OAStepper

Consider Romans 7:21-25.

I started this blog September 1, 2007 struggling with my addiction to computer games. I conquered it, not with my willpower, for I'd tried that many times before but with the help of God and the support of many of you, individually and through email. I did conquer it. Yet it didn't stay conquered. I don' t know when I started again. It was absolutely gradual. Probably a bit at a time beginning in February, and lately it's been out of control. So here I am again. Woe is me! That which I would do, I do not. That which I would not do, I do! I am powerless over mindless computer games, and my life has become unmanageable. I know full well God's capable of remedying the situation, restoring my sanity. And he'll have to do it again, for I'm just as helpless as I was on August 31.

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. (AA Big Book, 7th step prayer

Insidious. Cunning, scheming, conniving defects. What? You say the computer game habit has no motives? What? Would you prefer I play Flip Wilson and say, "The Devil made me do it?" That would be an easy out, exonerating me. Nope. I did it. By not trusting, not looking forward, not actually listening to God when he told me his will for my life this day and countless (okay, something like 45) days before this. He gave me the power to carry out his will. I know, for I asked for it each day. Then he proffered it and I turned it down.

Why? What's the fascination in computer games? WHY WHY WHY????

Let me count the ways:

1. When I play sudoku the mental challenge changes with each game, but they're always different, and they intrigue me.
2. The button is so easy to push to pull up one more game, even though I vowed every one for seventeen before that one it was the last game.
3. I don't have to feel feelings when I'm playing sudoku.
4. I don't have to interact with people.
5. I don't have to become what I can become.
6. Becoming what I could become scares the begeebies out of me.
7. I stuck my head out of the shell and it got shat upon. I don't like getting shat upon.
8. Hey, it's harmless. It doesn't put the pounds back on even though I'm not being "responsible."
9. So why does a baby suck a pacifier? It's the same reason. It feels good.
10. People still think I'm "good." What do they know?
11. I sit here trying to answer the question. You wanna know what my instinct is? Go play some sudoku and the answer will appear. But it doesn't. I've tried. I lose myself, my time, my mind, my self-respect, my emotional abstinence. And while when I finally quit I usually can answer the question, I could have done it much more quickly without the hours of distraction.
12. I've always thought hell is floating around on a cloud all day with a harp for ever and ever and ever. How dull and boring can it be? How dull and boring can sudoku be? I'm sending myself to hell every time I click the new game button.

Enough. Enough reasons, enough excuses, enough sudoku. And no, I don't get to substitute minesweeper, freecell, yubotu, or--tiddlywinks. Enough games. Enough fear--that's what procrastination is, chronic low-intensity fear. Enough. I played by last game--when did I start this post? Maybe 15 minutes ago. And that's the last game of sudoku ever. I may have to keep eating so I can't swear off food, but I can swear off stupid computer games. And I do. So help me God.

I'll be back tomorrow with a true and accurate report of my sudoku abstinence--and my food abstinence since that was slipping as well.

Today's food report:

• 2 eggs, 50 cal. bread, 1 oz. cheese, liquid protein supplement.
• lettuce, cherry tomatoes, several kinds of fresh fruit, and 1/4 cup cottage cheese, brisket which is not on my food plan, and a veggie casserole which had corn and a sauce not on the food plan. That was the best I could do in the setting, a service club buffet.
• a liquid supplement.

That's it so far. Yeah. More than you wanted to know. Before I come back here I will have: (wait a minute. I may need to blog instead of playing sudoku. Before this time tomorrow)

• read what I wrote a long time ago in a novel dealing with overcoming evil (with the purpose of finishing the darned thing.)
• edited at least 50 pages of the book I've got on my computer that I'm editing.
• worked in either the junk room or the storage building for at least 30 minutes.
• Written a letter that I decided to write but it intimidates me.
• Writing another letter and sending a gift by way of making amends, then calling the person.
• Making a phone call or sending an email volunteering to speak at an OA meeting where they need speakers.
• Fixing two websites, small issues that need to be repaired.

I won't put more than that, but I probably will do more than that. I won't do sudoku or any other game, and I won't eat sugar, won't have dates after supper, won't have yogurt in my supplement pudding. This is too private for the tone of this blog, and I apologize. But I need you now, and by tolerating me, maybe I can be of service to you better soon.