’s piety
counts for nothing,
commitments coming
tomorrow, next year,
fifty years out
count for nothing.
Today matters, just this day,
just this surrender,
just today’s willingness
and peace.

God, I’m an errant toddler
straying from safety,
forgetting the
peace of compliance,
of surrender. Show me.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Second Chance!

2010-10-13T21:35:00.000-05:00

Hebrews 9:27-28

And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:

So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation. (KJV)

“He begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth, and he got it. In the doctor's judgment he was utterly hopeless; he could never regain his position in society and he would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. That was a great physician's opinion.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 26)

Hopelessly doomed.
Appointed to die,
physically maybe – preferably?
Socially certainly.
Loss of freedom, of self-respect,
of life worth living.
Sentenced to nullity
to nothingness.
Suddenly, sentence negated,
nunc pro tunc,
quashed.
Phoenix rising,
regeneration.
Hope survives,
soars,
exulting.

I was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see.
My life is past, Lord.
This one’s all yours.

Constructive Action

2010-10-10T13:37:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 9:23-26

It was necessary, then, for the copies of the heavenly things to be purified with these sacrifices, but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these. For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God's presence. Nor did he enter heaven to offer himself again and again, the way the high priest enters the Most Holy Place every year with blood that is not his own. Then Christ would have had to suffer many times since the creation of the world. But now he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. (NIV)

“But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 93)

Faith alone.
Yep, tried that.
Didn’t work so well.
And was it self-sacrifice
I lacked?
Unselfishness?
Constructive action?
I sacrificed myself for everybody,
trying to please, trying to win
affection.
Unselfishness? I had no self
exposed, had merged myself
in someone else,
his thoughts, his feeling,
his will.
Constructive action?
Certainly action.
But not unselfish, not other-centered —
not constructive.

God, reconstruct me
so I can find myself in self-sacrifice,
unselfishness, constructive action.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Forgive me?!

2010-10-08T10:27:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 9:18-22

That is why even the first covenant was put into effect with the blood of an animal. For after Moses had read each of God’s commandments to all the people, he took the blood of calves and goats, along with water, and sprinkled both the book of God’s law and all the people, using hyssop branches and scarlet wool. Then he said, “This blood confirms the covenant God has made with you.” And in the same way, he sprinkled blood on the Tabernacle and on everything used for worship. In fact, according to the law of Moses, nearly everything was purified with blood. For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness. (NLT)

“It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 77)

“Forgive us our sins
as we have forgiven those
who sin against us.”
I’d rather shed blood
than forgive sometimes —
my own, even, not the blood
of calves or goats.
In fact, I’d rather shed my blood
then kill – or hurt – calves or goats.
I feel so unworthy,
so low, so base
nothing could matter more than me.
Nobody could rank higher.
But this is about forgiveness —
how did I get here, to the ladder rungs?
Who’s sinned against me?
I have. I’ve dismissed me,
shunned me.
I forgive me.
I matter.

God, teach me to accept gifts —
yours, and others.
Teach me to reach out when I need help.

Vigorous Personal Housecleaning

2010-10-07T10:44:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 9:14-15

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant. (NIV)

“Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98)

A personal housecleaning
ridding my life not just
of pesky clutter,
undone todo lists,
well-aged New Years Resolutions,
but of deadly stuff,
acid eating away
at my heart, at my lungs,
at my being.
Fear, hate, envy,
self-loathing,
if-onlys,
shattered shoulds,
fractured woulds,
the lethal stuff
I’ve hauled around
all these years.

Create in me a clean heart,
O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
and do not take Your holy spirit from me.^*

* Psalm 51:10-11 (KJV)

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

New Life

2010-10-05T10:51:00.001-05:00

Hebrews9:9-10

This is an illustration for the present time, indicating that the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper. They are only a matter of food and drink and various ceremonial washings—external regulations applying until the time of the new order. (NIV)

“We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, ‘a design for living’ that really works.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 28)

Easter.
New life, resurrection,
new birth,
a design for living that works!
Only looking back can I see how hard
I tried, how many ways I attempted
to claim sanity,
to heal myself.
My gifts, my sacrifices,
my determination
were only ceremonial,
just lame attempts
flimsy reeds.
Useful for seeing how great this is,
for relating to others still clinging
to flimsy reeds.

God, you sought me
when I was too busy to find you.
Thanks for the patience.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Still...

2010-10-04T20:25:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 9:6-8

When everything had been arranged like this, the priests entered regularly into the outer room to carry on their ministry. But only the high priest entered the inner room, and that only once a year, and never without blood, which he offered for himself and for the sins the people had committed in ignorance. The Holy Spirit was showing by this that the way into the Most Holy Place had not yet been disclosed as long as the first tabernacle was still standing. (NIV)

“Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife’s hope.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 5)

Still: up to and including
the present time;
even now.
The time of hope
before the change,
before it comes,
before recovery.
Maranatha,
come, Lord Jesus.
Bring the change,
make it happen,
I crave recovery,
thirst for the change —
¡Ojalá que sí!

God, when I still don’t get it,
show me how to be still and seek it.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Stuff

2010-10-03T21:16:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 9:4-5

In that room were a gold incense altar and a wooden chest called the Ark of the Covenant, which was covered with gold on all sides. Inside the Ark were a gold jar containing manna, Aaron’s staff that sprouted leaves, and the stone tablets of the covenant. Above the Ark were the cherubim of divine glory, whose wings stretched out over the Ark’s cover, the place of atonement. But we cannot explain these things in detail now. (NLT)

Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64)

Incense altar, Ark of the Covenant,
Aaron’s staff, manna,
Ten Commandments,
(first edition.)
Last year’s must-have
Christmas gift,
the gadget ready to
storm the market —
five years back,
the new electronic
masterpiece
that has them lined up
out the door.
Stuff. Just things,
though priceless or
out-of-date
discardables.
When things attain preeminence
it’s time to
set them all aside
without regret.

God, let me never put
anything ahead of
my need for a closer
relationship with you.

Faith Out of Fear

2010-10-01T16:36:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 8:8-9

But God found fault with the people and said     "The time is coming, declares the Lord,  
      when I will make a new covenant
     with the house of Israel  
       and with the house of Judah.  
It will not be like the covenant  
     I made with their forefathers  
when I took them by the hand  
       to lead them out of Egypt,  
     because they did not remain faithful to my covenant,  
       and I turned away from them, declares the Lord. (NIV)

“Did we not have confidence in our ability to think? What was that but a sort of faith? Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason. So, in one way or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time!

“We found, too, that we had been worshippers. What a state of mental goose-flesh that used to bring on! Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves? And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved something or somebody? How much did these feelings, these loves, these worships, have to do with pure reason? Little or nothing, we saw at last. Were not these things the tissue out of which our lives were constructed? Did not these feelings, after all, determine the course of our existence? It was impossible to say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship. In one form or another we had been living by faith and little else.

“Imagine life without faith!” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 54)

Faithful.
Full of faith.
Full of confidence
in someone, something.
Can fear survive
absent faith? Wouldn’t the void
be filled with resignation,
apathy, lethargy,
not fear?
Fear demands a counterweight,
a worthy opposite,
not some wimpy
void.
Maybe having so much fear
benefits,
makes faith easier to find,
builds capacity for faith.

God, can you really use the fear?
Is that why I have so much? Wow. Awesome!

Curriculum

2010-09-29T20:51:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 8:3-5

And since every high priest is required to offer gifts and sacrifices, our High Priest must make an offering, too. If he were here on earth, he would not even be a priest, since there already are priests who offer the gifts required by the law. They serve in a system of worship that is only a copy, a shadow of the real one in heaven. For when Moses was getting ready to build the Tabernacle, God gave him this warning: “Be sure that you make everything according to the pattern I have shown you here on the mountain.” (NLT)

My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 14)

Patterns,
rules,
recipes,
curriculum —
tough as heck for me
to follow – I can’t teach
a lesson plan I wrote myself!
Principles,
proposals,
suggestions,
Steps —
I want to follow, want to realize
the absolute necessity, the imperatives.
But I can’t teach
a lesson plan I wrote myself,
can’t cook with exactly the ingredients
written down.
I know I need to read, to listen, to accept, to surrender.
But that’s so tough.
I can’t teach my own curriculum.

God who made the pattern,
give me the fortitude to follow it!

Amazing!

2010-09-29T07:40:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 8:1-2

Here is the main point: We have a High Priest who sat down in the place of honor beside the throne of the majestic God in heaven. There he ministers in the heavenly Tabernacle,the true place of worship that was built by the Lord and not by human hands. (NLT)

“The wars which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religions of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 11)

Heaven – high above,
distant, apart, away.
The antithesis of Earth,
Nothing in common with wars,
burnings, chicanery.
Negligible connections.
Heaven – nothing to do
with life on Earth —
except everything!
What love, what grace
pulls even a thought
from perfection
to chicanery, to squalor,
to me?

Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me!

Until We Want Him Enough

2010-09-26T13:52:00.002-05:00

(Note: I've been busy, have written several more, through the end of Hebrews 7. I haven't been conveniently able to post here, though, so instead of besieging you with a slew of posts, I'll skip them. And I'll tell you when they're published in a book.)

Hebrews 7:26-28

He is the kind of high priest we need because he is holy and blameless, unstained by sin. He has been set apart from sinners and has been given the highest place of honor in heaven. Unlike those other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices every day. They did this for their own sins first and then for the sins of the people. But Jesus did this once for all when he offered himself as the sacrifice for the people’s sins. The law appointed high priests who were limited by human weakness. But after the law was given, God appointed his Son with an oath, and his Son has been made the perfect High Priest forever. (NLT)

Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 12)

When we want him enough!?
How much more could I want him —
I begged, pleaded, bartered,
ranted, raged, rebelled,
ignored, cadged, beseeched,
supplicated,
pestered,
sacrificed for,
badmouthed —
I sought him every way I could.
It didn’t work.
Until pride and prejudice sloughed off,
until I wanted him badly enough
to give up.

God, show me so I can see,
touch me so I can feel,
love me until I believe.

Melchizedek? GUS? Shostakovich!

2010-09-20T08:40:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 7:1-3

This Melchizedek was king of the city of Salem and also a priest of God Most High. When Abraham was returning home after winning a great battle against the kings, Melchizedek met him and blessed him. Then Abraham took a tenth of all he had captured in battle and gave it to Melchizedek. The name Melchizedek means “king of justice,” and king of Salem means “king of peace.” There is no record of his father or mother or any of his ancestors—no beginning or end to his life. He remains a priest forever, resembling the Son of God. (NLT)

“Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, A Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

“Howard,” Howard be thy name,
“GUS,” guy upstairs,
“Charlie,”
“The Universe,”
“Mother Nature,
“The Great Spirit.”
Melchizedek?
Makes me think of the teacher
whose swear word was
Shostakovich, the Russian
composer.
A rose by any other name,
God is God,
either is or is not,
but is.
Salem. Jerusalem to us.
Holy is holy is holy.
We’re all walking on
holy ground.
Take off your shoes,
and get comfortable with
the power greater than all
power.

God of no beginning, no end,
no limits to power
or to love,
thank you for loving me!

Rigorous Honesty

2010-09-17T19:13:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 6:18-20

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek. (NLT)

“Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 65)

It’s impossible for God
to lie.
Well, I’m better at that than
God – if being able to is better
but it’s not. I know.
I’ve lived that life, lived that lie.
I don’t want to ever return there.
Honesty is the anchor,
the key to God’s inner sanctuary,
and I’m welcome there!
God wants my honesty,
my soul laid bare before him,
he knows my secrets,
loves me anyway,
and sends me people
who incarnate
such love.

God, make me honest with you,
with others,
and with myself.

Not God

2010-09-16T16:38:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 6:13-17

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.

Men swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. (NIV)

“Here are thousands of men and women, worldly indeed. They flatly declare that since they have come to believe in a Power greater than themselves, to take a certain attitude toward that Power, and to do certain simple things, there has been a revolutionary change in their way of living and thinking. In the face of collapse and despair, in the face of total failure of their human resources, they found that a new power, peace, happiness, and sense of direction flowed into them. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 50)

Funny.
You have to believe
there’s a god
and you’re not it.
Unless you’re God.
But I’m not.
I can’t swear on me
’cause I can’t deliver
but thank God, I don’t need to.
I show up, suit up,
do what God says,
and leave the results to him.
Works for me.
Yeah! It works for me.

God, relieve me of the bondage of self
that I may better do your will.

Trust God, Clean House

2010-09-15T16:06:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 6:9-12

Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case—things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. (NIV)

“Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98)

The only condition
has an “and” in it.
But a cynical analytical attitude isn’t the one
that gets God trusted and the house clean.
We are not to be lazy
but imitate those
who got where we want to be,
who have recovery.
Act as if and it will be.
Diligence to the end,
clean house.
It’s not just, “Let go
and
let God” —
not if I expect God to
work in the background
on auto.
I have to be there, willing
to know his will,
willing for the power
to carry it out.

God, teach me to believe.
Give me diligence and a spirit of surrender.

Thorns and Thistles

2010-09-14T08:21:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 6:7-8

When the ground soaks up the falling rain and bears a good crop for the farmer, it has God’s blessing. But if a field bears thorns and thistles, it is useless. The farmer will soon condemn that field and burn it. (NLT)

“We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 96)

Let me love him
until he can love himself.
But convince me I can’t save him,
can’t pull him to joy, to peace,
can’t push him to right thinking,
can’t help him
because I decide to.
When he’s stuck in thorns
and thistles,
I make it worse
when I try to pull him out.
I do best if I let the thorns
and thistles burn out.

God, stop me when kindness intended
is damage inflicted.

If They Fall Away

2010-09-11T18:58:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 6:4-6

It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace. (NIV)

“Then he fell victim to a belief which practically every alcoholic has – that his long period of sobriety and self-discipline had qualified him to drink as other men. Out came his carpet slippers and a bottle. In two months he was in a hospital, puzzled and humiliated. He tried to regulate his drinking for a while, making several trips to the hospital meantime. Then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 32)

Recovery – so glorious,
the most important thing in my life
joy beyond joy, peace beyond peace.
New vistas open, new challenges,
courage enhanced by program,
I move forward.
Reading? Meditation?
Calls? Meetings?
Sure. So very important —
but first I must…
then there’s…
Recovery – so glorious.
How did it slip away?
Why can’t I pull it back?
I’ve tasted the manna from heaven.
Where did it go?
I’m powerless.

God, all things are possible
for you. Thanks for reeling me back in.
I pray for those standing at the doors,
wanting back in. Give them the courage to ask.

Beyond the Baby Pool

2010-09-07T22:46:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 6:1-3

So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God. You don’t need further instruction about baptisms, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding. (NLT)

“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63-64)

Ah, the recovery waltz,
one, two, three, oops,
one, two, three, oops.
Important Steps, to be sure,
but the first three
feel safer, less exposed, kinder
than the road ahead.
So we linger, cover fundamentals
again and another time.
We risk, though,
blocking ourselves,
cut off
from the sunlight of the spirit.
When we move on to
further understanding,
we’re closer still to
promises
fulfilled.

God, give me the courage to face my fears,
to move to what seems treacherous ground,
knowing you hold my hand on the walk
to bliss.

Growing Up

2010-09-06T08:43:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 5:13-14

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil. (NIV)

“If the family will appreciate that dad's current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad's spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 129)

How dark is the glass
I look through?
Do I speak as a child,
understand as a child,
reason as a child?
A wise woman used to say
the trouble with people being
born again
is they stay there and
never grow up.

God, make me an old-timer
in the rooms of recovery
one day at a time.

You are spiritually dull and don't seem to listen.

2010-09-05T12:24:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 5:11-12

There is much more we would like to say about this, but it is difficult to explain, especially since you are spiritually dull and don’t seem to listen. You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. (NLT)

“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of the selfishness. We must, or it kills us!” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

The Shoe Department
of recovery.
The Slippers, the Sneakers,
and the Loafers.
It’s a simple program,
not easy.
You have to WORK
the Steps,
to practice these principles
in all your affairs.
Stop directing the play,
look at yourself, the only person you can
change,
and do – by stopping trying,
by surrender.
Then you can learn.

God, remind me to listen to me
when I say such things
and to you all the time.

Public or Private?

2010-09-05T11:39:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 5:7-10

During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered and, once made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation for all who obey him and was designated by God to be high priest in the order of Melchizedek. (NIV)

“I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as He would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. Then only might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 13)

Funny. Didn’t Jesus say public prayers
were their own reward,
private ones mattered?
You reckon he ranted to God in private?
Reverent submission, not public display.
What anybody else thinks of me
is none of my business.
Hum. I guess those at the bottom of the page
don’t matter. They’re real prayers when I type,
maybe public displays later.
Made perfect, he became the source
of eternal salvation.
Made sane,
I can become the source
of salvation from insanity
for those who see him through me.

God, let the words of my mouth – or keyboard –
and the meditations of my heart
be acceptable.

Melchizedek and Ebby

2010-09-04T13:21:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 5:4-6

And no one can become a high priest simply because he wants such an honor. He must be called by God for this work, just as Aaron was. That is why Christ did not honor himself by assuming he could become High Priest. No, he was chosen by God, who said to him,

“You are my Son. 

Today I have become your Father.”

And in another passage God said to him,

“You are a priest forever in the order of Melchizedek.” (NLT)

“You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for crusade or reform. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 95)

God doesn’t choose the qualified,
he qualifies the chosen.
Of myself, I’m nothing, powerless.
Powerless over what I put in my body,
powerless over my family,
powerless over my future,
powerless to carry the message.
Like Melchizedek for Abraham,
Ebby for Bill,
I may be a ship in the night,
forgotten but for how God used me
to touch a life.
That’s fine with me.
God help me, though, if
the call is to be Abraham or Bill!
But like Isaiah, I stand on holy ground
and say, “I’m here, God. Use me.”

I’m here, God. Use me.
And qualify me for the call.

Leadership

2010-08-31T22:33:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 5:1-3

Every high priest is a man chosen to represent other people in their dealings with God. He presents their gifts to God and offers sacrifices for their sins. And he is able to deal gently with ignorant and wayward people because he himself is subject to the same weaknesses. That is why he must offer sacrifices for his own sins as well as theirs. (NLT)

“Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 94)

Jesus tagged as hypocrite
he who set himself up
to remove a speck
with a log in his own eye.
Wilson understood when he wrote
the book,
not when he started, preaching, dragging
drunks to the Oxford Group.
When a real leader leads,
the people say, “We did it ourselves.”

God, I don’t want to be better than,
lower than,
other than.
I want to be your child,
sister to the world.

Apples to Oranges

2010-08-28T14:51:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 4:14-16

Christ Is Our High Priest

So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

“After your man has gone along without drinking for a few months, you may be able to make use of his services with other employees who are giving you the alcoholic run-around – provided, of course, they are willing to have a third party in the picture. An alcoholic who has recovered, but holds a relatively unimportant job, can talk to a man with a better position. Being on a radically different basis of life, he will never take advantage of the situation.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 146)

Fair’s fair.
Rules are rules.
I can’t compete with Superman’s
strength, flight, imperviousness.
But some other sexagenarian woman
I’ll take on.
Don’t lecture me, preach to me,
tell me my weaknesses
until you’ve been there, done that,
know the helplessness,
the powerlessness, the humiliation.
I’ll hear you,
I’ll seek your way out,
your helping hand
gladly.
Been there, done that.
Fair’s fair.

God, thanks for understanding us,
for sinking to our mire
in order to lift us
beyond hope’s wildest fancies.

HONESTLY!

2010-08-27T20:58:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 4:12-13

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. (NIV)

“We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 75)

Rigorous honesty,
obfuscation sliced away,
soul exposed,
naked truth,
unmasked psyche.
Healing comes,
though, through exposure,
through access, wounds laid bare —
a healing salve,
the Balm of Gilead.
Perfect peace, at ease,
fears cascade.

My Creator, how can you know me,
inside out, to the rotten core,
and love me still? I don’t know.
I only know, you do!

Beside Still Water

2010-08-25T21:43:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 4:8-9

Now if Joshua had succeeded in giving them this rest, God would not have spoken about another day of rest still to come. So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God. (NLT)

“As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day ‘Thy will be done.’ We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 87-88)

Special rest
waits
for us, for God’s folk.
Special rest in a pause,
in reality check on show-running,
in trading will-power
for the will of God.
Danger dissipates,
fear dissolves,
foot-in-mouth syndrome cured.
Special rest
rewarded by more energy
than ever could be crammed
in any miniscule bottle
for ransom at cash registers.

God, lead me by still waters,
restore my soul,
fill my cup brimful,
the overflow a salve.

Commencement Day

2010-08-20T09:27:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 4:6-7

It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience. Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before:  
"Today, if you hear his voice,  
do not harden your hearts." (NIV)

“The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hears and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 25)

Hard hearts today?
No. Maybe tomorrow.
Certainly yesterday,
but not today.
Today I will hear his voice —
yeah, I know, I normally hear his voice —
but today I’ll listen, not harden my heart.
He’s commenced to accomplish.
And commenced and commenced,
after each today when I stopped him,
hardened my heart,
played god, kept the reins.
I’m ready for moving past
commencement,
ready for graduation
ready to live.

God, I open my heart to you.
Give me the courage not to slam it shut,
let it be pliable clay, ready for your
artisan’s hands.

Honestly!

2010-08-13T15:33:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 4:3-5

For only we who believe can enter his rest. As for the others, God said,

“In my anger I took an oath: 
‘They will never enter my place of rest,’”

even though this rest has been ready since he made the world. We know it is ready because of the place in the Scriptures where it mentions the seventh day: “On the seventh day God rested from all his work.” But in the other passage God said, “They will never enter my place of rest.” (NLT)

“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 58)

The Hebrews writer flips
back and forth
Psalms – Genesis – Psalms,
wondering, pondering,
shuffling puzzle parts —
my kindred spirit millennia ago.
Predestination clashes
with compassion,
renders vile images
of God.
Yet what turns us away from proffered grace,
justifies in panicked minds some other course?
Why does honesty alienate our bejesus?

God, help me to grasp
and develop
a manner of living
in rigorous honesty.

Avatar

2010-08-13T07:46:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 4:1-2

Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.(NIV)

“To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 44)

a three-leg stool, they say —
physical, emotional, spiritual —
recovery requires all three.
but really, spiritual comes first
for the others to last,
to manifest.
recovery means
the spiritual becomes primary,
a recovered person an avatar,
god in me not like a blueberry
in a muffin
but like the ocean in a wave.

God, I offer myself to Thee.
Build with me, use me, freed from
bondage, a picture of
your power, your love,
and your way of life.

Desert Life

2010-08-08T08:17:00.000-05:00

Hebrews 3:17-19

And with whom was he angry for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the desert? And to whom did God swear that they would never enter his rest if not to those who disobeyed? So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief. (NIV)

“God, they believe, almost owes this recompense on a long overdue account. But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of business, romance, friendship, health – these things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 123)

Time.
Right now is all I’ve got,
so God, you can fix it all
right now.
I’m here. I’m willing.
I’ve changed, you know,
set aside childish things,
taken on the right path.
Why must I struggle still?
Don’t you understand, I’m here,
ready,
willing – or at least willing to be willing.
Tell him I’ve changed,
he’s to respect me now.
Tell her I’m honest now.
What? I must prove it?
Do it?
Live it?
Don’t leave me in this desert
I made!

God, was it forty years of amends?
How long did it take
for those children of yours to get it?
And this one?

For Starters

2010-08-04T10:39:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 3:14-16

For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end;

While it is said, To day if ye will hear his voice, harden not your hearts, as in the provocation.

For some, when they had heard, did provoke: howbeit not all that came out of Egypt by Moses. (KJV)

“It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 12)

The beginning of our confidence,
willingness to believe,
unhardened hearts
not provoking —
steadfast to the end,
steadfast but – just these baby steps,
not fulfillment,
not worthy lives,
abounding wisdom —
just the beginning,
in the beginning and lasting
to the end,
even if it’s just the beginning
but maybe the wisdom,
the worth
will slip in.

God, you know I want to do
full-blown or not at all,
need to hide my ineptness, my humanity.
Thanks for willingness to believe,
for taking what I can give
and growing it.

Him or him

2010-08-03T19:27:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 3:12-13

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. (NIV)

“Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

I sit here,
steeped in resentment,
wanting to respond, to show my holiness.
He’s wrong. He’s arrogant.
He deserves my wrath.
God should strike him down
for treating me like this.
I carry the vision of God’s will
for him, how he should treat me,
how he can serve, be worthy
of respect, of my stopping
this behavior that so irritates him.
I’m not the purveyor of God’s will for him.
If I want to show holiness, worthiness for Him
I have to stop irritating him.
It not about how he treats me.
God will treat me right
if I release the resentment,
exercise proper use
of my will.

I’ve done it, God.
You know he doesn’t deserve it,
turning off my radio
when he came in
and turned on the TV.
He doesn’t deserve it.
But I need your grace, your love,
especially when I long for
at least respect
from him.

God's Anger

2010-07-31T09:07:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 3:10-11

“…So I was angry with them, and I said, 
‘Their hearts always turn away from me. 
They refuse to do what I tell them.’
So in my anger I took an oath:
‘They will never enter my place of rest.’” (NLT)

“Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our efforts to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 76)

Can you make amends to God?
I turn my heart to him,
I seek his way – to know and walk.
I understand his wrath.
Like Daddy, tired of my
“I’m sorry”
saying, “Don’t be sorry.
Don’t do it!”
I don’t want to, God,
don’t want to wander back
the way I came,
to self-will, to heart turned inward.
I offer my amends, God,
not “I’m sorry,”
but living in your will.

God, I’m willing to go to any lengths.
Make it true, God.

Living My Sorry

2010-07-30T11:22:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 3:10-11

God, I’m willing to go to any lengths.
Make it true, God.

Thanks for Your Helping Hand

2010-07-29T22:30:00.004-05:00

Hebrews 3:7-9

Warning Against Unbelief
“Today when you hear his voice,
don’t harden your hearts
as Israel did when they rebelled,
when they tested me in the wilderness. 
There your ancestors tested and tried my patience,
even though they saw my miracles for forty years. (NIV)

“Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 94)

Insight,
that’s what I lacked.
You’ve shown me how it works.
I know from here I’ll be just fine,
my problems fixed, my life aligned.
I admire your dedication,
your fervor,
but I don’t need
the constant prod,
the repetition.
I thank you for your help.
Yeah, that was me. I said all that.
But now I’m back.
I’m listening.

God, if I could fix it I would have.
Let me let go so you can fix it
and hold it together
as long as I release it to you
each day,
each hour,
each now.

Fear Facing

2010-07-25T09:53:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 3:5-6

Moses was faithful as a servant in all God's house, testifying to what would be said in the future. But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast. (NLT)

“We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 68)

What would God have me be?
Fearless.
A person of hope,
one who holds on to courage.
No, that’s not what I mean…
Doctor, lawyer, merchant,
writer, teacher, judge,
mother, wife, woman.
What does God want me to be?
Fearless.
A person of hope,
one who holds on to courage.
Then all these things —
or at least the right ones —
will be given.

God, take my fears —
which you know are legion! —
and show me what you want me
to be.

Worthy Is the Lamb

2010-07-25T09:33:00.003-05:00

Hebrews 3:3-4

Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. (NIV)

“God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 63)

He’s building
I’m not even the building,
just the materials – and but a piece.
Who’s he for me to
set the plan,
to dictate who to help
and how?
How dare I tell him
what I need,
order his prompt obeisance?
Worthy is the lamb.
Worthy of respect,
worthy of honor,
worthy of submission.

God,
I offer myself to Thee —
to build with me
and do with me
as Thou wilt.

As Moses Was Faithful

2010-07-23T14:10:00.003-05:00

Hebrews 3:2

He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God's house. (NIV)

“Besides a seeming inability to accept much on faith, we often found ourselves handicapped by obstinacy, sensitiveness, and unreasoning prejudice.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 47-48)

Say Moses died at 120,
less wandering forty years,
lose maybe five more years
after shedding sandals
for the burning bush —
at my age was he scared,
maybe obstinate, touchy,
hating Egyptians?
Did Moses learn faithfulness?
When? In an instant, picking up that rod?
In seven days of plagues?
During forty nights and days on Sinai?
I’ve got only one day,
one night,
right now.
But I’m faithful now.

Lord, Paul talked about
the shield of faith,
helmet of salvation,
and sword of the spirit.
I pray for all of that
and the grace to accept it when offered.

Holy Brethren

2010-07-22T07:28:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 3:1

Wherefore, holy brethren, partakers of the heavenly calling, consider the Apostle and High Priest of our profession, Christ Jesus; (KJV)

“From a trembling, despairing, nervous wreck, had emerged a man brimming over with self-reliance and contentment. I talked with him for some time, but was not able to bring myself to feel that I had known him before. To me he was a stranger, and so he left me. A long time has passed with no return to alcohol.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page xxxi)

Holy brethren, us?
brethren, certainly, but holy?
Yes.
Our pasts are not us – we’re not
who we were,
not barrel-bottom scum
any more.
We’re changed,
lifted to the fourth dimension
of existence,
holy, brethren with each other
children of the
power to change.

God, you took me from
a despairing nervous wreck
and made me holy. What can I do
for you?

Pain, the teacher

2010-07-21T10:46:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 2:18

Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested. (NLT)

“The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These work-outs should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 117)

Pain is always the teacher,
which makes the pain
more tolerable
if I can just remember that,
if I can go past seeing some wisdom
and really buy into the notion.
Pain does make me more tolerant
of others facing such,
unless I take credit
for God’s grace
in bringing me through,
a better person,
renounced by my forgetting
the Source.

God, the source of all that’s good
help me to trust you through the pain
of growth.

Merciful and Faithful

2010-07-18T11:45:00.002-05:00

Hebrews 2:17

Wherefore in all things it behoved him to be made like unto his brethren, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people. (KJV)

“We pocket our pride and go o it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 75)

Mercy me!
Mercy! Me?
Merciful to me!
How can you know
my baseness
my depravity
and accept me?
How can one so good,
so pure,
not shun me
but hug me,
accept me,
love me?
Mercy!

God of grace,
God of mercy,
thank you for your faithfulness.

Abraham's seed

2010-07-16T20:42:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 2:16

For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants. (NIV)

“When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of God is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have faith.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 51)

Angels those alcoholics weren’t,
an angel I’m not.
Like Abraham I give up waiting
for God’s promises
and take matters into my hands.
I misunderstand,
get scared and lie to save
myself,
forsaking the parts worth saving
in the process.
God wins, though,
no matter what I do.
God wins,
and with his triumph
I win.

God, take me,
my character defects,
my plans, my hopes, my dreams,
and trump them with
Heaven on earth.