The fourth step takes courage. Looking in the mirror, either a physical reflection or a self-examination of our lives, sends rampant shivers for compulsive overeaters. We tend to be harsh on ourselves, but certainly not exclusively. We're mad at the world, and we've taken it and taken it and taken it for years. We want to scream with the character in the movie Network "I'm mad as H__ and I'm not going to take it anymore." Is it any wonder so many of us waltz through the first three steps, only to pause and start again? 123-oops-123-oops-123.
For some of us, our fourth step list of resentments spews out easily. Others stutter through and end with a short list. Ask those low resentment folks about fears or anger or people who have wronged them, though, and sometimes they, too, spew hurts.
Once the resentment list is made, the second part, writing why we resent that person, is easy. We could write pages about why this person, idea, or institution has earned our contempt. Moderation, though, marks the best course. Limit the pages to a pittance--less than 20 words each.
How our fourth step revelations emerge depends on our various ideas about life. We're so similar in many ways. We're low in self-esteem, though some express that by demanding attendion and respect while others deny they possess the human dignity for anybody to do anything for us. We feel we've been treated like doormats, some angrily trying to trip the next offender and others desparately trying to lie flat and still to facilitate the abuse. Still, as we work throught Step 4, we find ourselves face to face with ourselves.
What we face are our hurts, our wounds. What is wounded can be our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal relations, or our sex relations. For some of us, though, these tags feel wrong. None fit exactly. Fear? Oh, yes. That one fits. And fear can be described with the other words. Fear is our self-esteem threatened, our security lessened, our ambitions inhibited, our relations hindered. But how, exactly? Let's look at the words and what they mean.
| Self-esteem | confidence, dignity, morale, self-assurance, self-respect, self-satisfaction, worth |
| security | peace of mind, feeling of safety, stability, certainty, happiness, confidence |
| ambitions | aspirations, desires, dreams, goals, hopes, wishes |
| personal/sex relations | Dealings, communications, relationships, connections, contact, interaction |
Finally, we face the real issue. Just how did all this happen through us? What did we do? We've focused always on the wrongs to us, which may have been horrendous. But we can't change the persons we resent. We can abandon ideas or institutions, but we continue to live with ourselves. Compulsive eaters know guilt and shame all too well. Some of it we've imposed on ourselves. Some, though, we've earned, and it's time to pry out the details so we can be healed. Do you know how you contributed? Maybe. If you don't, one way I've found helpful in leading people through this step is to ask them to step into the shoes of the resented person. Then they write about themselves from the other point of view. In the end, we see the whole picture, probably for the first time.
Is that awful? Maybe. Temporarily. But it's awe-full as well. It's a source of wonder, of release, of finally letting go. The Big Book says:
This is the how and the why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
Like the woman brought before Jesus, our accusers drift away. Knowing all our frailties and faults, God loves us. He doesn't condemn you. Don't condemn yourself. Walk triumphantly through the arch to freedom.
----------------------------
Look at your fourth step. Do those parts you haven't tried yet. Finish those you played down. When you've finished, write what you've learned about yourself.
You are who you are, and you are a loved and valuable child of God. Love yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment