In the clutches....

"Serially obsessive." That's how I've described myself for years. The obsessions varied over the years, including genealogy, medieval history, knitting, crewel embroidery, counted cross stitch, refinishing furniture, writing a macro in Word that would have generated a long involved court order with MANY variables but actually resulted in killing at least two hard drives, teaching myself html coding, photography, the history of women in my profession, crossword puzzles and, alas, computer games. The computer games have varied over the years beginning way back when we got an old TI-99A4 computer for the boys and I taught myself to get through all the levels of the original Mario Brothers game. Lately they've been sudoku, Yubotu, and word drop. But they're insidious.

 

I admitted another compulsion that came into my mind with clarity on December 17, 2006, that being the obsession with food, with compulsive eating. It's not serial. It's parallel with all the rest all the time forever. Computer games and compulsive eating. Totally different animals. But it's the same illness, and when one rears its head, its sister accompanies. I have not played a computer game today. I have not eaten compulsively today. I will not play a computer game today, with God's help. I will not eat outside my food plan today, but that's impossible on my own strength.

 

How good can you be? More specifically, what level of achievement is permissible for you? What's the picture of the pinnacle of success for you? The Nobel Prize? An Oscar? A New York Times Best Seller? Establishing a Fortune 500 business? Election to the Senate? Amassing a hundred million dollars? What's the top?

 

Is it okay for you to get to the top? That's the question that set me back, that started my almost intentional procrastination--chronic low-intensity fear. My actual answer is easy. No. It's not okay for me to get to the top. Of course that begs the hard one, WHY!!?? Simple answer? You might see me.

 

That's ludicrous. I'm a public figure. I give speeches, take a leadership role in most things I participate in, stick myself out for you to see. How can the answer be "you might see me?" Expectations. I was raised with high expectations, the duty to be educated, to be a professional, to be a leader. And I've achieved that. Yet the achievements match or reflect those of most members of the family. What if I let go and lose control? What if I chance to reach one of those superlatives? OR HIGHER! Ouch! That's terrifying. Harrowing. Paralyzing.

 

Yeah. Paralyzing. If I stay here, if I fall backward, if I wander around on the same plateau, you won't look at me. But if I really let go and let God have control of my life? What if he reached my wildest dreams for me? My wildest dreams are nightmares of embarrassment, of being in the limelight. Help!

 

Tomorrow's Yesterday

 

It's more comfortable to sit in a corner

than to sort out a meaningful path,
to stay in stasis at yesterday.

I meant for my life to matter,
I yearn for difference tomorrow
though comfort means to sit around.

 

How boring - though safe - to sit around,
sucking my thumb, a tot in a corner
hiding from fear of tomorrow,
fear of the forks in the path
but heck, does it really matter
whether I fear the unknown or yesterday?

 

How soothing is the fiend yesterday?
Resentments dance with shoulds around
oughts and regrets. A trivial matter
lurks there for years, leaping from a corner
into my way, blocking the well-chosen path
to imagined triumphs and honor tomorrow.

 

What if I fall on my face, humbled tomorrow
as I have been these countless haunting yesterdays?
Does nobility, courage of the chosen path
shine brightly, or does disaster peek at me around
another inevitable blind corner -
ubiquitous "theys" say only todays matter.

 

I could have been a contender. I could matter
in grand schemes of the history of tomorrow.
Does fame - or infamy - lurk around that corner?
When I look at the future as another yesterday
will it seem to have changed for I was around?
Will admiration trace my innovative path?

 

Like Merlin, God lives backwards, the path
clear from one end as the other, matters'
meanings unmuddled. He turns around
and surveys, satisfied, countless tomorrows
and the coming versions of yesterday
laid out clearly, unblocked by turns and corners.

 

God's present, around as I ponder each path

knowing what a corner may hide. It doesn't matter

I can't see tomorrow. It's my God's yesterday. 

My usefullness to my fellows...

Consider Acts 2:42-47. 

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends--this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 89)

Fellowship. The three definitions you'll usually find include a group of people, like an association; the position in a university; and the one that I want to talk about. It seems oddly appropirate that the Big Book talks so much of our fellows. Of course it's an old-fashioned (and not politically correct) term to talk of friends or associates, but it emphasizes that aspect that's so hard to actually define. One attempt is "a feeling of friendship that people have when they are talking or doing something together and sharing their experiences." Another is "the companionship of individuals in a congenial atmosphere and on equal terms." (American Heritage® Dictionary) Yes equal terms, captain's table and steerage, all together.

This has been a draft on my computer for at least three days, to the extent when I opened it last night I wasn't sure where I had intended to go with it, what I was reading when I started it. I have remembered. Duh. It was that passage of the Big Book quoted at the top. But this morning I know where it's now going. I go through long spells when I tend to write books more than read them, but recently I've read (in the last five or so months) maybe ten novels for the heck of it. I picked up one at the grocery the other day. When I read the back cover blurb I knew I ought to put it down. It was a romance rather than the mysteries I normally gravitate to, but it still intrigued me and I bought it, and have read it in bits and snatches. This morning I read what I was supposed to read when I felt drawn to it. The book is Kay Hooper's If There Be Dragons and the passage is:

Brooke, who'd seen quite a few psychologists and parapsychologists in her time, knew what that was called: psychological visibility. It as a basic need of human beings, according to the theory, to be clearly seen by at least one other person.  

Exactly! That's what fellowship means. In the way I've been trying to grab hold of the word. That's the "Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous, welcome home!" line in it's depth of meaning. Finally after all these years, it's okay at OA to be clearly seen by not just one but lots of other people because in the most embarrassing and heart-wrenching way, they're just like us!

Hey, my fellows, thanks!

Salvation is home?

Reading this morning from the stories in the Big Book, I found this wonderful quote:

There is another meaning for the Hebrew word that in the King James version of the Bible is translated "salvation." It is: "to come home." I had found my salvation. I wasn't alone anymore. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, page 206)

What a two week marathon I've had! I took my "home" with me in the form of literature and the constant presence of God, my new affirmation and prayer being simply, "I trust you." But now I'm physically home and with no unusual meetings scheduled this week, just sitting here dog and laptop in my lap, ready to get dressed and get to church. But I'm home, safe, saved, content, serene. And it's time to clean house. Those bushes outside, the patio, the cobwebs around the garage entrance... Yes, but more than that back to step work and diligently working on growing in this marvelous program.

Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. Welcome home!

An ordinary day.

Consider Luke 9:23.

Take up your cross daily. And follow Jesus. 

Can you get bored carrying a cross? Sometimes it's exhilarating, being with the Master in the midst of adoring crowds. Sometimes it's terrifying. Sometimes it's wearying. Sometimes it's just plain heavy. And boring. Day after day after day. And we of the addictive personalities don't enjoy boredom. After Step Eleven the Big Book predicts:  

We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Some of that sounds very good--less fear, less anger, less worry, relief from self-pity and the self-loathing that follows foolish decisions. But it starts out with excitement. Do we really want to be free of excitement? Isn't freedom from excitement boredom?

It's been a good week. I've been busy. VERY busy. In non-job related situations I've spoken in public eight times, to audiences probably averaging more than 30 people, and on four totally unrelated subjects with audiences from 5th graders to writers to Toastmasters. I've been featured in the local paper twice and my name mentioned several more times. How can I be sitting here writing about boredom? Well, the week is over. I'm through, with no such outside-the-norm events scheduled next week. And looking at a week of less excitement. 

Excitement: A feeling of great enthusiasm and eagerness. Take it another level, and the definition of enthusiasm comes back to eagerness. And that says wanting to have or do something very much. And that sounds like addictive behavior to me. Let's see what else the Big Book promises as a result of living the life the steps direct:

• amazed
• new freedom
• new happiness
• feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear
• our attitude and outlook will change
• other pretty fun stuff. 

Sounds good. And not boring. Maybe the opposite of excitement isn't boring. 

Look at that quote from after Step Eleven. It doesn't stop with no more excitement. It says we're not so easily tired because we're not wasting energy worrying about staging our lives. You know what no more excitement means? It means energy. It means being energized, not being bored. Okay. I can deal with that. And I'm ready. I was feeling pretty tired, but it's gone. I'm not excited any more.... Oops. I'm not bored any more.

Thank God!

Whatsoever!

Consider Proverbs 23:7.

As I traveled the other day, I listened to Chuck C, the tapes from which the book A New Pair of Glasses was compiled. He said, "We think and ourselves become that which we think about." I realized the truth inherent in the statement--and that he was far from the first to have said it. King James Version says, "For as he thinketh in his heart so is he." 

I've struggled with the concept of "recovered" or "recovering" or simply, "I'm a compulsive overeater." I've shied away from "recovering" and would feel like a fraud to use recovered, but I'm well aware the Big Book says they're 100 "recovered" alcoholics. I still protest alcohol has to be easier to recover from than food, but that's part of what I'm talking about, the point I'm aiming at (and not hitting very well it seems.) But am I reinforcing failure by saying I'm a compulsive overeater? Does the suggestion or assertion of saying I'm recovering become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know this program isn't about mind games. But I also know I can use mind games to cripple the program, and I think I'm doing that. 

I once got license plates that could have caused officers to be more diffident about enforcing speeding violations. I found they worked. I didn't drive that fast with the fact I was an official proclaimed on my license plates. They did become a good way to keep from getting tickets--because my behavior justified it. (I'd gotten only one in 40+ years of driving at the time, so it wasn't really a huge issue.) 

Another AA speaker, Patti O, says, "Rationalization, justification, and denial. When I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it, and when I'm hearing it I'm believing it." So, does it work the right way as well as the wrong way? We'll see. Hello, I'm OAStepper and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

Self Serving is Not Selfish

Consider Matthew 7:3-5.

My Mac computer's internal dictionary defines self-serving thus:

Having concern for one's own welfare and interests before those of others : public accountability is replaced by self-serving propaganda

While the definition doesn't shout disapproval, the exemplar of use certainly does. We almost mentally equate self-serving and hypocritical. Or at least I do. That's the disease, my putting my thoughts in your mind. Sorry. But Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount wasn't saying not to talk to the fellow about the grain of sand in his eye; he just said see to yourself first, heal thyself! That was a proverb in Jesus' time, one he knew and quoted, because he figured the people there in Capernaum were thinking it. Unlike me, though, Jesus didn't need to heal himself first. I do.

We do. Look at the Twelfth Step. "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...." We can't give it away if we don't have it. Chapter 8 says:

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success.... Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 98)

Clean house? That doesn't mean cleaning somebody else's house. It means we clean our own. In a 1966 letter Bill W says:

Well, any theologian will tell you that the salvation of his own soul is the highest vocation that a man can have. Without salvation -- however we may define this -- he will have little or nothing. For us of A.A., there is even more urgency....

We are of no value to anyone, including ourselves, until we find salvation from alcohol. Therefore, our own recovery and spiritual growth have to come first -- a right and necessary kind of self-concern. (As Bill Sees It, page 81)  

But I'm supposed to give service. We're told anytime anybody asks us to do something in program the answer should be yes. Yes. I'm supposed to give service. It's a basic premise of the program, that the way I keep my recovery is by giving it away. But even more basic than that premise are those that say I admit powerlessness, believe God can restore me to sanity, decide to ask him for sanity, look at my life, my character, my patterns of behavior, admit those to another, become ready to change that character where it's defective, ask for the change, identify others I've hurt and fix that then keep doing that and keep doing that and keep doing that AND do service. So yes, I'm supposed to give service. To myself first, then to my "fellows."

And I've given service to you and me both by reminding us of this basic truth I so often set aside because of some of those pesky character defects that make me want to please everybody else to my own detriment. 

"I trust You."

Read Deuteronomy 1:31-32.

I and most of the people I sponsor have trouble right now with food and, for my part, other addictive substitutes especially games. I listen to MP3's at night and Friday night one of them with Peter M. caused me to turn on the light and take notes. Here's a link to it.

He's talking about the First Step, lack of power over alcohol in his situation, comfort behaviors for all of us. He talks of a lack of power of choice and control, talking to those of us who know full well we're powerless over food (and comfort behaviors) but can't for the life of us -- and that's exactly what the stakes are -- can't at this point get hold of it. It's the "It won't be that bad this time" thinking, the "just a bite" that leads to more and more and bigger and grosser. It's "I'll look odd if I don't eat the refreshments" and "that looks so good!" It's symptomatic of the lack of control -- we're sure of that. And sometimes we can exercise enough self-control to eat the right foods, but then the powerlessness goes underground and surfaces as something else, like games or rage or resentment or, or, or. Peter M. calls it drama, that we all need drama, if not in our lives, we look for it somewhere else. But that's the issue. We can't control it. It's circular. "We admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable." So, how do we get there? It's spiritual. That's the whole essence of the First Step, the whole essence of ALL the Steps.

What is OA without the spiritual aspect? A diet and calories club. Dealing with the food, but ignoring all the other chaos in our lives. Abstinence only is arrogance. We're still wreaking havoc in the lives of everybody around us, including us.

A couple of comments Peter makes catch my fancy:

• "What gets in the way IS the way." 
  
• "It's one day at a time, but God doesn't wear a watch." 
  

If you read the scripture from Deuteronomy in its context, you'll see a bunch of people who look just like we do, despite the fact they lived four thousand years ago. They're gritching about how unfairly they've been treated. God hates them. He hates them so much he brought them out of Egypt just so they could be destroyed. Not just God is against us, but our brothers won't support us either, they make us give up and lose heart, telling us how much better than us the others are.

Moses looked at them, shaking his head, hands on his hips. He agreed, yes, God brought them to this place -- and out of slavery! Yes, he brought them, taking care of them every step of the way, carrying them like a parent carries a toddler on a long journey. My sponsor and I have been talking about this passage, and she says, "Oh my gosh! That is the program. Trust God and clean house."

She goes on with the comparison:

Moses called the people to commitment. God still calls us to be committed to love him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Moses made some serious mistakes, but he had lived uprightly and carried out God's commands. Moses died with integrity. We too may make some serious mistakes, but that should not stop us from living with integrity and godly commitment.

The essential question we need to address when there's a problem with our lives is, "Where are you with God?" A member of my OA group recently said her prayer has become simply saying to God, "I trust you." Yeah! I've been praying that, and it seems like my life, like hers, takes off and flies when I really say that, meaning it. Hey, God! I DO trust you!

And with the father of the boy with convulsions told Jesus, I say, "I believe, help thou my unbelief." (Mark 6)