I give up.

"I give up." A year ago I would have told you those words reflected defeat. Now I know they bring freedom, victory, peace, serenity, joy, and sanity. Blessed sanity. And weight loss is an exciting byproduct of sanity! But first, surrender is necessary--and oh so positive!!!

Consider David when finally confronted with the question, "What have you done?" (I Samuel 1:1-13a) David knew God. He had been chosen by God to be king over Israel. Together they had confronted the world, and David knew what it was to depend of God's guidance. He forgot. He was king, and he decided he could make decisions and run things. He did a lousy job of it. He and Bathsheba bore the consequences of their actions in the loss of the child of their misconduct. David repented completely, but having faced his failure accepted with it the aftermath. Don't you suspect he had many sleepless nights during his misconduct? Don't you know he would have expected God to have been as kind to him as he was to Uriah the Hittite? The consequences were dire, but they were out in the open, not the fear of the unknown, and now he could move forward, no longer relying on his decision-making abilities but again turning to God.

My life was unmanageable. My misdeeds weren't as dramatic as David's, but they abounded and they haunted me. I was intelligent, educated, a natural leader. For what reason would I expect not to be able to do what other people were doing? Like eating sanely. Like gaining the respect of those closest to me. Like living a meaningful life, not just existing, an automaton drearily plodding through the assigned tasks. Why could I not love and be loved? What was wrong with me?

What I hated most was for someone to say, "I don't know how you do all the things you do." I felt so false, so bogus. I wasted hours every day, avoiding doing what needed to be done, then rushed through the tasks when the deadline loomed and facing them was easier than facing myself, a failure once again.

My life was out of control, both in eating and in every other area. I had to have help. I needed sanity.

This morning I experienced a wave of the old madness. Nothing major was wrong. I had finished a massive project yesterday and felt pride in the product and the growth experience. But the bathroom scales didn't dip as far as I had hoped, and Tuesdays I normally go weigh "officially." What if my landmark 100 pounds off from last week no longer existed? The tank was low, so I stopped for gas, more expensive than the last two weeks. I should have bought yesterday or the day before. The car wash code I'd bought a week ago was rejected. Turning left against rush hour traffic seemed senseless, so I drove right then turned around.

Suddenly, with no more justification than that, the old insanity washed over me, that longing that in the past on virtually every day had sent me to the donut shop for an apple fritter. I'd tapered off and more recently the need had been treated to a weight-loss bar instead, but still, that was feeding the beast, and it was insanity. I didn't fall prey to it today. I know the urge came in part because this devotional needed writing and I'd asked God's help on it last night. I've drunk 3 cups of coffee since then, but ingested no calories.

Again, I accept my insanity, I accept my inability to control my own life and even what I put in my mouth. I give up. And I thank God for his willingness to pick up the responsibility.

How do you feel the insanity? Write about what you've tried to manage and cannot.