Friday, April 1, 2011

Testing the Promises

Obviously there are lots more promises in the Big Book than those on pages 83-84. But tonight I was listening to tapes I made on an OA cruise (The tapes will be available soon on the Region III website.) and one of the pitches included a statement the speaker wanted to stay in OA long enough for all the promises to come true. I'm glad I listened. I've heard the speakers - live - and worked with the tapes a while, but this was the first time that one grabbed me.

So, which if the promises have come true for me so far?
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Alcoholics Anonymous, pages 83-84)
  • Amazed? Yes. I'm amazed at the changes made in me during the last four years, three and a half months.
  • A new freedom? Certainly I'm more free. I'm doing what I want to be doing, excited about life, loving every day I go to the office - or somewhere else to pursue my passion.
  • A new happiness? Hum. My sister posted on a photo album I put up of a recent trip where I dared to do (the cruise I've told you about): "Who is THIS, and what have you done with my sister? I'm so proud of you and all you have accomplished!" Yes, I'm certainly filled with a new happiness - but there's more room to top it off. I had a day this week filled to the brim with resentment and longing.
  • Regret the past? Well, I regret not getting to OA until I was virtually 60. But I also understand the past made me what I am, gave me the background to help others get here quicker, find sanity earlier. My pain empowers me, my liberation enables me to unshackle others - or, more accurately, to show them how to free themselves. So I don't wish to shut the door on the past.
  • I comprehend serenity. I can't hold onto it, but I've had it for brief moments, and they're growing longer and fuller and more enveloping.
  • Do I know peace? No. I sense it. I've tasted it, waded in it, but I've yet to become immersed in it.
  • "No matter how far down the scale we've gone..." This one always makes me smile, at least inside, when used in the context of OA. I know what it means. But we of OA have lived and died by the scale all our lives, and going down the scale is what most of us wanted when we came into OA. That's not what it means. But it's still how I read it, so I guess this one isn't played out in my life yet. The "scale" is still too important to me, not something I can assume is God's business and not mine.
  • The sense of uselessness and self-pity will disappear? More so than before. Getting there.
  • Self-seeking will slip away. Hum. My sponsor told me for someone like me, a people pleaser, a self-denier, a low-self-esteem co-dependent, the question "Where was I selfish?" means "Selfish in this context is not the negative monster we fear as a label. What did I want from this person, institution, or principle? How did I feel deprived or hurt? Write what you wanted or needed in the situation." And self-seeking was the behavior I did to get what I wanted. I'm still struggling with this, still giving my self away, failing to hold on to what I need for me. This one is easing but far from achieved.
  • Lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows? I'm finding a community who understands me, and I am interested in them and love them and would do anything for them.
  • Reading through the rest, I see the same pattern. I'm progressing, but the path is not finished. I'm in for the long haul. Thank God!

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