An Overload of Hopelessness

What a way to turn a phrase! "An overload of hopelessness." It belongs to Peter G. Lindner, M.D., who also said:

• Submission implies no real acceptance of one's inadequacy; on the contrary, it demonstrates conclusively that the struggle is still going on. Submission is, at best, a superficial yielding, with the inner tensions still present. When the individual accepts, on an unconscious level, the reality of not being able to handle compulsive overeating, there is no residual battle. Relaxation ensues with a freedom from strain and conflict. This freedom is the aim of the OA groups, and complete surrender is manifested by the considerable degree of relaxation which is evident in the behavior of those who have achieved it.
• ...constructive action takes the place of skin-deep assurances that will merely comply temporarily until the memory of their suffering and self-pity weakens and the need for compliance lessens.
• Surrender, then, is an unconscious event.
• ...after all, it is our thoughts that precede our emotions, and it is our emotions that make us eat inappropriately and become physically obese. (all from Appendix B, Overeaters Anonymous, 2nd ed.)

A woman steeped in the wisdom of AA gave me a copy of Overeaters Anonymous, and I surprised myself by reading it--at least I read the stories. That was in December of 2006, and reading the stories softened me up and led me at that moment when I cried out for help, telling God, "This is stupid." It was kind of by way of saying grace over that last sweet roll and large vending machine cappuccino December 17, 2006, the day I found OA (or, I think, OA found me.) Now another kind woman, steeped in the wisdom of OA as well as AA, pointed out to me those pesky sections I hadn't bothered to read, not then, not ever until yesterday and today: The appendices. (I also read the Foreword, but I think I'd actually read it when I first got the book.)

Submission is superficial yielding; surrender yields a considerable degree of relaxation. I've written here on surrender before. (Surrender, among others.) But had I figured out what surrender means? Wasn't my surrendering in Step 1 conditional? I know it was. My first defined abstinence, (after the get-through-Christmas-and-New-Years-trip period) was pretty much a particular program, but I could take one bite of anything. I lost weight that way, felt righteous and yet not "deprived." When I got a new sponsor six months later she said give up sugar, and I did. Pretty much. Almost completely. The one bites were REALLY exceptional. Then there was the hard candy. But not much. Surrender? No, that was submission. My idea of years in OA at my ideal weight were always going back to eating a bite of anything I wanted to. Certainly the struggle, subdued though it's been, persisted.

I am part of the "we." We admitted we were powerless over food. I admit it. That's the part I glossed over. Admitting my life was unmanageable? Easy. I think. We'll see how long that conviction stands. No sugar today. None yesterday. Gosh, God, do you really mean no more dates as long as they have the sprinkles of sugar?

And how do you plan an unconscious event?