We compulsive eaters certainly understand the despair, the misery and hopelessness inherent in the psalmist's cry. We've cried it as well. "God help me!" In my case, the prayer that resulted in God's taking away my compulsive eating was simply talking aloud to God as I've done for years, saying, "This is stupid!" Whatever the cry, whatever the circumstances of our sin, whether we know exactly what they are or just have the vague notion that God doesn't hear us, we know the sentiment. That's what sin is, you know. Separation from God. And he didn't separate himself. We caused the rift.
My misdoings aren't exciting, just devastating to my own sanity. I once considered a friend of mine, how he must feel about a situation which resulted in legal proceedings:
The regrets, whether for legal felonies or moral turpitude obvious only from the inside, result in intolerable distance between us and God. What can we do to fix it? The psalmist suggested scrubbing with hyssop. What's that? It was used in biblical times for cleansing--the temple, and people with leprosy among other uses. And the hyssop branch lifted to Jesus on the cross carried vinegar for thirst. Scrubbing with hyssop or antibacterial disinfectant or lye or any other cleanser won't fix sin, no matter how much we may want a solution. Retribution
I wish to God I could unknot the mesh
that is my life, to rectify the sin
constraining howls within my soul, confess
the blackness haunting me from depths within.
Would that the soul who huddles from the ghost
of my misdeeds could grasp the peace I've lost,
could find a haven, knowing countless hosts
of demons foist repayment of all cost.
For justice through a system made by man
is travesty compared to that by guilt
repaid. And bitter might-have-beens will pan
society's responses 'til they wilt.
So lock the doors, confine this worthless soul
for even full release won't make me whole.
It's not the cleansing with hyssop that makes us clean, nor can washing make us whiter than snow. It's the willingness to be cleansed, the acceptance of the washing done by God. Once that acquiescence happens, then God can create a clean heart in us and renew--or create--a steadfast spirit in us.
At that point, with joy and a willing spirit, we are able to move on to the twelfth step, to teach others in our situation, other "transgressors" God's way and turn other compulsive eaters to God and the joy will be passed on and on and on. Thank God!
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How contrite are you? Have you received God's assurance of your acceptance? Are you passing on your joy and peace?
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