Impediments in My Mind?

I weigh a hundred pounds and change less than I ever weighed. But a part of me feels like a fraud since I wrote Slender Steps to Sanity really quite early in my tenure in OA, after I'd lost this weight, but before I'd reached an ideal weight for my size. I still weigh between 195 and 200 - but LESS than 200. That wasn't true a couple of weeks ago. My abstinence has been solid since Christmas Eve. But before that, spotty. My sponsor pointed out I could get 30 days but pretty soon after that, I slipped. The slipping got rather drastic during this fall in the midst of some stressors. That's no excuse. Well, it is. It's an excuse, not a reason. It's a justification for not being who God would have me be, who I would choose to be.

But would I choose it? Do I really want to be an ideal weight for the first time in sixty years or so? I know when I was 13, about 1960, Mother took me to a doctor who prescribed weight-loss pills. So I was on a diet from then until I found OA December 17, 2006. When was I an ideal weight? I remember about 1957 playing "Red Rover, Red Rover" and running when someone called "Let Fat Domino come over." I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at me for running. And for failing to break through.

I was asked today just what I'm trying to protect myself from in not moving the rest of the way to what I would swear to you I want - to weigh something near 140 or 145.

She said it could be just obstinacy. That for so long I put up my hackles when all these well-meaning people told me what I should weigh, what I should eat, how much I should exercise, how much better I'd look if I just...

Am I that stubborn? Darned right I am. Have I really thwarted myself all these years? Obviously. Have I done it intentionally? Define intentionally. The dictionary says "done on purpose, deliberate." So?

The other question she asked is what I'm afraid of if I were to weigh that. I don't know. I'd answer no, but I do recognize the prevalence of fear, the pervasiveness of fear.

I sit here, having had three meals and nothing else today. That should be the norm. It has not been. I've been having something after supper. And still losing. But I knew - said to my food buddy last night - that wasn't something I should be doing. As I sit here knowing that - at 11:07 PM, I want to fix it. I want to get what I deserve. I deserve food. Baloney. Well, no. I don't eat baloney. I don't need it. It's cold, we've been in the bedroom, heating only one room, so my behavior differs than when hubby goes to bed and I'm left up, alone. It's not hunger that leads me back to the kitchen. Boredom? Not really. Entitlement. "That which is morally right, just, honorable." It's not. It's not morally right, not honorable. Why do I feel entitled to it?

Auburn has won the national championship. So what are they entitled to?

I don't know the answer. God, give me the answer. Relieve me of my fears and show me who you would have me be. And I'll continue this tomorrow, answers in hand.