Less Desperate

Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness. (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions [A.A.], page 23)

He goes on to discuss how the less desperate get there, to answer the question, "how could people such as these take this Step?" The answers:

• The AA member taking to them should recount their own history, show how their early years were leading up to the desperate ones.
• Suggest controlled drinking.

The result, they found, was that people once introduced to the principles of the program cannot go back to the days before knowledge--they can't unlearn. And, in relapse or still in the addiction, they cannot take the rest of the steps. They're stuck at one, stuck with lives unmanageable and the inability to exercise any power over the addiction. 

I've been skirting on the dangerous ground, the "controlled drinking." And I've flunked miserably with it. Today, though, I'm abstinent. My husband asked for a snack mid-afternoon, and I was hungry, too. But I ate only a snack authorized under my plan, and I feel good about it -- especially since the intention is to go out tonight with his family, including his mother who's stayed with us this past week with medical issues. I know, had I played with the limits of the plan at 3, restaurant temptations would have hit harder. But God and I are approaching them from a standpoint of strength, of abstinence. But I'm off the point I was aiming toward in thinking through the language from the 12 and 12. 

For me, there's no need in having someone else talk to me about the depths of despair. I'm not there. But I've been there. And I do need to remember it. Life wasn't fun at all. I remember. And I'd rather have recovery.