New Years Resolutions

"We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential." ~Ellen Goodman

A conversation last night with a woman I sponsor:

she: I am going to do some resolutions.

more goals, since no one keeps resolutions, and i reach goals all the time

me: resolutions... good.

meaning goals good, resolutions are part of our disease

10:40 PM she: really?

jeez, i learn something new like every MINUTE

10:42 PM me: okay

10:48 PM the bit about resolutions is that they're so like, "I'm going to lose 50 pounds in 2011" or "I'm going to weigh 120 for the party." Not all of them are weight, but they're all our exercising our power to perform something we probably have tried and failed at miserably before.

10:49 PM she: definite truth there

10:50 PM me: and be careful with goals, that they don't become what you intend to do of your own power. They're areas where you feel god's leading you and the steps that seem right for you to take to assist in the process, but you're following the lead.

10:52 PM she: hmmmm, I'm really glad I am talking to you about this

10:53 PM because historically it is me attempting to do things to carve my life how I think it should be. "should"

I'm better in that department, but not exactly sure how to approach my 2011 path

10:54 PM me: Where do you think god's guiding you? What would he have you be on your next birthday? what's necessary for that to happen? how can you allow it to happen?

she: I think God is guiding me home

10:55 PM to create a home

as I have started to

I know that's vague. it's what comes to mind

to eat simpler

be simpler

be honest

me: okay. and what behaviors, if you engage in them, move you in the wrong direction? What are you asking God to help you learn to avoid doing? It comes out the same way, just not with the same mindset.

she: snappy, snippy reactions (out of fear, when I'm threatened - or perceive to be)

calm

serene

focused

10:58 PM that's my trait i'm having the biggest difficulty with right now

not biggest, it's just here because he's taken so many others

11:00 PM me: yes. But remember he turns our defects into attributes. and focused is a very large defect for you, so you've had plenty of practice on the process.

she: so i should pray to be focused on certain things

peace

love

those types of things

11:01 PM me: or on the client in front of you or on running ten seconds quicker or or or.

she: ok

the now

me: whatever you're properly focused on

me: thinking and reacting to are different things.

11:06 PM she: I guess

I need an "issue"

I feel like I need something wrong. not comfortable when things are fine

so fine in 2011 sounds good

me: probably

yes.

11:13 PM she: I wonder if I could spend a little more time being good, every day throughout 2011

11:14 PM me: sounds good. but define good?

she: (you sound like me- that's not specific and how will you know when you get there)

good

=

at peace inside, but not a boring peace, a happy peace

like a ripply ocean

excited about life

11:15 PM me: neat

she: not in a crazy, obnoxious way

in that way, you know those people, when you see them, they just radiate energy?

they give off love

I want to be that

11:16 PM me: good

she: things i do that bring me closer to that:

exercise

completing planned workouts

11:17 PM

reading recovery literature

reading quotes

11:21 PM so, for setting goals/resolutions for 2011. how do I go about this?

decide where God is leading me

hear it

(not decide)

11:22 PM me: yes. You plan to run fast, you don't decide how fast you'll run, just that you'll put yourself in condition, yield to his leading in training, to run your best possible that day, or by this time next year, or such. Just goals, not measurable objectives. God measures. you don't need to be able to grade his papers.

11:24 PM she: ok. so unlike what we're always taught with SMART goals, don't make them specific, measurable, attainable (because who are we to even guess at our potential), realistic (that one I always disliked), and time bound.

the time bound one, though, seems ok

but if we don't measure, how do we know we got there, or close?

me: because we're blown away by how far god exceeded what we would have set?

11:25 PM she: ahhh

i kinda can see that

My Inch

Hebrews 12:25-29

See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, "Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens." The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken – that is, created things – so that what cannot be shaken may remain.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." (NIV)

"We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 164)

How often have I refused to listen?
How many times have I
known enough, deemed
my choices sufficient, smart?
I know less than a inch in the
multi light-year universe
of knowledge
and stand here, smug.
How often have I missed
the wisdom God
wanted me to have?
Am I listening today?

God, let it be.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

A Cloud of Witnesses

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (NASB)

"Many a man, yet dazed from his hospital experience, has stepped over the threshold of that home into freedom. Many an alcoholic who entered there came away with an answer. He succumbed to that gay crowd inside, who laughed at their own misfortunes and understood his. Impressed by those who visited him at the hospital, he capitulated entirely when, later, in an upper room of this house, he heard the story of some man whose experience closely tallied with his own. The expression on the faces of the women, that indefinable something in the eyes of the men, the stimulating and electric atmosphere of the place, conspired to let him know that here was haven at last." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 160)

So great a cloud
of witnesses,
saints preceding,
people of faith,
a crowd of witnesses
through ages and eons —
people who know the rigors of the path,
watching for us to
shed our baggage,
take off and run – or fly —
for the joy set before us,
for the promises,
the hope
pulling those
after us into
the cloud of witnesses.

Thank you, God, for saints
surrounding me with love.

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE®,
Copyright © 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995
by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Willing to Be Willing

Hebrews 11:7-10

It was by faith that Noah built a large boat to save his family from the flood. He obeyed God, who warned him about things that had never happened before. By his faith Noah condemned the rest of the world, and he received the righteousness that comes by faith.

It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going. And even when he reached the land God promised him, he lived there by faith – for he was like a foreigner, living in tents. And so did Isaac and Jacob, who inherited the same promise. Abraham was confidently looking forward to a city with eternal foundations, a city designed and built by God. (NLT)

"This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 62)

I don’t want to do that.
I really don’t want to do that.
Would you believe REALLY??
I asked her to sponsor me,
not to boss my life.
Isn’t there an easier, softer way?
No? Tried before?
I know. They call it faith.
They call it act as if.
They have what I want.
I want faith, I want recovery, I want serenity,
I want what they have.
I’ll do what they say to do
but I don’t have to want to,
do I?

God, I’m willing to be willing
to walk these Steps.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

God's Hands

Hebrews 10:26-31

If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (NIV)

“Of course he couldn't drink, but why not sit hopefully at a table, a bottle of ginger ale before him? After all, had he not been sober six months now? Perhaps he could handle, say, three drinks - no more! Fear gripped him. He was on thin ice. Again it was the old, insidious insanity - that first drink.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 154)

Dreadful to fall into God’s hands?
Isn’t a word missing – a not?
Dreadful to fall, not into the hands
of the living God —
anywhere but into his
will, into his hands.
If he doesn’t hold me,
catch me,
I glide
down the slide,
collapse
into relapse,
blaze into malaise.

Hold me, God,
let me rest in your cupped
comfortable
hands.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

The Hope We Possess

Hebrews 10:19-23

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (NIV)

“Our hope is that when this chip of a book is launched on the world tide of alcoholism, defeated drinkers will seize upon it, to follow its suggestions. Many, we are sure, will rise to their feet and march on. They will approach still other sick ones and fellowships of Alcoholics Anonymous may spring up in each city and hamlet, havens for those who must find a way out.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 153)

Our hope,
the hope we possess,
our expectation,
our desire,
a person or thing
that may save us.
Hope, for he who
promised is faithful;
hope for a book,
an idea,
a truth.
Hope for others to march on,
hope for a path
through the curtain,
through our uncertainty.
Hope. Eternal hope,
hope proven
by that which others
hoped for before.

Oh, God, our hope
in ages past,
our hope for years to come —
thank you.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Sixteen Tons

Hebrews 10:15-18

And the Holy Spirit also testifies that this is so. For he says,
“This is the new covenant I will make

with my people on that day, says the Lord:

I will put my laws in their hearts,

and I will write them on their minds.”
Then he says,
“I will never again remember

their sins and lawless deeds.”
And when sins have been forgiven, there is no need to offer any more sacrifices. (NLT)

“Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally, they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It’s water over the dam.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 70)

Gonna lay down my heavy load
down by the riverside,
amends made —
upfront and honest,
water over the dam.
Guilt has to have a greater density
than osmium, much less lead.
Heavier than a heavy heart,
weight piled on weight with heavy hand,
guilt crushes.
How delightful,
lighter than air,
to walk away from guilt,
leaving it with
lighthearted
heartfelt
amends.

For new life,
for release,
for lightness,
thank you, God.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Presently Progressing

Hebrews 10:11-14

Under the old covenant, the priest stands and ministers before the altar day after day, offering the same sacrifices again and again, which can never take away sins. But our High Priest offered himself to God as a single sacrifice for sins, good for all time. Then he sat down in the place of honor at God’s right hand. There he waits until his enemies are humbled and made a footstool under his feet. For by that one offering he forever made perfect those who are being made holy. (NLT)

“No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 60)

“Made perfect.”
Past tense.
“Being made holy.”
Present progressive.
The first 100 in AA
said they had recovered,
but claim spiritual progress,
not perfection.
I want to be made perfect.
But I resent the continuing efforts
to be made holy.
Can’t I have recovery on a silver platter?
Nope. Not if I want progress.
Not if I want to be made holy.

God, I disdain people
who don’t try to see to their needs,
to grow. In this,
I seek your help, your will,
to walk your path, not theirs.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

God's Will.

Hebrews 10:5-10

Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said: 

"Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, 

but a body you prepared for me; 

with burnt offerings and sin offerings 

you were not pleased.
Then I said, 'Here I am – it is written about me in the scroll —
I have come to do your will, O God.'
"First he said, "Sacrifices and offerings, burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not desire, nor were you pleased with them" (although the law required them to be made). Then he said, "Here I am, I have come to do your will." He sets aside the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all. (NIV)

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59)

God’s will.
God’s will, God’s will,
God’s will!
Te Deum.
Tedium.
Okay. But why the “only” —
I’ve a perfectly good will,
worked just fine for
most everything,
all but the compulsion.
God’s will for that,
mine for the rest!
Why NOT!?
Mine works.
It got me where I am.
Or where I was
when I stumbled into
the rooms of recovery.
Oops. Okay.
God’s will.

God, I’m here to help.
But I need help
to remember I’m here to help,
not to lead.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Special of the Day

Hebrews 10:1-4

The law is only a shadow of the good things that are coming – not the realities themselves. For this reason it can never, by the same sacrifices repeated endlessly year after year, make perfect those who draw near to worship. If it could, would they not have stopped being offered? For the worshipers would have been cleansed once for all, and would no longer have felt guilty for their sins. But those sacrifices are an annual reminder of sins, because it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins. (NIV)

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85)

Wake praying,
turning life and
living it over to God,
Move through the day
surrendering again then again.
Yesterday’s piety
counts for nothing,
commitments coming
tomorrow, next year,
fifty years out
count for nothing.
Today matters, just this day,
just this surrender,
just today’s willingness
and peace.

God, I’m an errant toddler
straying from safety,
forgetting the
peace of compliance,
of surrender. Show me.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Second Chance!

Hebrews 9:27-28

And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:

So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation. (KJV)

“He begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth, and he got it. In the doctor's judgment he was utterly hopeless; he could never regain his position in society and he would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. That was a great physician's opinion.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 26)

Hopelessly doomed.
Appointed to die,
physically maybe – preferably?
Socially certainly.
Loss of freedom, of self-respect,
of life worth living.
Sentenced to nullity
to nothingness.
Suddenly, sentence negated,
nunc pro tunc,
quashed.
Phoenix rising,
regeneration.
Hope survives,
soars,
exulting.

I was lost but now am found,
was blind but now I see.
My life is past, Lord.
This one’s all yours.

Constructive Action

Hebrews 9:23-26

It was necessary, then, for the copies of the heavenly things to be purified with these sacrifices, but the heavenly things themselves with better sacrifices than these. For Christ did not enter a man-made sanctuary that was only a copy of the true one; he entered heaven itself, now to appear for us in God's presence. Nor did he enter heaven to offer himself again and again, the way the high priest enters the Most Holy Place every year with blood that is not his own. Then Christ would have had to suffer many times since the creation of the world. But now he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to do away with sin by the sacrifice of himself. (NIV)

“But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 93)

Faith alone.
Yep, tried that.
Didn’t work so well.
And was it self-sacrifice
I lacked?
Unselfishness?
Constructive action?
I sacrificed myself for everybody,
trying to please, trying to win
affection.
Unselfishness? I had no self
exposed, had merged myself
in someone else,
his thoughts, his feeling,
his will.
Constructive action?
Certainly action.
But not unselfish, not other-centered —
not constructive.

God, reconstruct me
so I can find myself in self-sacrifice,
unselfishness, constructive action.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Forgive me?!

Hebrews 9:18-22

That is why even the first covenant was put into effect with the blood of an animal. For after Moses had read each of God’s commandments to all the people, he took the blood of calves and goats, along with water, and sprinkled both the book of God’s law and all the people, using hyssop branches and scarlet wool. Then he said, “This blood confirms the covenant God has made with you.” And in the same way, he sprinkled blood on the Tabernacle and on everything used for worship. In fact, according to the law of Moses, nearly everything was purified with blood. For without the shedding of blood, there is no forgiveness. (NLT)

“It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 77)

“Forgive us our sins
as we have forgiven those
who sin against us.”
I’d rather shed blood
than forgive sometimes —
my own, even, not the blood
of calves or goats.
In fact, I’d rather shed my blood
then kill – or hurt – calves or goats.
I feel so unworthy,
so low, so base
nothing could matter more than me.
Nobody could rank higher.
But this is about forgiveness —
how did I get here, to the ladder rungs?
Who’s sinned against me?
I have. I’ve dismissed me,
shunned me.
I forgive me.
I matter.

God, teach me to accept gifts —
yours, and others.
Teach me to reach out when I need help.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Vigorous Personal Housecleaning

Hebrews 9:14-15

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance—now that he has died as a ransom to set them free from the sins committed under the first covenant. (NIV)

“Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 98)

A personal housecleaning
ridding my life not just
of pesky clutter,
undone todo lists,
well-aged New Years Resolutions,
but of deadly stuff,
acid eating away
at my heart, at my lungs,
at my being.
Fear, hate, envy,
self-loathing,
if-onlys,
shattered shoulds,
fractured woulds,
the lethal stuff
I’ve hauled around
all these years.

Create in me a clean heart,
O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
and do not take Your holy spirit from me.^*

* Psalm 51:10-11 (KJV)

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

New Life

Hebrews9:9-10

This is an illustration for the present time, indicating that the gifts and sacrifices being offered were not able to clear the conscience of the worshiper. They are only a matter of food and drink and various ceremonial washings—external regulations applying until the time of the new order. (NIV)

“We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. What seemed at first a flimsy reed, has proved to be the loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us or, if you prefer, ‘a design for living’ that really works.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 28)

Easter.
New life, resurrection,
new birth,
a design for living that works!
Only looking back can I see how hard
I tried, how many ways I attempted
to claim sanity,
to heal myself.
My gifts, my sacrifices,
my determination
were only ceremonial,
just lame attempts
flimsy reeds.
Useful for seeing how great this is,
for relating to others still clinging
to flimsy reeds.

God, you sought me
when I was too busy to find you.
Thanks for the patience.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Still...

Hebrews 9:6-8

When everything had been arranged like this, the priests entered regularly into the outer room to carry on their ministry. But only the high priest entered the inner room, and that only once a year, and never without blood, which he offered for himself and for the sins the people had committed in ignorance. The Holy Spirit was showing by this that the way into the Most Holy Place had not yet been disclosed as long as the first tabernacle was still standing. (NIV)

“Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife’s hope.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 5)

Still: up to and including
the present time;
even now.
The time of hope
before the change,
before it comes,
before recovery.
Maranatha,
come, Lord Jesus.
Bring the change,
make it happen,
I crave recovery,
thirst for the change —
¡Ojalá que sí!

God, when I still don’t get it,
show me how to be still and seek it.

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Stuff

Hebrews 9:4-5

In that room were a gold incense altar and a wooden chest called the Ark of the Covenant, which was covered with gold on all sides. Inside the Ark were a gold jar containing manna, Aaron’s staff that sprouted leaves, and the stone tablets of the covenant. Above the Ark were the cherubim of divine glory, whose wings stretched out over the Ark’s cover, the place of atonement. But we cannot explain these things in detail now. (NLT)

Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 64)

Incense altar, Ark of the Covenant,
Aaron’s staff, manna,
Ten Commandments,
(first edition.)
Last year’s must-have
Christmas gift,
the gadget ready to
storm the market —
five years back,
the new electronic
masterpiece
that has them lined up
out the door.
Stuff. Just things,
though priceless or
out-of-date
discardables.
When things attain preeminence
it’s time to
set them all aside
without regret.

God, let me never put
anything ahead of
my need for a closer
relationship with you.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Faith Out of Fear

Hebrews 8:8-9

But God found fault with the people and said
     "The time is coming, declares the Lord, 

      when I will make a new covenant
     with the house of Israel 

       and with the house of Judah. 

It will not be like the covenant 

     I made with their forefathers 

when I took them by the hand 

       to lead them out of Egypt, 

     because they did not remain faithful to my covenant, 

       and I turned away from them, declares the Lord. (NIV)

“Did we not have confidence in our ability to think? What was that but a sort of faith? Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason. So, in one way or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time!

“We found, too, that we had been worshippers. What a state of mental goose-flesh that used to bring on! Had we not variously worshipped people, sentiment, things, money, and ourselves? And then, with a better motive, had we not worshipfully beheld the sunset, the sea, or a flower? Who of us had not loved something or somebody? How much did these feelings, these loves, these worships, have to do with pure reason? Little or nothing, we saw at last. Were not these things the tissue out of which our lives were constructed? Did not these feelings, after all, determine the course of our existence? It was impossible to say we had no capacity for faith, or love, or worship. In one form or another we had been living by faith and little else.

“Imagine life without faith!” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 54)

Faithful.
Full of faith.
Full of confidence
in someone, something.
Can fear survive
absent faith? Wouldn’t the void
be filled with resignation,
apathy, lethargy,
not fear?
Fear demands a counterweight,
a worthy opposite,
not some wimpy
void.
Maybe having so much fear
benefits,
makes faith easier to find,
builds capacity for faith.

God, can you really use the fear?
Is that why I have so much? Wow. Awesome!

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE,
NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica.
Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Curriculum

Hebrews 8:3-5

And since every high priest is required to offer gifts and sacrifices, our High Priest must make an offering, too. If he were here on earth, he would not even be a priest, since there already are priests who offer the gifts required by the law. They serve in a system of worship that is only a copy, a shadow of the real one in heaven. For when Moses was getting ready to build the Tabernacle, God gave him this warning: “Be sure that you make everything according to the pattern I have shown you here on the mountain.” (NLT)

My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 14)

Patterns,
rules,
recipes,
curriculum —
tough as heck for me
to follow – I can’t teach
a lesson plan I wrote myself!
Principles,
proposals,
suggestions,
Steps —
I want to follow, want to realize
the absolute necessity, the imperatives.
But I can’t teach
a lesson plan I wrote myself,
can’t cook with exactly the ingredients
written down.
I know I need to read, to listen, to accept, to surrender.
But that’s so tough.
I can’t teach my own curriculum.

God who made the pattern,
give me the fortitude to follow it!

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Amazing!

Hebrews 8:1-2

Here is the main point: We have a High Priest who sat down in the place of honor beside the throne of the majestic God in heaven. There he ministers in the heavenly Tabernacle, the true place of worship that was built by the Lord and not by human hands. (NLT)

“The wars which had been fought, the burnings and chicanery that religious dispute had facilitated, made me sick. I honestly doubted whether, on balance, the religions of mankind had done any good. Judging from what I had seen in Europe and since, the power of God in human affairs was negligible, the Brotherhood of Man a grim jest. If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 11)

Heaven – high above,
distant, apart, away.
The antithesis of Earth,
Nothing in common with wars,
burnings, chicanery.
Negligible connections.
Heaven – nothing to do
with life on Earth —
except everything!
What love, what grace
pulls even a thought
from perfection
to chicanery, to squalor,
to me?

Amazing grace,
how sweet the sound,
that saved a wretch like me!

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Until We Want Him Enough

(Note: I've been busy, have written several more, through the end of Hebrews 7. I haven't been conveniently able to post here, though, so instead of besieging you with a slew of posts, I'll skip them. And I'll tell you when they're published in a book.)

Hebrews 7:26-28

He is the kind of high priest we need because he is holy and blameless, unstained by sin. He has been set apart from sinners and has been given the highest place of honor in heaven. Unlike those other high priests, he does not need to offer sacrifices every day. They did this for their own sins first and then for the sins of the people. But Jesus did this once for all when he offered himself as the sacrifice for the people’s sins. The law appointed high priests who were limited by human weakness. But after the law was given, God appointed his Son with an oath, and his Son has been made the perfect High Priest forever. (NLT)

Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 12)

When we want him enough!?
How much more could I want him —
I begged, pleaded, bartered,
ranted, raged, rebelled,
ignored, cadged, beseeched,
supplicated,
pestered,
sacrificed for,
badmouthed —
I sought him every way I could.
It didn’t work.
Until pride and prejudice sloughed off,
until I wanted him badly enough
to give up.

God, show me so I can see,
touch me so I can feel,
love me until I believe.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Melchizedek? GUS? Shostakovich!

Hebrews 7:1-3

This Melchizedek was king of the city of Salem and also a priest of God Most High. When Abraham was returning home after winning a great battle against the kings, Melchizedek met him and blessed him. Then Abraham took a tenth of all he had captured in battle and gave it to Melchizedek. The name Melchizedek means “king of justice,” and king of Salem means “king of peace.” There is no record of his father or mother or any of his ancestors—no beginning or end to his life. He remains a priest forever, resembling the Son of God. (NLT)

“Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a Creative Intelligence, A Spirit of the Universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 46)

“Howard,” Howard be thy name,
“GUS,” guy upstairs,
“Charlie,”
“The Universe,”
“Mother Nature,
“The Great Spirit.”
Melchizedek?
Makes me think of the teacher
whose swear word was
Shostakovich, the Russian
composer.
A rose by any other name,
God is God,
either is or is not,
but is.
Salem. Jerusalem to us.
Holy is holy is holy.
We’re all walking on
holy ground.
Take off your shoes,
and get comfortable with
the power greater than all
power.

God of no beginning, no end,
no limits to power
or to love,
thank you for loving me!

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Rigorous Honesty

Hebrews 6:18-20

So God has given both his promise and his oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary. Jesus has already gone in there for us. He has become our eternal High Priest in the order of Melchizedek. (NLT)

“Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 65)

It’s impossible for God
to lie.
Well, I’m better at that than
God – if being able to is better
but it’s not. I know.
I’ve lived that life, lived that lie.
I don’t want to ever return there.
Honesty is the anchor,
the key to God’s inner sanctuary,
and I’m welcome there!
God wants my honesty,
my soul laid bare before him,
he knows my secrets,
loves me anyway,
and sends me people
who incarnate
such love.

God, make me honest with you,
with others,
and with myself.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.