Restless, Discontent

But not much irritable. I'm doing okay. I want to open a game. I won't. But I won't say anything here worth reading, either.

I'm back. I posted this about 35 minutes ago. It was a lie then, it's more of one now. I have had tonight two cheese sticks, a slice of cheese, and dates twice. I also had two sugar-free no calorie tiny Popsicle things. They don't really count as compulsive eating, they were to stave it off. But I didn't behave, anyway. But I do promise that's all for today and tomorrow will be abstinent. Good night.

Futility Thinking

My assignment for today -- and it's a big enough one it won't happen today, but starting today -- is to work on my futility thinking. This is adding a "but" to every "yes." I'm going to work on getting my rational/analytical/skeptical self out of the way and letting God really lead me where I want him to lead me, which is where he wants me to go. That's convoluted. I'm saying I want to hitch a ride with him, not put on the brakes.

My food is in good shape. I ate some cottage cheese, and 1/3 of a cup, last night, that wasn't planned but was a better choice than most I could have made. Otherwise I followed the food plan. And My food buddy is due back from her trip, so I'll send there the nitty-gritty details and quit boring you with those. But I'll confess here to indiscretions, and if I open a game, I will immediately come here and tell you. And I'll try to identify the yes-but pattern and let you know how I'm doing on that as well. Thanks.

One Day at a Time

Can't I help God? Why do I have to just trust him and not step in and fix things? Isn't that a mother's prerogative?

Abstinence is going fine. Supper last night was turkey chili, a slice of bread, a supplement, and a pudding supplement without the extras I'm avoiding. The scales said 184 at the center where I weigh in, down 1.5 pounds from the lowest previous in 30-ish years. Last time I weighed, it was 186, about 2 weeks ago. Foor today is 2 eggs, bread, cheese, supplement, turkey chili, grapefruit, and supplement. Boring is good. Boring is comfortable. Boring is following the food plan.

No computer games.

I've willingly spent a sizable chunk of time the last 24 hours helping son with a resume and cover letter and logistics of getting it submitted, etc., with him on the road driving a truck. It's the perfect job for him; he's perfect for them. He knows the first part; they don't know the second part. So couldn't I tell them? Or get somebody more credible than a mama to tell them? Please? Pretty please?

God said no. I sit here chuckling, because he said it pretty sternly. And I'm listening. I'm not talking to them, not even saying the name of the potential employer to try to get somebody from there to contact me. I've got to leave it up to God and to son's excellent credentials and talents. Gosh, that's tough. Almost as tough as not playing computer games for about 72 hours, but I've done that. And I'll do this. Promise. But it's hard to type with crossed fingers.

Twelve O'Clock and All's Well

All is well. Food and games are under control, this day, this time. For supper last night we had our staple meal of turkey chili. I had a slice of bread, a supplement, and then the pudding supplement I put in the leftover part of the fruit and supplement my husband didn't eat at lunch, so I had an extra half of supplement and an extra half serving of fruit. I did eat a spoonful of fat free cottage cheese and two cheese sticks yesterday. Today I had 2 eggs, bread, supplement, a Santa Fe grilled chicken salad from Arby's with 1/2 the included tortilla strips and 1/2 a package of low-fat ranch dressing. Plus a supplement and a grapefruit. No games.

But all is well way beyond the absence of compulsive eating and computer games. How do I say what I'm feeling? I think of John Wesley's journal entry, "I felt my heart strangely warmed." This certainly, to this point, isn't a day memorable hundreds of years hence, but God's presence is very real today. There's another illustration I want to use. Not one a good Methodist girl's supposed to know about. It's the third chakra, below the heart, above the navel. 

This is our third chakra, a yellow lotus of ten petals, located at the solar plexus—the place where we get those butterfly feelings when we feel scared or powerless. Its element is fire—fire—that radiates and transforms matter into energy, giving light and warmth. This chakra represents our "get up and go," our action, our will, our vitality, and our sense of personal power. Its name, Manipura, means "lustrous gem." We can think of it as a glowing yellow Sun, radiating through the center of our body. Source

That's what today feels like, a glowing sun radiating through my body. It's neat. And it's how I most thoroughly feel God's presence. 

In Sunday school this morning, we had four teens and an adult, all Navajos, and a missionary working on the reservation. They were visiting the college where I graduated almost 40 years ago, one starting school there next year. The other three, all fourteen, were seeing what possibilities might lie "out there" beyond their thoughts and contemplation. The missionary and some of the others, at her guiding, talked of the conflict between cultures and religions. Some of the "others" were quoted as talking about everybody having the same god, everybody praying. While I understood the teaching that it wasn't true, my inner me said, "Oh, but it is!"

Meditating the morning (which I start with random readings) God kept telling me things like:

• Reaching is the essence of recovery (For Today)
• "Problems have been our stimulus. How well, though, shall we be able to meet the problems of success?" (As Bill Sees It, page 207) 
• "We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father" and that our husbands seemed to like it when we had the same behavior that characterized them. (page 106 BB)
• Growth comes from inconvenience and discomfort. Tend to business, be clear, and wait on God's will.
• I should know my limits and boundaries in all four area, spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

I repeatedly prayed the 7th step prayer, wanting to commit it to memory, both as to the words and, much more importantly, in my behavior. "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." (AA BB p. 76)

But the main understanding I came away with was the meaning of intercessory prayer. I've always been hesitant -- and I believe for good reason -- for in asking God for something specific, we're imposing our will on him. But this morning I found myself praying aloud (first time since establishing the meditation time a few months ago) that God bless those people I'm concerned for in the four areas, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think that's the realization I came away with that warms my heart--and my solar plexus. 

All is well, at this time, on this one day.

Success, This Day at This Time

To be honest, I haven't done what I said I would do, but I've been compliant as to the spirit. Let's see. Since two posts ago I have:

• Read half of the book manuscript.
• Fixed one non-profit website as a minor fix.
• Spent hours on another that was far from a minor fix, but it's been updated after being ignored four months. Normally I try to do it at least monthly.
• Emailed offering to speak at an OA meeting. I got an error message from the web-based form and may have to follow up on that if they don't answer after the weekend.
• Found out more about what's going on in the life of one of the people I said I would write. I've spent some hours reading blogs but haven't written her.
• I cleaned the half of the kitchen I didn't get to yesterday, resealing the tile grout, etc.
• Hubby bought a new appliance and I put it together.
• I've posted to a group at The Recovery Group and answered several OA emails.
• In doing my literature reading, I did more than normal, reading the story on page 301 of the AA BB. Wow, is that meant for me to read today! He says, "Mine was the skid row of success. The physical skid row in any city is miserable. The skid row of success is just as miserable." His stopping drinking sounds a lot like my stopping the compulsive eating, and the advice to really DO AA rather than looking down at the butcher, the carpenter, the baker and the mechanic who made up his group. That hit the elitist in me as did the portions of page 58 he quotes. Then later he says:

What is this power that A.A. possesses? This curative power? I don't know what it is. I suppose the doctor might ay, "This is psychosomatic medicine." I suppose the psychiatrist might say, "This is benevolent interpersonal relations." I suppose others wold say, "This is group psychotherapy."

To me it is God. (AA Big Book, page 308)

Yep. It's been a good day. And a better day because I have NOT opened a computer game. I ate what I said I ate yesterday, and only that. Today I have had only:

• 2 eggs, 50 cal. bread, a vegetarian patty (100 cal.), and a liquid supplement
• green salad with grilled chicken, cheese, and an egg, finished two bottles of fat free dressing and still really didn't have enough. Just a touch of each. A liquid supplement fixed with frozen blueberries and Splenda. 

Thanks for being here.

Service Works!

I haven't done anything but read half the manuscript, but I did want to report in. I had an Arby's grilled chicken club salad with 1/2 package of low-fat ranch dressing with water to drink. I came home and did a liquid supplement then a pudding supplement with only millers bran and non-caloric "fuzzy" water. I will eat no more tonight.

I have been working with a new sponsored. I set out to respond to this latest part of our discussion about step 2:

I guess I really need to figure out what I can believe in. Is there such a thing as a home made god. I really need to figure it out. I need to find out. I am going to do some research.I guess I do believe so. I just need to figure out what I believe in.

My response, after some web research was:

These are some web pages that may help you in looking for your higher power. He/She/It doesn't have to be called god. You choose the name. GUS (Guy upstairs), Hallowed (Hallowed be thy name), The Big Guy, Spirit, Mother Earth, Buddy---anything.

http://powerfullyrecovered.com/articles/exploringspirit.htm

http://worldwideaddiction.com/articles/spirituality.htm

http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/trauspir.html

Mainly I wanted to amend my commitment so it included no slices of cheese as evening snacks as well. Now I've got some web pages to fix. Thanks for being here.

Consider Romans 7:21-25.

I started this blog September 1, 2007 struggling with my addiction to computer games. I conquered it, not with my willpower, for I'd tried that many times before but with the help of God and the support of many of you, individually and through email. I did conquer it. Yet it didn't stay conquered. I don' t know when I started again. It was absolutely gradual. Probably a bit at a time beginning in February, and lately it's been out of control. So here I am again. Woe is me! That which I would do, I do not. That which I would not do, I do! I am powerless over mindless computer games, and my life has become unmanageable. I know full well God's capable of remedying the situation, restoring my sanity. And he'll have to do it again, for I'm just as helpless as I was on August 31.

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen. (AA Big Book, 7th step prayer

Insidious. Cunning, scheming, conniving defects. What? You say the computer game habit has no motives? What? Would you prefer I play Flip Wilson and say, "The Devil made me do it?" That would be an easy out, exonerating me. Nope. I did it. By not trusting, not looking forward, not actually listening to God when he told me his will for my life this day and countless (okay, something like 45) days before this. He gave me the power to carry out his will. I know, for I asked for it each day. Then he proffered it and I turned it down.

Why? What's the fascination in computer games? WHY WHY WHY????

Let me count the ways:

1. When I play sudoku the mental challenge changes with each game, but they're always different, and they intrigue me.
2. The button is so easy to push to pull up one more game, even though I vowed every one for seventeen before that one it was the last game.
3. I don't have to feel feelings when I'm playing sudoku.
4. I don't have to interact with people.
5. I don't have to become what I can become.
6. Becoming what I could become scares the begeebies out of me.
7. I stuck my head out of the shell and it got shat upon. I don't like getting shat upon.
8. Hey, it's harmless. It doesn't put the pounds back on even though I'm not being "responsible."
9. So why does a baby suck a pacifier? It's the same reason. It feels good.
10. People still think I'm "good." What do they know?
11. I sit here trying to answer the question. You wanna know what my instinct is? Go play some sudoku and the answer will appear. But it doesn't. I've tried. I lose myself, my time, my mind, my self-respect, my emotional abstinence. And while when I finally quit I usually can answer the question, I could have done it much more quickly without the hours of distraction.
12. I've always thought hell is floating around on a cloud all day with a harp for ever and ever and ever. How dull and boring can it be? How dull and boring can sudoku be? I'm sending myself to hell every time I click the new game button.

Enough. Enough reasons, enough excuses, enough sudoku. And no, I don't get to substitute minesweeper, freecell, yubotu, or--tiddlywinks. Enough games. Enough fear--that's what procrastination is, chronic low-intensity fear. Enough. I played by last game--when did I start this post? Maybe 15 minutes ago. And that's the last game of sudoku ever. I may have to keep eating so I can't swear off food, but I can swear off stupid computer games. And I do. So help me God.

I'll be back tomorrow with a true and accurate report of my sudoku abstinence--and my food abstinence since that was slipping as well.

Today's food report:

• 2 eggs, 50 cal. bread, 1 oz. cheese, liquid protein supplement.
• lettuce, cherry tomatoes, several kinds of fresh fruit, and 1/4 cup cottage cheese, brisket which is not on my food plan, and a veggie casserole which had corn and a sauce not on the food plan. That was the best I could do in the setting, a service club buffet.
• a liquid supplement.

That's it so far. Yeah. More than you wanted to know. Before I come back here I will have: (wait a minute. I may need to blog instead of playing sudoku. Before this time tomorrow)

• read what I wrote a long time ago in a novel dealing with overcoming evil (with the purpose of finishing the darned thing.)
• edited at least 50 pages of the book I've got on my computer that I'm editing.
• worked in either the junk room or the storage building for at least 30 minutes.
• Written a letter that I decided to write but it intimidates me.
• Writing another letter and sending a gift by way of making amends, then calling the person.
• Making a phone call or sending an email volunteering to speak at an OA meeting where they need speakers.
• Fixing two websites, small issues that need to be repaired.

I won't put more than that, but I probably will do more than that. I won't do sudoku or any other game, and I won't eat sugar, won't have dates after supper, won't have yogurt in my supplement pudding. This is too private for the tone of this blog, and I apologize. But I need you now, and by tolerating me, maybe I can be of service to you better soon.