Salvation is home?

Reading this morning from the stories in the Big Book, I found this wonderful quote:

There is another meaning for the Hebrew word that in the King James version of the Bible is translated "salvation." It is: "to come home." I had found my salvation. I wasn't alone anymore. (Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th edition, page 206)

What a two week marathon I've had! I took my "home" with me in the form of literature and the constant presence of God, my new affirmation and prayer being simply, "I trust you." But now I'm physically home and with no unusual meetings scheduled this week, just sitting here dog and laptop in my lap, ready to get dressed and get to church. But I'm home, safe, saved, content, serene. And it's time to clean house. Those bushes outside, the patio, the cobwebs around the garage entrance... Yes, but more than that back to step work and diligently working on growing in this marvelous program.

Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous. Welcome home!

An ordinary day.

Consider Luke 9:23.

Take up your cross daily. And follow Jesus. 

Can you get bored carrying a cross? Sometimes it's exhilarating, being with the Master in the midst of adoring crowds. Sometimes it's terrifying. Sometimes it's wearying. Sometimes it's just plain heavy. And boring. Day after day after day. And we of the addictive personalities don't enjoy boredom. After Step Eleven the Big Book predicts:  

We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

Some of that sounds very good--less fear, less anger, less worry, relief from self-pity and the self-loathing that follows foolish decisions. But it starts out with excitement. Do we really want to be free of excitement? Isn't freedom from excitement boredom?

It's been a good week. I've been busy. VERY busy. In non-job related situations I've spoken in public eight times, to audiences probably averaging more than 30 people, and on four totally unrelated subjects with audiences from 5th graders to writers to Toastmasters. I've been featured in the local paper twice and my name mentioned several more times. How can I be sitting here writing about boredom? Well, the week is over. I'm through, with no such outside-the-norm events scheduled next week. And looking at a week of less excitement. 

Excitement: A feeling of great enthusiasm and eagerness. Take it another level, and the definition of enthusiasm comes back to eagerness. And that says wanting to have or do something very much. And that sounds like addictive behavior to me. Let's see what else the Big Book promises as a result of living the life the steps direct:

• amazed
• new freedom
• new happiness
• feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear
• our attitude and outlook will change
• other pretty fun stuff. 

Sounds good. And not boring. Maybe the opposite of excitement isn't boring. 

Look at that quote from after Step Eleven. It doesn't stop with no more excitement. It says we're not so easily tired because we're not wasting energy worrying about staging our lives. You know what no more excitement means? It means energy. It means being energized, not being bored. Okay. I can deal with that. And I'm ready. I was feeling pretty tired, but it's gone. I'm not excited any more.... Oops. I'm not bored any more.

Thank God!

Whatsoever!

Consider Proverbs 23:7.

As I traveled the other day, I listened to Chuck C, the tapes from which the book A New Pair of Glasses was compiled. He said, "We think and ourselves become that which we think about." I realized the truth inherent in the statement--and that he was far from the first to have said it. King James Version says, "For as he thinketh in his heart so is he." 

I've struggled with the concept of "recovered" or "recovering" or simply, "I'm a compulsive overeater." I've shied away from "recovering" and would feel like a fraud to use recovered, but I'm well aware the Big Book says they're 100 "recovered" alcoholics. I still protest alcohol has to be easier to recover from than food, but that's part of what I'm talking about, the point I'm aiming at (and not hitting very well it seems.) But am I reinforcing failure by saying I'm a compulsive overeater? Does the suggestion or assertion of saying I'm recovering become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I know this program isn't about mind games. But I also know I can use mind games to cripple the program, and I think I'm doing that. 

I once got license plates that could have caused officers to be more diffident about enforcing speeding violations. I found they worked. I didn't drive that fast with the fact I was an official proclaimed on my license plates. They did become a good way to keep from getting tickets--because my behavior justified it. (I'd gotten only one in 40+ years of driving at the time, so it wasn't really a huge issue.) 

Another AA speaker, Patti O, says, "Rationalization, justification, and denial. When I'm explaining it to you, I'm hearing it, and when I'm hearing it I'm believing it." So, does it work the right way as well as the wrong way? We'll see. Hello, I'm OAStepper and I'm a recovering compulsive overeater.

Self Serving is Not Selfish

Consider Matthew 7:3-5.

My Mac computer's internal dictionary defines self-serving thus:

Having concern for one's own welfare and interests before those of others : public accountability is replaced by self-serving propaganda

While the definition doesn't shout disapproval, the exemplar of use certainly does. We almost mentally equate self-serving and hypocritical. Or at least I do. That's the disease, my putting my thoughts in your mind. Sorry. But Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount wasn't saying not to talk to the fellow about the grain of sand in his eye; he just said see to yourself first, heal thyself! That was a proverb in Jesus' time, one he knew and quoted, because he figured the people there in Capernaum were thinking it. Unlike me, though, Jesus didn't need to heal himself first. I do.

We do. Look at the Twelfth Step. "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps...." We can't give it away if we don't have it. Chapter 8 says:

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success.... Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job -- wife or no wife -- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house. (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 98)

Clean house? That doesn't mean cleaning somebody else's house. It means we clean our own. In a 1966 letter Bill W says:

Well, any theologian will tell you that the salvation of his own soul is the highest vocation that a man can have. Without salvation -- however we may define this -- he will have little or nothing. For us of A.A., there is even more urgency....

We are of no value to anyone, including ourselves, until we find salvation from alcohol. Therefore, our own recovery and spiritual growth have to come first -- a right and necessary kind of self-concern. (As Bill Sees It, page 81)  

But I'm supposed to give service. We're told anytime anybody asks us to do something in program the answer should be yes. Yes. I'm supposed to give service. It's a basic premise of the program, that the way I keep my recovery is by giving it away. But even more basic than that premise are those that say I admit powerlessness, believe God can restore me to sanity, decide to ask him for sanity, look at my life, my character, my patterns of behavior, admit those to another, become ready to change that character where it's defective, ask for the change, identify others I've hurt and fix that then keep doing that and keep doing that and keep doing that AND do service. So yes, I'm supposed to give service. To myself first, then to my "fellows."

And I've given service to you and me both by reminding us of this basic truth I so often set aside because of some of those pesky character defects that make me want to please everybody else to my own detriment. 

"I trust You."

Read Deuteronomy 1:31-32.

I and most of the people I sponsor have trouble right now with food and, for my part, other addictive substitutes especially games. I listen to MP3's at night and Friday night one of them with Peter M. caused me to turn on the light and take notes. Here's a link to it.

He's talking about the First Step, lack of power over alcohol in his situation, comfort behaviors for all of us. He talks of a lack of power of choice and control, talking to those of us who know full well we're powerless over food (and comfort behaviors) but can't for the life of us -- and that's exactly what the stakes are -- can't at this point get hold of it. It's the "It won't be that bad this time" thinking, the "just a bite" that leads to more and more and bigger and grosser. It's "I'll look odd if I don't eat the refreshments" and "that looks so good!" It's symptomatic of the lack of control -- we're sure of that. And sometimes we can exercise enough self-control to eat the right foods, but then the powerlessness goes underground and surfaces as something else, like games or rage or resentment or, or, or. Peter M. calls it drama, that we all need drama, if not in our lives, we look for it somewhere else. But that's the issue. We can't control it. It's circular. "We admitted we were powerless over food, that our lives had become unmanageable." So, how do we get there? It's spiritual. That's the whole essence of the First Step, the whole essence of ALL the Steps.

What is OA without the spiritual aspect? A diet and calories club. Dealing with the food, but ignoring all the other chaos in our lives. Abstinence only is arrogance. We're still wreaking havoc in the lives of everybody around us, including us.

A couple of comments Peter makes catch my fancy:

• "What gets in the way IS the way." 
  
• "It's one day at a time, but God doesn't wear a watch." 
  

If you read the scripture from Deuteronomy in its context, you'll see a bunch of people who look just like we do, despite the fact they lived four thousand years ago. They're gritching about how unfairly they've been treated. God hates them. He hates them so much he brought them out of Egypt just so they could be destroyed. Not just God is against us, but our brothers won't support us either, they make us give up and lose heart, telling us how much better than us the others are.

Moses looked at them, shaking his head, hands on his hips. He agreed, yes, God brought them to this place -- and out of slavery! Yes, he brought them, taking care of them every step of the way, carrying them like a parent carries a toddler on a long journey. My sponsor and I have been talking about this passage, and she says, "Oh my gosh! That is the program. Trust God and clean house."

She goes on with the comparison:

Moses called the people to commitment. God still calls us to be committed to love him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Moses made some serious mistakes, but he had lived uprightly and carried out God's commands. Moses died with integrity. We too may make some serious mistakes, but that should not stop us from living with integrity and godly commitment.

The essential question we need to address when there's a problem with our lives is, "Where are you with God?" A member of my OA group recently said her prayer has become simply saying to God, "I trust you." Yeah! I've been praying that, and it seems like my life, like hers, takes off and flies when I really say that, meaning it. Hey, God! I DO trust you!

And with the father of the boy with convulsions told Jesus, I say, "I believe, help thou my unbelief." (Mark 6)

The Words of the Amen!

Consider Revelation 3:14.

I've read over it time and time again because I love the words to the church at Laodicea, but the first phrase...that didn't grab me until today. "These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation." (NIV) Wow!

Amen in Greek of course means "So be it!" God told Moses, "I am who I am." He directed that Moses tell the Israelites "I am" sent him. Does that sound presumptive? Yes! Of course. Is it boastful? Nope. To tell the truth about who you are can sound boastful, even to yourself. But if it is the truth, it may actually be a duty to say it. A very painful and difficult duty for a diffident person, but a duty.

We're within weeks of the presidential nomination conventions here in the United States. The media is aghast at the revelations about one of the eliminated candidates, proclaiming, "Just think, he could have been our NOMINEE." The remaining candidates stand daily before the public, telling us they're the best possible choice for the office. Few people believe them. Naw, that's not necessarily true. I don't believe them. But that's not the issue. I got into this to talk about how hard it is to run for office, to put yourself out there and ask for votes. Gee, I hate even to ask for money for worthwhile causes! But to ask people to vote for me? I've tried it. It's excruciating. But if all people of good character shy away from talking about their virtues, we'll have only people of low character running the nation, the state, the county, and the city. God help us then!

"I am." God is who God is. I am who I am. If I am the most qualified person for a job, maybe it's my duty to subject myself to the scrutiny of people who think my truth is my boast.

Talk about a selection process, Moses didn't seek out the role of savior of Israel. He went kicking and screaming, telling God he couldn't speak effectively, that nobody would believe him...in the end he just flat begged God to send somebody else. He didn't want to go. But he was up to the job, and God knew it. God woud not have selected him had he not had the leadership abilities needed. If God's sending you to speak to a newcomer or to a meeting or to lead the country, he knows what he's doing. These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. You want to give the commission a little more credibility? God doesn't send us to do things we can't do. He is absolutely awesome, and with his direction and in his service, so are you!

"No Longer Needing to be Right"

Consider Psalm 51:1-3, 12.

Several people I sponsor -- okay. When a finger is pointing out three are pointing at the pointer. Several of us in OA -- and we are legion -- have found some real recovery, but the food is messy, anywhere from too much of the right stuff to everything that doesn't grab me first. I went to bed the other night thinking about how to answer this issue, and the answer revealed to me the next morning was plain. Plain, but hard to corral into the blog.

I'll sort through the input:

• For Today (August 10, page 223) starts by quoting Juan Ramón Jiménez saying, "A permanent state of transition is man's most noble condition." Then it begins with, "Change is not compatible with stubborn pride" and ends with "giving up is not giving in, nor is it failing. It is no longer needing to be right."
• As Bill Sees It, page 159, quotes Bill W. in a 1959 letter: "We know that if we rebel against doing that which is reasonably possible for us, then we will be penalized. "
• The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous says:

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. (page 63)

It all goes back to who's in charge. "Wow! Thanks, God! That's neat! I can't believe you did that in my life. My hat's off to you. I've got it now. If I need you, I'll call you."

My sponsor spoke the other day of a character defect of "that of feeling like a bother." Oh, yeah! That's us. With each other, and with God. But we're not the carpenter. We're not the potter. We're the building blocks, the material, and it's necessary day after day after day to renew our Third Step resolve to offer ourselves to God to build with us or do with us as he pleases. Do you understand what "do with" could mean? If we're not building materials, what are we? landfill? decoration? tools? Whatever. And whatever is okay, because we're not in charge. We don't have to be important. We don't have to prove to anybody that we're the star, that we are in charge, that we can carry this whole thing off. Nope. We're not in charge. We have to let go after we offer ourselves--or in order to offer ourselves, or both. But have you seen some of the artwork made with what other people consider trash? That's the kind of artist God is. He can make something magnificent out of us, if we just yield and let him.

He strips away the dregs, the bitter ugly crust, the bondage of self. He relieves us of that dead weight. With that gone, we're usable, we're precious material to be used in oh, so many ways. With it intact, we're not worth much at all.

He takes away our difficulties, too. What difficulties? Well, the food cravings. The "clean your plate because the children are starving in China" rules that we pass on to our kids. What a gift we could give them by teaching them to throw away the food they're not going to eat. Instead, we nibble the edible portions, proving to them what we learned as children that an empty plate is a sin. What a legacy for those we love! He takes away the stupid computer games. He takes away the "feeling like a bother." He strips our financial worries, our chaotic home life, our difficulties. All of them. Why? Because we feel so much better without them, of course! It's all for us!

Nope. That "all for us" is one of the difficulties. He takes away our difficulties so victory over them can bear witness to those we would help, not of our goodness and usefulness. Nope. Of his power, his love and his way of life! Oh, that we may do that every day of our lives, to live in his shadow and be his putty. May we do his will ALWAYS!

AA Speaker John A tells of a man who told him, "I hope you take the Third Step." He protested, said he'd taken it with his sponsor. The man told him it wasn't true. He knew that because John A was homeless and jobless, cold and miserable. If John had really done the Third Step, God would be taking better care of him. Settling down later to sleep in his car, he gave up and told God he had. Within a day he had a job and a place to live.

God's not bothered when we trouble him. Instead, he's relieved. It is his good will to give us the kingdom. Just ask.