Fold Like Old Clothing

Hebrews 1:10-12

He also says to the Son,

“In the beginning, Lord, you laid the foundation of the earth
and made the heavens with your hands. They will perish, but you remain forever.
They will wear out like old clothing. You will fold them up like a cloak
and discard them like old clothing.
But you are always the same;
you will live forever.” (NLT)

“Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us – sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 84)

Always.
Before anything,
after everything,
always.
We have no yesterday,
we have no tomorrow,
we have only right now.
But we have always.
We have no laurels
to rest on,
no accomplishments to tout.
We have no manifest destiny.
We have today, to act in faith
or act as if,
to do the next right thing
with the promise of always.

God, let me fold up my pride,
my ambition, my fears,
my longing for the easy way out
like old clothing
and work for always.

Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible,
New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

What I've Got

Hebrews 1:13-14

But to which of the angels said he at any time, Sit on my right hand, until I make thine enemies thy footstool?

Are they not all ministering spirits, sent forth to minister for them who shall be heirs of salvation? (KJV)

“Being possessed of a spiritual experience, the alcoholic…may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister to our troubled world.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pp. 131-132)

Warts, scars, pocks and all
I’m here to help
if there’s a use,
for such as me.
Others younger, stronger,
more agile, more people persons,
make more sense
but if you can use
these assets, this old tired body,
to minister, to serve, to carry the message,
okay. I’m ready,
just point me in the right direction
and tell me your will,
give me power to carry it out.

God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory of them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always.

That Contract Thing

I know I've read the April 28th entry from Voices of Recovery before. I'm sure of it! I'm also quite sure it never grabbed me like it did this morning, talking of the contract of the 3rd step. Now, contracts I know! So, let's see how this goes.

County of My County

State of Texas

Know all persons by these presents:

That we, Higher Power, hereinafter referred to as "God," being the party of the first part not because of the offer/acceptance order but because of being here way first (and also having first extended the offer formalized by this contract), and Compulsive Overeater, hereinafter referred to as "OAStepper," do hereby agree, accept, confirm, commit to this agreement, pact, covenant, arrangement, and bond.

OAStepper hereby, based on contingent promises made by God, does offer herself to God, the terms of the agreement being that God may build with her and do with her as God may choose. The terms "build with me" and "do with me" shall mean the following, which is exemplary and not a comprehensive lists of the possibilities:

o place OAStepper in positions in which her courage is nonexistent, in which she is forced to trust God to bring her through.

o demand of OAStepper a purity and freedom from substances such as sugar, frozen concoctions, confectioneries, sugar-free substitutes for any of the above, the freedom being such that her mind is clear and her ability to follow God's will be unimpaired.

o while "build with me" suggests dignity, worthiness, contribution, "do with me" allows activities in which OAStepper sees no merit and in which she may feel depreciated, disdained, or cheapened.

o OAStepper acknowledges lack of control, lack of the ability to direct the proper usefulness in the building with or doing with.

o OAStepper not only acknowledges the called-for activities may be base but also accepts the idea they could be high-profile, glorified, with hundreds/thousands/gulp-millions! of people looking at her. She acknowledges she does not have the right to turn these activities down any more than she does the ignoble ones.

o OAStepper acknowledges that she's more usable when not wasting time, that she should do the "next right thing" like she tells others to do.

o OAStepper acknowledges she has only the right to seek to know God's will for her life as it may affect the current moment or that part of the future necessary for her actions in the current moment, and she further has the right to seek God's assistance in obtaining the power to carry that out.

It is agreed that in order to fulfill the terms and conditions of this contract, God will relieve OAStepper of the bondage of self in order that OAStepper may meet the requirements for her part of this contract. This is not a right inherent in her offering herself for building/doing, and she has no right to demand the bondage be removed in any specified way which is a bother and/or hindrance to her, but she is willing for it to happen contingent on that removal of bondage facilitating the betterment of the condition-understanding-growth of other persons.

God further agrees to remove the difficulties of OAStepper, for a part of the commitment of OAStepper in this agreement is to bear witness to those she would like to help, that witness being a declaration and demonstration of God's Power, his Love and the Way of Life made possible by this contractual agreement. In circumstances where removal of such difficulties will facilitate the other persons' understanding and accepting of that Power/Love/Way of Life, God will remove them, again, not for the convenience or to meet the desires of OAStepper.

OAStepper understands this is a Suzerain/Vassal contract, not one between equals, and she hereby relinquishes all desires to demand a full partnership interest in the decision-making.

In the event of breach of this contract by OAStepper, she will immediately forfeit peace, serenity, security, love, joy, and self-esteem and will become the vassal of such edibles and commodities as once dominated her existence. She will potentially forfeit her ability ever to find her way back to the contractual relationship, having seen many others baffled by the path they once walked having disappeared to their vision or at least their ability to navigate it. She is aware that simply accepting the idea that a temporary waiver from this contract might be granted is folly and a self-fulfilling prophesy, though the temporary part of that equation may not be.

In the event of a breach of this contract by God, the world/universe/creation will immediately terminate and implode to nothingness.

Signed and entered this the 3rd day of May, 2010 by the parties herebefore named.

Remembering Heidi

I went to Heidi Rains' funeral today. She was 42. It was a medium-small church. I don't estimate crowds well, but lots of people were there. I stood, as did about a fourth of the folk there.

Something like 48 hours after she went to the emergency room, she was gone, evening of New Years Day. We don't have tomorrow, not until it's today. We live today, and what we do may affect tomorrow, but we lose today if we worry too much about tomorrow. Heidi would have been surprised by the size of the crowd. What we do today affects lots of peoples' lives. And they care.

The last time I saw Heidi was maybe Tuesday or Wednesday before Christmas. I was leaving as she was going in, and we talked briefly in the parking lot. She said she'd been meaning to tell me how much she liked Slender Steps to Sanity, how much it had meant to her. I was touched that day, honored. And I've been thinking about it ever since the call on Friday, telling me she was gone. Heidi wasn't a member of OA, never attended a meeting. She worried about her weight, but I never got any feeling she needed OA. But that conversation in the parking lot, she told me she wanted to share the book with others, asked about how to do it, and we talked about it. She was going to bring me money to send copies to people, and of course that didn't happen.

As I stood there in the church I decided to honor Heidi by sending books out for her. I'm asking for your help, not for money, but for names and addresses to whom I should send them. I had a plan, but I've learned I can't use addresses obtained from OA in any way to distribute the book, and I've given them away to many of the people around me. If you would like one or know of someone who would like one, I would ask that you email me and just tell me their name and address. I'll send copies to as many addresses as I get, and it doesn't matter when you read this. Just click this link, and send the address. I'll know what you're asking. I don't need to know if it's your address or somebody else's, and I'll not use the address for any other purpose at all. Thanks.

I hope you find OA

I woke this morning to AA speaker John A. Over a year sober, he lived in his car, wandering through casinos looking for pocket change, jobs, his next meal - and going to AA meetings, working with his sponsor, trying, trying, trying. After he cried through a gratitude meeting, a fellow he didn't like (why is that always the source of inspiration???) told him, "I hope you find AA." He went on to explain he knew John hadn't really taken the Third Step because, if he actually had made a decision to turn his life and his will over to God, he wouldn't be living like that - that God takes better care of his kids than that. John goes on to say he had believed there was his time and God's time and he was tired waiting for God's time, but the truth is there's our time and God's time, and God's is so very much swifter than ours -- when we stop being the impediment. (Within 48 hours of that conversation, John had a job and a place to live.)

I spoke in another organization last week on the subject of "The Big Bad Wolf." After talking about the 1933 cartoon and fears rampant during the Depression and the growth of the threat that became World War II, I moved to personal fears. I read part of the Big Book about fear:

This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. (Alcoholics Anonymous,  pages 67-68)

I am afraid. I'm afraid of computer games, of the box of Bisquick in the pantry calling me to come make comfort foods, of people on the elevator asking if my retirement date isn't coming soon and whether I'm ready, of retirement. I'm afraid of failure, but even more I'm afraid of success. I am afraid. 

An OA friend told of her experience riding a bicycle built for two, her husband in front. She said the experience of holding onto handle bars with no steering capacity, looking around to try to see what's ahead -- that it's an odd experience. I'm ready to trust the driver, to let God control, to get me out of the way and see what success looks like. I'm afraid. Of myself, I have no adequate defense. Thank God I don't have to.

Drat! It should be HARDER.

"If you're not afraid of something, then there's nothing to overcome and it's not courage. But if you're afraid and you do it anyway, that's courage." Mur Lafferty 

Just do it. Act as if. "...praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out." (Step 11) I know all this stuff. I know how to plow ahead and be successful. I know how to do the things that need to be done. But they don't. I don't. I hide my head, and things become a crisis before I do them. And I fear. It's comforting to know others fear, others who are successful and out there where I want to be. 

I know I'm good. I know I can accomplish what I want to do. So why do I hide my head and avoid doing them? Why am I not moving forward?

I am moving forward. Not at break-neck speed. Not a lot faster than a turtle sometimes, but hey, have you seen a turtle move when you see him in the road and turn around to get a photo of him? They do. And they get somewhere. And I'm getting somewhere. One day at a time.

I've got fears. I've got self-esteem issues. But I can do things. And I am. God's will, God's design for my life. Putting that out there, not my fears. But it's so scary....

At the Beginning

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Three years ago, I came to OA, and I was powerless over food, my life was out of control, chaotic, far from manageable. Right now? I'm just as powerless over food as I ever was, and I cannot manage my life one twit. The difference is that now I know I don't HAVE to manage my life and that being powerless over food is just fine as well as I'm NOT managing my life. When it's turned over to my Higher Power whom I call God, when I admit sometimes on a second-by-second basis that good's pull is still as strong as it ever was, that the control over the food, the power over food comes -- from without, or from the God within me, however I choose to envision it at the moment. It's not as though it's imposed on me, but God's very internal. And he's not a puppeteer, not pulling strings from the inside or the outside. Turning my life and will over to my higher power doesn't take away my own ability to control. But when I rebel and act on my own -- in defiance, in doubt, in fear -- then I plummet back into the abyss of my old unmanageable life. I don't like it there.

I came into OA three years ago. For a while when I do chips, I've talked about time in program or abstinence. I know I have been fudging because I wasn't clear about my own position, and that made me sound less of a hypocrite to myself. From now own, I'm going to say it exactly like the script says it.

And I haven't taken my third year chip. I didn't take it on Dec. 16, the day before my abstinence date, and I've missed the last two meetings because my kids from out of state came in an hour before the meeting the 23rd, and they left the morning of the 30th. But I would have felt really ambiguous about accepting the three year chip then. I'm abstinent today, have been yesterday and the day before. I will never take that third year chip. I don't know on in December of 2010 whether I'll take a 1 year or 4 year chip, but I know I've taken the first step one more time and this time my life's out of my hand, and I won't take it back. With God's help and your support.