- I'm afraid of my husband's being mad.
- I'm afraid of stopping doing things just because my husband will be mad
- I'm afraid of my husband's controlling me.
- I'm afraid I'll put my very best out before the world in the best possible venue and it will be ignored.
- I'm afraid I'll succeed so much I don't know how to deal with it.
- I'm afraid I'll fall off the "water wagon" and gain it all and more.
- I'm afraid I'll be so successful I won't be able to tolerate my husband and his attitude and his eating.
- I'm afraid I'll be exposed. I'm not sure what that means.
- I'm afraid I'll be in the vise between what a nice girl does and what the emerging me needs/wants.
- I'm afraid I'll die of boredom.
Now, I'm supposed to do a column with each of those and figure out the bottom line.
- I'm afraid of my husband's being mad.
- If my husband's mad, what happens?
- he belittles me
- If he belittles me I lose my confidence
- if I lose my confidence I need affirmation from someone
- the only one I can get affirmation from is my husband
- If I make my husband mad, I'm a little child with nobody to guide me, care for me, protect me
- if my husband's mad I'm on my own.
- If I'm on my own I am responsible for guiding me, caring for me, protecting me
- if I'm on my own I have to rely on God or me and I might not rely on God.
- if my husband is mad I'm alone
Now to the second fear....
- I'm afraid of stopping doing things that made my husband mad.
- If I stop doing what makes my husband mad, I'm being who he thinks I am
- if I stop doing what makes my husband mad, I'm nothing but his robot.
- If I stop making my husband mad I'm nothing.
The pattern's getting pretty clear....
- I'm afraid of my husband's controlling me.
- If my husband doesn't control me I'm alone.
Moving to other issues....
- I'm afraid I'll put my very best out before the world in the best possible venue and it will be ignored.
- I'm afraid I'm nothing.
And the opposite....
- I'm afraid I'll succeed so much I don't know how to deal with it.
- If I succeed I'll have crushed my husband and I won't be a nice girl and I'll be alone.
- I'm afraid I'll fall off the "water wagon" and gain it all and more.
- I won't be any better than my husband who lost weight and is gaining now.
- but I won't be alone. I'll just be nothing.
- I'm afraid I'll be so successful I won't be able to tolerate my husband and his attitude and his eating.
- I won't be a nice girl and I'll be nothing and alone.
- I'm afraid I'll be exposed. I'm not sure what that means.
- Obviously it means nothing and alone.
- I'm afraid I'll be in the vise between what a nice girl does and what Barbara needs/wants.
- I'm afraid I'll die of boredom.
The last two are pretty obvious.
My fears are I'll be nothing and I'll be alone.
Now I need to go meditate and ask God to remove my fears. I ask God to remove my fears (nothing and alone) and to tell me what he wants me to be, to direct my attention to what he wants me to be.
What follows are notes, going back and listening to the mp3 I was basing this on:
- fear is volitional. self-reliance leads to fear.
- my fears area always a lie, my ego's way of keeping me in familiar territory.
My meditation. I'm not good at meditation. In 2008 I will become good at it, if I can get me out of God's way for it to happen. This one went well.
I kept listening to the parade, wasn't far enough away, but I put my fingers in my ears and got in touch.
I'm not sure I feel free of fear, but the feelings lie, especially when I've spent so many years trying not to feel. I accept that the fears have been removed and that will become obvious in the days to come. The words as to what God wants me to be were "receptive" and "aware." The receptive goes with "nothing" and "aware" goes with alone. I think.
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What are you afraid of?
1 comment:
well, Barb, this column was plenty fearless! i'd say you're well on your way.
Joyce Meyer says the instruction in the Bible, sometimes from angels, sometimes from Jesus, to 'fear not!' doesn't mean 'don't FEEL fear,' as we don't control our emotions, only our responses to them. it's not wrong to FEEL any emotion, only to let emotions control us. so the real injunction is, 'DO IT (whatever the task is) even though you FEEL afraid!'
another teacher i heard years ago said he treats fear as a green light. since God doesn't guide us by means of fear, (not talking about proper respect of dangerous situations here)he figures fear is a tactic of the enemy of our soul, trying to keep us from moving ahead in some Kingdom purpose for God's glory. so, when he feels fearful about some new undertaking, he figures it's exactly what he should be doing!
so...'fear not' equals 'do it---afraid!'
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