Some will object to many of the questions posed, because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring. To these it can be suggested that a conscious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with. Because our surface record hasn't looked too bad, we have frequently been abashed to find that this is so simply because we have buried these selfsame defects deep down in us under thick layers of self-justification. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, AA, pp. 53-54)
A friend gave me Dorothy Day's The Long Loneliness for Christmas. On page 11, she says, "I feel that I have done nothing well. But I have done what I could." She also quotes St. Augustine as praying, "Lord, that I may know myself, in order to know Three."
I'm guilty as charged. I see faults in others -- faults that drive me crazy -- and they're my own.
- One friend is on time when she's 15 minutes late. I feel smug. I'm there within five minutes of the time I'm due. I'm almost never more than a minute or two early for an appointment or meeting.
- For years my excuse for not doing things in the evening was my husband's preference I remain at home. And I chafed at it. When he was gone for more than two months, the desire to be a homebody was my own.
- I'm peeved at a gift I perceive to be all show and no substance. My own reaction to invitations is to forget to do anything about them then apologize. This is perhaps acceptable occasionally. As a decades-long pattern, it's not.
- I feel (despite my telling myself I shouldn't feel so) that I've been slighted at a milestone in my life, a death. I paid for the obituary to be put in my local paper, but it appeared December 27, and to know the connection the reader had to read to the family description; the name didn't communicate. I don't read obituaries, rely on my husband or friend to tell me of the ones that matter, then I neglect doing anything about them.
I started this step study/commentary based on the suggestion of a mentor who told me she thinks the issues I'm having in my life now will be addressed in Steps Six and Seven. I'm not sure I can peg what the character defects described here are, but I'm ready to address them. I'm ready for recovery to the 4th dimension. I'm ready to know myself in order to know God.
1 comment:
I am truely thankful for this disease. This program is like none other that allows you to examine yourself constantly and make ammends. It is so important to look beyond the physical problem and focus on the emotional and spiritual areas as well. "Relieve me of the bondage of self".
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