The email conversation involved a mutual friend's insisting on her own way in meetings and writing scathing attacks on those who questioned her right to decide all matters in issue. "And this part bothers me. Never got it that she could be so threatened. As we've mentioned before, she has a fine life of her own. Why would she be jealous???"
Why, indeed? Why did James and John (and in another gospel their mother) want favored treatment when they already were among the top tier, two who went when the select of the select were chosen to accompany the Christ. Greed raises its ugly head in such diverse situations! With our friend, financial security, wide recognition and influence in her chosen field, and success after success, might seem to be sufficient from the outside--or, in recovery, from the inside. Many of us in the rooms weren't always so quick to recognize our blessings either. We spent out lives craving more whether we had much or little, grappling up the ladder of success, more than willing to knock off competitors and companions to clear more room for ourselves at the top.
Our friend thrives on attention, craves it, demands it. Any room becomes filled with her presence from her entry (late and dramatic) to her exit, breathless to reach the next center stage. She's earned a permanent perch on my resentment list. I pray her off and she swoops back again.
The Big Book tells us to do our own inventory, not that of any other person:
Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67)
Sometimes, though, looking at another's motivation can be a matter of finding not fault but forgiveness. If a person grew up in an abusive home, in poverty, or separated too early from the nurturing adults, of if later in life adversity seems to hone in on them for target practice, they may develop problems like those leading us to Overeaters Anonymous. Whatever the recovery needed, the person is sick, and we must see them as a prospect for recovery. Our message helps not just alcoholics and compulsive eaters but about a hundred other identified classifications of problems. We have a message of hope to spread. It doesn't have to be to strangers. If we simply love the people who seem frequently to be the thorns in our lives, we're working the 12th step just as surely as when we visit with a newcomer in a meeting. The message of hope is for everyone, no matter how obnoxious. You just might bring greater peace and serenity to your own life as well as the other's.
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Who are the thorns in your life? Pray they have all the hope, peace, serenity, joy, self-esteem, success, and recognition you want for your own life. And love them off your resentment list as many times as it takes.
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