Igor Ego

Consider Job 20:4-7

We admitted we were powerless over food, believed God could remove the insanity, decided to turn our lives and will over, inventoried, admitted, became willing, asked for defects to be removed, listed and made amends. We’re through. We’re not through.

A friend of mine wrote, “After 2½ months of abstinence I had just a bite of candy, one of those bite sized candy bas, and went many days. I pushed the recurring thought, “I can control this sugar” from my mind repeatedly. Well, soon I found I was binging on sugar. So I started over. I now have six days of abstinence. My boundary with sugar is no sugar at all.”

I know exactly how she feels. I quit computer games cold turkey September 1, turned it over to God, and realized the immense relief and new time formerly spent wallowing in spider sol, Sudoku, Yubotu, Tetris, the game of the moment. Mid-December, my computer having crashed and the reboot having virtually nothing on it but an Internet connection, I opened a game. Shortly after, I got a new computer, loaded it with programs and my projects, had plenty to do. And weeks passed again. But the last couple of weeks, itty-bit by sneak-a-peek, I’ve let insidious games sneak in as a way to “think about” the project at hand. And itty-bit by sneak-a-peek, they’ve robbed me of my time.

Ego has surfaced. Igor the Ego. Igor Ego. God, save me from my character defects. Again. Bill Wilson in a speech said, “Ego deflation at depth is today a cornerstone principle” of the twelve step program. Igor, prepare for deflation.

We overeaters have ego problems. They may or may not show from the outside to the causal observer. We can be (and often are) egomaniacs with inferiority complexes, but ego reigns before we come into recovery. And even when we rid ourselves of the parts of ego that come out as resentment, fear, wounded pride, and rage, it springs back again. “I can handle this.” “I don’t need to be that strict.” “Oh, for goodness sake, I’ve been good. I deserve this!”

Ego deflation happens when we need a new adjustment, a new infusion of humility and empathy. That takes restructuring over the long haul, not the quick fix we hope for when we come into the program. We need to build up the self that is the seat of God in our lives, to recognize we do deserve the very best—and stop settling for a piece of candy, a round of Sudoku, or a bite of birthday cake. We are still addicts, despite having worked the steps. But God willing and us keeping out of the way, we’re addicts in recovery.

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What can you do today to fine tune your relationship with God? How has ego wiggled back into your life?