Happy Birthday, Me!

How many people blog on their first birthday? Well, probably most bloggers in recovery before the event occurs. Today is my first OA birthday. I'm going to take the occasion to say what it was like, what happened, and what's happening now.

Short answers: Ouch! Whoa! Whee!!!!!

I could close the post with some thanks, but you know I'm not going to.

My life had become unmanageable. I was powerless over food, computer games, procrastination, resentment, piles and piles of stuff to get around to, and hate. For the food I had tried:

• Weight Watchers (3 or 4 times),
• carb blockers,
• amphetamines (way back when they were discouraged but still legal),
• a metal pin in my ear at an acupuncture point I was supposed to massage when the urge to eat happened,
• South Beach Diet,
• a diet from Woman's World,
• counting calories,
• counting carbs,
• Metabolic Research Center,
• counseling (3 times, years at a time),
• hypnotism,
• motivational tapes,
• new years resolutions,
• goals for certain major events,
• Weigh Down Diet,
• lots of books, both directed at weight loss and at co-dependency and dealing with misogynists
• partners in person and on the Internet, and
• probably that many more things I can't come up with right now.

From October, 1996, through November, 1997, my "hell year," family medical and emotional crises brought me to my knees, and I decided to start taking better care of myself. I had an appointment once or more often weekly for an hour of stress relief, both physical and mental, and I seriously examined the possibility I might not live if I didn't reform. So I worked hard at reforming. I was taking Coumadin by the end of the year, which necessitated regular checkups, and of course you can't go into a doctor's office without being weighed. Part of my rehabilitation evidently was softening the edges of my pain with food, for in the spring of 1998, in the doctor's office, the scales yelled my weight at me in big bold numbers: 300. Ouch!

That scared me enough to let some of the tools work, and I got about 35 pounds off, probably more, but I maintained a 35 pound loss for the rest of the time, never getting (much) above 265. And never getting below 235, despite the best intentions and plenty of time to get ready for a formal wedding as the mother of the groom.

The third attempt at sorting through my psychoses (my term, not a clinical diagnosis) had been producing softening of my protective wall. The gift from my counselor of the book Overeaters Anonymous, 2nd edition, finally cracked through it. I read the whole book, thought it would be something I would look into after the busy holiday season, and plowed ahead. Until December 17, 2006.

I was driving to Sunday school where I'd been teaching the same class for more than 20 years. I stopped as was my routine, both Sundays and (with variations as to where and what but not if) weekdays, got my routine cup of cappuccino and a sweet roll. I got back in the car and, talking aloud to God which is my custom when alone, said "This is stupid." So, I threw it out, yes? No. I ate it all. But, had I known it would be the last, I would have held out for an apple fritter from AM Donuts and Croissants, not a greasy old convenience store sweet roll. That afternoon I Googled Overeaters Anonymous, found the OA site as well as The Recovery Group, and joined the Newcomers' loop in TRG. I found a wonderful food buddy in California and several other supportive OA members and started my recovery that day. It's now 10 AM, so it's about the hour of my last thoughtless bite as well.

Who starts weight loss a week and a day before Christmas? God. I didn't take another thoughtless bite, reporting what I ate daily, reading, learning, growing (and shrinking) through Christmas. But after one Christmas celebration with my family, I was back at my home where husband had been ill more than a month, working in the kitchen for his family's gathering the next day, and on December 24 I fell in my kitchen, injuring my left rotator cuff. Badly. I knew what I did because part of my hell year included severing the right rotator cuff in one fell swoop, that time not by falling but by sheer stress. I was hurt badly, but husband was in no shape to do anything to help. I could have driven to the emergency room, or gotten family members to help me, but I didn't. I toughed it out, even finishing my baking. The next day I got through the meal not eating anything I didn't think through first. I could have gone to the doctor on Tuesday, the 26th, but I was scheduled to leave the country on the 27th and I was afraid the doctor would say I couldn't go, so I didn't give him the opportunity. My husband remained sick enough he passed up the pre-paid trip to London, and I went with my son and daughter-in-law. I was separated from the on the plane, in an inside seat, and getting in and out of the seat was excruciatingly painful, but I got there, and we had a good time in London despite my pain. It was delightful to be with the kids on their first European trip. And every time I could find an Internet cafe, I emailed my OA buddies reporting back, telling them I'd allowed myself bread pudding, which was stupid because even then I knew it was one of those foods I should have on my trigger food lists, but I didn't go back for seconds at least, which I would have otherwise. And my husband and I had a favorite cafe in London where I knew I had to take the kids for tea and scones, and I ate them, but I reported back to the email team. And when I got back and weighed, early in January, I'd gone through Christmas and a week in London with no change in my weight. What a victory!

I didn't get to a fact to face meeting until January 24 because I had to change a standing appointment with my counselor to make time to go to the meeting, and I got my 30 day chip at that meeting. I remember their looking at me on the desire chip, hoping I'd take one, then the grins when I said I got the 30 day one. The group means so much to me. I look forward to Wednesday and the year chip. How can a little piece of plastic mean so much?

I've worked through the steps all the way, and I'm on my second time through, leisurely, working with the bunch of people I'm sponsoring. I've had two sponsors, one in Israel, and the other in my state though about 5 hours drive from home. They've both helped me as have the people I sponsor, my local face to face group, my friends from TRG, and my friends here. I readily tell people I'm in OA, and it's delightful to have people not recognizing me. The scales now start with a 1 instead of that awful 3. I used to wear 28's and now I'm wearing 14's. I lack another 50 pounds or so, but the weight isn't the big deal. The big deal is I have a life, a life that's large and marvelous, awesome! I'm pushing my comfort levels, discovering the talents I've worked to hide to keep from overshadowing people. I've been told for years, "I can't believe you do all the things you do" and that has embarrassed me tremendously. Now, finally, I'm DOING what they thought I was doing before, and I welcome the comment. I can't, either. And I'm not. God is. Thank GOD!