Struggling

I wrote this yesterday for a woman I sponsor who was struggling. The only problem was, I had a tough day yesterday as well, back into the computer games I had licked--which obviously I have them no more conquered than I do the food. I ate too much cheese yesterday, then to top off the day I had a package of sugar-free pudding mix with 2/3 cup dry milk and the rest of the dates in the bag... none of which is even on my food plan much less that it was at a stupid time of day for eating. But I was struggling, like my friend. And here's what we both needed to hear last night:

1. I admitted I was powerless over food, that my life had become unmanageable, that I was tired of struggling to manage it.
2. I came to believe that the God I'd always known and trusted with everything but the parts of my life that shamed me, that embarrassed me, that seemed like I was a disappointment to him could restore me to sanity even in this area of my life.
3. I made a decision to TURN MY WILL and my LIFE over to God's care, to quit struggling to do it on my own.
4. Then I did what I could to clear my junk out of the rubble so he would have room to operate. I looked carefully at just what mess was in the way.
5. I admitted it to God and to another human being, embarrassing though it might be, and I felt it actually quite freeing, letting go, quitting trying to hide, to be in charge, to cover up, to look good.
6. I took another look at the disaster I'd made and shrugged my shoulders and said God could have it, nothing I'd spent all those years trying to make better, patch, fluff up were worth anything to me at all.
7. I told God he was welcome to any of it, all of it, just let me free from the burden of carrying it.
8. I looked around at the helpless victims of my arrogance to see what harm my pride had brought them.
9. When it didn't hurt anything (but my pride) I did what little I could do to patch things up.
10. I didn't let things get back into my old patterns, kept giving it over to God.
11. I stopped and talked to God and LISTENED to see what he wanted to do with my life and asked for the power to be what help I could.
12. I shared the good news with everybody I could find who would listen!
    
    Give up the struggle. But don't give up the path, the steps.

Is Gullible a Character Defect?

Gullible. Easily duped. Easily taken in. Unworldly. Stupid. Foolish. Trustful. Unsuspecting. Gullible. Is it a character defect? Maybe it depends on what your IQ is. Reckon?

Galatians 3:2-5 and I Chronicles 21:8.

Yeah. Gullibility is a character defect. And I own it. One of the mp3 AA speakers I listen to at night talks about realizing one year that the financial portfolios he managed for other people all did substantially better than his own. On analysis he realized he did things with his money that he wouldn't think of letting his clients do, for he was an expert and understood it. Yeah. And I can and do write contracts for other people, just forget to do it for me. I insist on clear terms for other people. I read people well in situations where I have no stake, almost instantly and with an accuracy that jolts me sometimes. Then I put my own faith in people I've been warned about because I "know them." Or at least I believe I do, and hey, I'm an intelligent woman, and it benefits me. I won't get burned. No. I won't. "Get burned" is passive. It seems that instead, I actively burn myself. Or I did.

So what's the opposite of gullible? If we are to practice the opposite of our character traits to fill the void when God removes them, what's the opposite of this one? Sophisticated? Wary? Suggestions include astute, discerning, knowledgeable, perceptive, suspicious, unbelieving, untrusting, wise and shrewd. Maybe the best is skeptical. No. It's perceptive. That's what I need to practice. That and prayer. And I've languished way too long without an effective sponsor. I need a sponsor. And that's my assignment to myself. Thanks for listening.

Betrayal

Consider Genesis 50:19-21. 

Joseph, sold into slavery, imprisoned, isolated and living by his wits remained true to God. As a result, God led him to interpret dreams and thus to be placed in an extremely high position within Egypt. And his brothers appeared. Had he wanted them hurt, humiliated, humbled that was easily within his power. Instead, he sent them home to bring his full brother. Then, seeing they had really changed and didn't return with lies but having actually been honest with their father, he forgave and embraced them. I wonder if he could have done that the day after they sold him into slavery.

I sit here betrayed. I have been wronged, financially, emotionally, psychically, physically. I have been robbed of time, money, talent, I have been betrayed. By a friend. A "sister." And in wronging me she wronged my other friends who trusted her on my recommendation. She betrayed us all. 

We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. (AA Big Book, pp. 66-67)

I know what the Big Book says. I am familiar with Emmet Fox's discourse on the absolute need for us to forgive "our trespassers as we forgive those who trespass against us." He talks about the fact a person with a resentment is tied to the person they resent, that to hold another person prison, the jailer, like the jailed, is confined and loses freedom. I know the right course, and even when this happened, when I became aware of it three hours ago, I knew the answer and the rage that was to be expected didn't happen. My counselor has told me the woman is jealous of my recovery, that she can't deal with being as near to me as she was in this situation where she backed out then stabbed me in the back. Gee, it would have been nice to know that before the fact. Sigh.

I can come close to managing forgiveness now, and I know it will come completely. The freedom from resentment, too. But where does it stop being retribution to keep from getting stabbed again? I don't have to trust her again. I don't have to share my confidences. Is it wrong to protect my partners who were also wronged by seeing legal damages? I don't know. I don't think so. But I don't know. God help us. God bless us every one.

Thanks for being out there, being my supportive community. Bless you.

Fear is a Snake in the Grass--or Garage

Consider Psalms 34:4.

We bought our first house the summer of 1976 and moved from there in March of 1979. That's as near as I can come to dating the story I tell. My husband came to me, agitated, afraid. He told me there was a snake in the entryway. I went to look, but didn't see it. He insisted and got near enough to show it to me. I hadn't seen it because the animal, not more than ten inches long and the breadth of a lead pencil, rested on the metal right beside the screen door. But this had hit on my husband's fear, and it was up to me to take care of the matter. I did. I don't remember how, probably with a broom and sending him flying toward the grass. That was the first, but far from the last. 

It's not that I'm not afraid of snakes. My heart is still racing from the last snake story I'll tell today, but my fear is trumped by my husband's. For years, the problem wasn't mine. We raised two boys. More explicitly, we raised two Boy Scouts, both members of the Order of the Arrow. Each of them spent time in summers working as staff at the nearest scout camp, and each was in turn the nature expert there. They got their herpetology merit badges--but not at OUR house! I think the younger was in middle school the last time I dealt with a snake--or was around when one was dealt with. Until today. That snake wasn't a great deal longer than the first--maybe two feet at the most. And son proudly had him in an old box from the garage, one I had painted in the 60's for hubby when we were students. It was an old cigar box. 

I went out of town a couple years ago, and husband found one at the back door. He called animal control. I kid you not. The snake had vanished by the time they got there, and after looking around and I think kidding him some (or a lot) they left. He was still wishing when I returned home he'd had the presence of mind to turn a bucket over it so they could have removed the offending presence.

A few minutes ago we were in the kitchen. I picked up a stack of orange peels and coffee grounds to take to the compost pile. I stepped out the door into the garage, took three steps, and turned back around. "There's a three foot snake on the driveway. What do you want me to do?"

"I didn't want to know that." 

Yeah. Like I didn't know that. I started back out.

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to put a bucket over it. I'm willing to do that much."

"Aren't you going to put some shoes on?"

I laid down the laundry basket and went in search of shoes. Wearing the heels I'd removed after coming back from the church this morning, basket in hand, I headed back out. To an empty garage. I came back in and reported the snake was gone.

"Where did it go?"

"I don't know. I didn't see it under my car."

"Where was it?"

"Right at the edge of the garage and the driveway." I picked up the peels and grounds and took them out, scanning the garage and adjacent hedge a little better. Nothing. Neither husband nor I am comfortable with the result. 

Notice that the word "fear" is bracketed…. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it…. Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.

…. We never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.

AA Big Book, Chapter 5

I saw a joke this week, saying that there are 4000 species of snakes and 3998 of them live in Texas. Or something like that. Snakes are no big deal, and this wasn't a rattler and certainly wasn't a water moccasin or some such. I don't know the names of other poisonous snakes, but I think this one was innocuous. 

But the fear was real. And other things I've always feared aren't as innocuous. I have a new project and need it to be a financial success, for a lot of reasons. For me it's a matter of pride. But others are involved, and it needs to succeed for a lot of reasons. Yesterday I went against my grain and flat out asked my friends to help make it a success. There are others things I'll need to do this week for that purpose. And as long as I'm doing my best to understand God's will for my life each day and asking for the power to carry it out, I can confront the fears one at a time, outgrowing them and watching God reveal what plans he has for me, how far my comfort level actually can expand. I know, though, he won't quit, that he'll keep me pushing back the comfort level, outgrowing my fears. Thank God!

---------

What would happen if you outgrew your fears?

Is God at Fault for Not Giving Me Abstinence?

A woman says struggling for abstinence says, "I just seem to be struggling so much and this morning my mind kept wondering if I was confused about the program. I keep thinking that I truly believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and I thought I had turned my life and will over to that HP."

My response would be, "Your questions, of course, are tough to answer, but I'll try. First, let me say don't give up. Give the steps a chance. Each week do your work on the WTS, and keep it up. You can't control your food, but God can. That's too simple, though, so let me just work through your comments then add some of my own.

"I just seem to be struggling so much and this morning my mind kept wondering if I was confused about the program. I keep thinking that I truly believe a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and I thought I had turned my life and will over to that HP."

"I think you've got steps one and two done, though I do want you to read chapter 4 of the AA Big Book, 'We Agnostics.' Don't let the name throw you off. It's not valuable only to agnostics, but it's absolutely the best description I've ever seen of who God is and how he relates to us. So read it, and stop and answer the questions that it asks."

"The problem becomes I keep thinking that when I ask God for help I'm not receiving that help. Does it then become God's responsibility that I cannot control my eating? Have I not truly surrendered myself to God? Am I asking and praying for help in the wrong way? If I truly surrender to God should it then become easy to say 'No' to my cravings?"

"There are plenty of people who try hard in OA for a good while without finding abstinence. But if they keep coming back with an open mind and, more important, an open heart or if they're just WILLING to have and open mind and an open heart, then eventually the find the magic of the program.

"I'd like you to click on this link, which downloads an audio file, and listen to it. The part I'm thinking about particularly is near the end of the tape, but it's a fun tape to hear, and it won't hurt anything. http://xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php?action=file&id=661

What it's going to say is don't ask God to DO anything. That's your taking over the direction, the steering wheel. You're trying to make the mistake of that old bumper sticker, "God is my co-pilot." That's NOT the way it should go. He deserves to be in the drivers seat. What you pray in the 3rd step prayer is this:

God, I offer myself to Thee -- to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

THEN it says: (ironically)

We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him.

But look at the prayer. You're not telling him to do anything. You're offering yourself to HIS control. He can do what he wants--build with you, do as he pleases. You don't ask to be removed from the bondage of food but from the bondage of SELF. that means get the heck out of the way. You ask him to take away your difficulties, yes, but why? SO IT HELPS OTHER PEOPLE! All you specifically ask is "May I do your will always."

The 7th step prayer says:

When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen."

You are there asking that he take away your defects of character, whether they be overeating or over-TV-ing. But way? He's to take away those character defects which stand in the way of your usefulness to him and other people. You do ask for strength for yourself---to do HIS bidding. Not to control you food, but to do what you know he wants you to do.

When we get to the 11th step, our daily prayer is...

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought- life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

When Bill W wrote the AA 12 and 12 he got even more specific. Read it on page 102. He says lots of good stuff, including this sentences: "Our immediate temptation will be to ask for specific solutions to specific problems, and for the ability to help other people as we have already thought they should be helped. In that case, we are asking God to do it our way." He says all we need do is ask for the knowledge of God's will and the grace by which we may carry it out."

Grace. That word. unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification b: a virtue coming from God c: a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace

A free gift. Gift. Not wages, a gift.

Ask to know God's will for your life and to be given the power to carry it out. Don't worry about the food. Now, don't take control and eat what you want to. Follow to the best of your ability knowing you do not have the ability the course of conduct you believe God's leading you in. And listen constantly in case you're wrong. And the abstinence will come. Promise.

Where do you live?

I've been convicted lately of a need to improve communication/cohabitation/courtesy in my long-standing marriage. How do you do that after 34 years of marriage and 8 more of dating? That's the burden I've been wrestling with--where to grab hold. I woke as I do most mornings listening to MP3's and the one playing was Mary Pearl on using the traditions as a guide to marriage and relationships. Great ideas, and I'll listen to them awake and take notes, but she's too far advanced for me at this point. 

Hubby was up at 6:30 and fixing his breakfast. I went in and cleaned the kitchen, which he'd already straightened. I've thought hard about our conversation yesterday before I bought a new car. He asked if I knew the trade-in value of mine and I was looking it up, declared it in fair condition which I thought was being honest, and in the conversation told him I haven't been willing to trust it for two months to leave town in. We talked about what was wrong, agreeing it probably wasn't running on all the cylinders. I know there are other problems with the car I've dealt with silently for the last year and still haven't told him. The other things I haven't told him loom large, and I will do that today--after I do my part in the Income Tax preparation annual nightmare. It's really not the nightmare it used to be, but I still live in dread of the time. I digress. After I ate breakfast I went into the bedroom for meditation, not to break the day by day continuous string of, let's see... Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday--the fifth day. 

I don't know how to meditate. I've told you that here before. But I figure you don't learn until you start. So I've decided to read a random page from the Big Book, the daily For Today meditation, and a random page from As Bill Sees It. Wouldn't you know, the page I opened to today was the chart for the 4th step? And the devotional dealt with anger and the courage to express it, the tools of writing about it or discussing it with someone then forgiving myself. Bill clinched it with "Giving without Demand." He says our lives are made richer by giving without any expectation of return. Next, at the suggestion of a mentor, I take a prayer and use it for meditation. In this process I'll memorize more prayers, but I'm at the beginning. I've been using the serenity prayer, but yesterday and today I've used the Lord's Prayer. "Our Father, who art in heaven...." That was enough. I finished the prayer, but only after realizing the significance of heaven.

For years, when my husband told me to go to Hell, my automatic response was "I live there." But I don't. I live in Heaven. Heaven is with God/Jesus/the Holy Spirit and Jesus told us he's with us until the end of the world, as are the other two persons of the trinity. I live in Heaven. And if I treat the other denizens of Heaven like that's what they are, that's better than assuming that together we make up Hell! Thank GOD!

Where do you live? 

Consider the Birds

Read Luke 12:24.

I just returned from a busy trip to the Iberian peninsula. To see Roman ruins--and remains of even earlier times--amazes and astounds, and the fact I was there for Holy Week absolutely took my breath away. It truly was an amazing spiritual experience. Yet, as a part of a tour group, meeting deadlines, eating strange food, communicating in languages where to say I'm rusty is a major brag--I've never really been competent in Spanish and speak no Portuguese---Anyway, spiritual or not, staying on program wasn't as easy as here at home. 

One thing helped, though. The morning before I left, I was surprised to have some free time. Instead of using it for the last minute things on the endless list, I accepted the gift and went to a small lake near my home. There I watched a swan and some sandpipers and lots of other birds. I remembered a friend of mine--the one who told me a bird I had been watching and photographing was a sandpiper. She loved birds, and she stood at my kitchen window once and named something like 18 birds, lots of kinds I'd never heard of! And she was identifying them under my pear tree, eating the old pears and the seed I'd put out in her honor. Knowing her, I came to know birds, at least a little. Actually, I still don't know them, but I see them. They're everywhere. And as I sat there in the car, meditating when I had no time or energy for meditation, I realized that God is like the birds. He's always around him, though before OA I wasn't aware of him much. And I made the jump to the thought that God is like the birds, there whether I'm aware or not. 

That knowledge stood up well to the tumult of travel. In tense times, when I was tired, as we drove along, I saw the birds. And each time I thought, "God is here." His peace and serenity came with me, flew over me, pecked at the seeds and insects a few feet from my own feet. And I found myself photographing birds as well as roman ruins, earnestly seeking the storks and snapping the wren at the little cafe in Puerto Lapice. Pigeons fretted with me when the guide was late in taking us to our appointed entry into Alhambra. God was there. 

God is always with us. We just need to trigger our recognition until the recognition becomes as constant as the birds all about.